Honest Dating: What about forgiveness - Part 2

By Mark Gungor

I think a lot of people are not being totally honest during the dating process. Or many feel obligated to follow through with a relationship just because they have been dating for a while, even though they may have some strong reservations. But if you are struggling with any aspect of who a person is, you probably need to look at that as a red flag. Ultimately, that is what the dating process is for - to decide, based on what you have learned, whether or not to marry that person.

You may say, "But what about forgiveness?!" It's not about refusing to forgive a person's shortcomings or judging someone harshly for their mistakes. You can forgive them (God certainly does), but it doesn't mean you have to marry them. Remember, the dating process is really about looking at the person as a whole and thinking-yes, I am very comfortable with who this person is, or no, I'm not.

Let's say your girlfriend tells you that she had an abortion three or four years ago. If you truly believe this is something you can deal with and you are able to love and cherish this woman and help her with the emotional and physical effects of this, then great!  If, on the other hand, you struggle with some things in her character that allowed her to make that decision or you are concerned about the emotional and possible physical issues that may result, you have every right to move on. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you honest.

It's better to decide now, before you are married, than to have great difficulty with it afterwards. Once you say, "I do", it's a whole different ball game - you're in for life. But it is OK to move on in the dating process. Remember: that is what the dating process is for. Besides, it would be better for her to find someone whom God has gifted to be able to handle her past.

Maybe your special "someone" tells you that they have a sexually transmitted disease - one that you too will get once you marry them. Now's the time to walk away if that is something you don't want to live with.

It could be simpler things like... his family is gross. Maybe her father drives you crazy. You might see a problem in how her mother treats her father - which could be an indicator of how their daughter will treat you. Now is the time to walk away.

Some could be more difficult issues like sexual abuse, addictions to alcohol or pornography. These kinds of issues are all fair game during the discovery process of dating - again, that's part of what dating is about. You get to analyze the situation and view the person as a whole and see if you can handle all that goes with taking this person as your spouse.

It is imperative that men and women are totally honest with each other during the dating process. These types of things should be revealed at the front end. It's not fair to be 18 months, two years, or five years into a marriage and for your spouse to be struggling with issues they didn't even know existed in you. You must be honest with each other during the dating process. If someone does not feel they can handle certain baggage, best that they move on.

What they should not do is drag that person along for months or even years if they have some serious reservations. It's not fair to the other person. You have to be willing to let him/her go so they can find someone who can deal with who they are - past and all.