Two of our children are in the Centerville Jazz Band (the unusual name for our marching band). This year I've had the opportunity to work the band's staff members, student leadership team, and to address the entire band during two "attitude sessions." I've been talking about the Six Steps to a Healthy Team. Step One is personal security and Step Two is trust.

The linkage between steps one and two is that if you are not reasonably secure, it is difficult for you to trust others. You can never be sure what others mean when they speak to you because you doubt your interpretations - even when what they say is, on the surface, positive, you find yourself wondering what they really meant. "I like that shirt that you're wearing today." Does that mean they didn't like what I wore yesterday? Are they being sarcastic? If I take them seriously and they are being sarcastic, will I look like a fool?

I say "reasonably" secure because I've never met a person who is entirely secure. We all have insecurities in areas of our lives, but we can be reasonably secure, knowing that there are many positives about us, that we have strengths, and that we do impact others for good.

In a marching band, personal insecurity is manifest in several ways: 1) Playing one's part tentatively or not really playing at all; 2) Marching tentatively and not committing to moving with confidence across the field - which often leads to others not trusting us and potentially colliding with us or not being able to hit their own marks; 3) Focusing on the negatives rather than seeing ourselves as improving and believing that we can get consistently better; and 4) Wondering whether we are deserving of our spot on the team and up to the expectations of our peers and leaders.

Twelve suggestions for improving your child's personal security:

1. Holding them accountable to learn life skills needed once they leave your home (e.g., washing dishes, doing laundry, folding clothes, taking and responding to phone messages, changing a tire, solving basic computer issues, planting a flower).
2. Helping them learn to meet the appropriate expectations of others and articulating their expectations to others.
3. Teaching them how to communicate effectively - listening well, speaking assertively (directly and clearly), answering questions, and knowing how to engage in appropriate self-disclosure.
4. Identifying and building on strengths - whether those be academic, athletic, artistic, or interpersonal.
5. Making sure they are aware of "multiple intelligences" - realizing that people are "smart" in many different ways, knowing the ways in which they are intelligent, and recognizing  that school is not always the best way of evaluating a person's smarts (our schools teach children about being nature smart, logic smart, body smart, self smart, picture smart, music smart, people smart, and word smart).
6. Telling them you love them as often as you can in as many ways as possible.
7. Modeling a strong marriage so they can see the type of relationship they want for their future.
8. Being transparent (at an age-appropriate level) about your own struggles and successes so they can see that while you are not perfect you are a pretty good model.
9. Praising them in front of others (preferably in ways they find realistic and true).
10. Teaching them to fight well - to argue without damaging the relationship or hurting the other person physically or verbally - and to resolve differences in ways that strengthen relationships and build up those involved.

Click here to read #11 and #12 on the list.