Parents love to praise their children. In fact, we've been taught that we are building our children's self-esteem and that if we are not careful they will carry our criticisms through life, ensuring the employment of therapists and counselors for at least another generation.
We all "know" that it takes multiple compliments to offset each negative comment. The exact ratio is in dispute, but it sure seems intuitively to be true.
But are we supposed to praise specific behaviors or general characteristics? "Great job earning an 'A' on that exam; I know you studied five hours for it" versus "You are really good with people and seem to have a knack for putting them at ease."
What about criticism? Surely we can't raise our children effectively without ever providing feedback that is critical (of course some would say we should talk not about our children's problems but about their opportunities for growth). Should criticism be specific or general?
For what it's worth, here's my two cents on praise and critique.
- I believe praise should be directed both to specific behaviors and to general characteristics. There are times we need our children to know that they did well in doing something specific and measurable, while other times we need to encourage the general growth and maturation we see in their lives. I would urge against an either/or approach to praise and prefer instead a both/and.
- I believe criticism should be specific and behavioral and not directed at general characteristics involving labels such as laziness, sloppiness, etc. This doesn't mean we shouldn't ever talk about the cumulative characteristics associated with a pattern of behaviors, but that our criticism should be directed to the behaviors and not to trying to read our children's intentions and their general character underlying the behaviors. Once you've figured out all of your own intentions, fire away.
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What about the sandwich approach? Shouldn't we combine praise and criticism to produce a balanced effect for our children's psyches? Not unless you want them to view your praise cynically. When you start with a praise, segue into a criticism, and then end with a praise (the sandwich approach), they know what constitutes the meat of the conversation and don't really pay attention to the carefully positioned slices of bread. Again, that's not to say that we shouldn't try to encourage our children while disciplining them, just avoid mechanical techniques that appear contrived and insincere.
Language matters - that's why profanity isn't just a collection of words no different from others. The language we use with our children will follow them through their lives. Let's choose our words with care - letting them know that we love them and that we see them maturing into the independent, decision-making adults we've always intended to nurture. But don't forget to point out behaviors that detract from that goal, behaviors that may produce lifelong regrets and consequences that can never be erased.
Recently one of our children was describing a picture shown in biology of a person covered in STD-related warts. There was recognition that decisions have consequences and some consequences are really unfortunate.
Let's celebrate our opportunities to speak praise today!
