A while back I visited Gabon, West Africa, where I provided training to a group of church leaders. As a thank-you they gave me a large, soapstone carving of Africa. Concerned that it would get damaged in my checked luggage, I put it in my carry-on bag. At security, I was selected for additional screening and the officer asked me to unpack my bag for inspection. All of this was communicated through gestures and French. Being monolingual, I was relying on the gestures to comply. Evidently the concern was that I was going to take the carving out midflight and use it to pummel others into submission while I took control of the plane (this rather complex message involved a number of violent gestures with the carving in hand). I can assure you this had never entered my mind. After my using the words "pastor" and "gift" repeatedly, I was allowed to take the carving back and continue on to my flight.
Simple point: Speaking the same language makes communication a lot easier and more effective.
That's the gist of Dr. Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. His insight is that people try to communicate love through the language they understand and often this language differs from that of the recipient. So I am speaking love to my spouse but she isn't hearing me because I'm speaking French and she's speaking English. Meanwhile she is speaking love to me, but the same problem exists in reverse.
CHECK THESE OUT:
- If you missed a previous issue of this newsletter or want to reread a past issue, check out my Newsletters Archive (click on the link to visit the archive site).
- Check out my Effective Family Communication blog (click on the link to visit my blog site). If you like the blog, I'd love to have you link to it on your Facebook page or website.
The solution is:
- To be aware of the different love languages,
- To identify the language(s) of those with whom we wish to communicate, and
- To become multilingual - speaking the correct language to each person so they can hear what we are attempting to communicate.
If this sounds like work, it is. But it is the work of love that history so often commemorates. The stories of sacrifices people have made for those they love.
Now I have no idea whether the five love languages are "real." But then, I don't know if personality types (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) or styles (DiSC) are real, but I know they provide meaningful information to people that makes a practical difference in their lives. That is, I know that these lenses work.
So what are the five languages? Here are the first four love languages:
- Words of affirmation - some people need to experience your love through words
- Quality time - some people need to be with you to know they are loved
- Receiving gifts - some people find well-chosen gifts to be an expression of love
- Acts of service - some people appreciate when you do things to bless them
Click here for love language #5.
