Here are three parenting truths:
- We influence our children's values.
- Most of our children will marry.
- One key to successful marriage is shared values.
We influence our children's values
There are parents who try to raise their children in neutral, objective settings. I think it is evident that no matter your approach, you are influencing how your children view their worlds, how they relate to others, and how they make value judgments. Most parents I know work hard to influence their children's values in specific ways. Common areas of influence include: religious beliefs, views on money, one's work ethic, attitudes toward leisure, beliefs about sexuality, political perspectives, the significance of formal and informal education, specific skill sets, clothing, housing, vehicles, and so on.
Sometime during late adolescence and into adulthood our children move through a process (often not deliberate or fully conscious) of solidifying their core set of values. They enact some combination of adopting values from Dad and Mom, revising values from Dad and Mom, and striking out on their own.
One key to successful marriage is shared values
Most of our children will get married - some more than once. If you marry someone with compatible values then you have to negotiate fewer areas of life. Alignment in the large areas means you are left to negotiate the application of those values to specific decisions. This is easier (although still challenging) than negotiating the large areas themselves. For example, if you share a particular religious commitment then choosing a place of worship and educating your children in that religion are less complicated than trying to negotiate two entirely different views of religion and the outworking of those views within the family. (For more on this topic, read my blog post "Guiding Children through Religion.")
Teaching your children about money - "Big Allowance" revisited
One significant life arena is money. I know many couples that never agree on the basic values associated with money and so they are constantly negotiating financial decisions and each month's credit card bill. Judy and I grew up in two different economic strata, but we share basic views of how money should be utilized and so we rarely have significant disagreement in this area. Over the past twenty-four years, whenever Judy attends a sales party (purses, Tupperware, jewelry, cosmetics, etc.), as she walks out the door I tell her, "Buy whatever you want." Because I know she is frugal, I also know I'm safe in saying that. At one point I wanted high-speed Internet and Judy thought it was a waste. I waited for quite a while and then decided that I needed it for my work and so I took the plunge. Afterward she wondered how we had gone so long without it. That was an area where we agreed on the basics of money, but disagreed on the value of Internet access specifically. Thankfully it turned out well.
We are trying to teach our children about money and to influence their values in this area. A year ago we instituted "Big Allowance" for our oldest child. Click here to continue reading how we have adapted "Big Allowance" after our first year with the system.
