Strong emotions are part of life.
In some circumstances emotional flare-ups are beyond our control - for example, anger when we perceive a threat or betrayal. But what we do with those emotions, how we act upon them, is crucial.
One way I've discovered to determine the health of an emotional response is to consider its frequency and intensity.
If I fall in love with every woman I meet, I have a frequency problem. If I love my computer as I do my wife, I have an intensity problem. If I propose to every woman I meet, I have a frequency and intensity problem (not to mention a significant problem with my wife).
Part of maturing is learning to manage the frequency and intensity of our emotional responses. That's why adolescents act so inappropriately at times. They experience strong emotional flare-ups and then act upon those emotions as though they warranted an equally strong response (or, for that matter, any response at all). I should note that it's not just responses that are too frequent or too intense that are problematic, a lack of frequency or intensity can also signal dysfunction (although sometimes we may be less inclined to notice the lack when compared with the surplus).
Of course, age and maturity do not go hand-in-hand. Some people age without discernible maturation taking place. They still struggle with frequency and intensity of emotional responses as though they were in perpetual puberty. At times it seems we never leave middle school, simply trading passive-aggressive behaviors for after school fights.
What we need to teach our children is how to discern frequency and intensity in their responses, as well as matching the appropriate frequency and intensity to the situation. As they learn these skills they become more effective communicators and social participants. What some call "emotional intelligence" makes holding a job and being a functional family member more likely and less challenging.
Click here to read about the third element of healthy emotional expression on my Effective Family Communication blog.
