Here's three reminders for the new school year. Hope one or more is of value to you.
1) Every year provides genuine opportunity for new beginning
Over time our character is formed and begins to harden, but our school-aged children still have time to develop and change. Don't respond cynically to your children's renewed confidence or commitment - cheer them on, but do so realistically, taking note of what has tripped them up in the past and help them to implement behavioral change that is consistent with their desired maturity. Life is about trajectory. Encourage your children to continue heading in the right direction.
I've written about our experiments with "Big Allowance" - giving our oldest child each month what it costs to keep him in our home and allowing him to make real financial choices. Year One - a disaster. Little discipline and lots of bail-outs. Year Two - a revised approach, growing success, and sincere hope for the future. We went from handing him the money and expecting him to handle it responsibly to having an envelope system for his money (each envelope represents a specific category of spending: Haircuts, School expenses, Clothing, Dining, etc.) - some of the money can be reallocated and some cannot.
2) Stay engaged even when your child pushes away
Our children have different tolerances for parental visibility. One child we can hug and kiss in public and it is reciprocated. One child prefers to go it alone. She forgets her lunch in the car and when you roll down the window and yell: "Hey, you forgot your lunch," just keeps walking as though she has never heard that voice before.
Stay engaged and don't allow your teenager to push you away. Kids care what their parents think. The opinion of parents is more important to teens than those of peers or celebrities. Surveys continue to support this truth, but parents too often abdicate their roles in their children's lives because they face surface resistance. Keep hugging your children. Keep giving them a kiss before bed and asking for a kiss in return. Keep praying for and with them. Don't walk away - when you do there is no one there who can take your place.
3) Encourage your child's unique blend of interests, talents, and gifts
Judy and I talked about the concern that we might be raising the next Mozart without ever offering him piano lessons (replace that example with one containing your favorite activity and genius). There's always that possibility, but I am optimistic that when exposed to many opportunities our children will gravitate toward their natural strengths and gifts.
We have been excited to see our children developing their own niches independent of one another and different from what Judy and I did when we were younger. Just remember that some children are wired to try lots of different activities, seeking new relationships and opportunities for energy, while others find security and value in becoming experts in a narrower range of interests. Ultimately we're not living through our children and they don't need to fulfill our dreams; we need to unleash them in the pursuit of theirs.
Bottom line: A new school year is a great time to encourage our children that trajectory matters, that we are always there to love them, and that they have a unique calling that we are committed to helping them discover and fulfill.
4) Visit my blog page to read insight #4 about the importance of other adults in the lives of our children (click on the link to be taken to my blog).
