Greetings!
There's a tension inherent to parenting: - Parent your children to communicate consistent values and to achieve the same overarching objectives with each, and
- Parent each child uniquely to fit his/her personality, learning styles, etc.
Let me use the topic of sexuality as an example of this tension.
Some of the values we wish to communicate to our children (not necessarily ones with which each reader will agree) are: 1) Sexuality is a significant part of our humanity, 2) Sex should be experienced within a monogamous marriage relationship, 3) Living within a society where there are varying views on values and morals asks us to be people of consistency and integrity while not rejecting others who may disagree or forgetting their significance as humans, and 4) One significant issue with the sex industry is that people become objects to be manipulated for the pleasure of others rather than being treated as fully functioning humans who have dignity and value (this is not the only problem with the sex industry nor is this issue unique to the sex industry). There are more, but these are sufficient to set the scene.
Because our children are each different in personality, learning styles, etc., we must communicate these same core values to each of them differently. One child is introverted and does not have the same need to communicate verbally. One child is highly expressive and loves to process mentally through conversation. One child is private and does not like to have conversations that may be embarrassing or uncomfortable.
So the reality is our expressive child talks regularly and openly about issues of sexuality. Our private child resists all such conversations, and our introverted child ends up being overlooked in the mix because of the energy expended on the other two.
I remain determined to engage each child appropriately. The focus with our introverted child is to engage, to make the conscious choice to dialogue about issues of significance. The focus with our expressive child is to keep the communication channels open and information flowing regularly. The focus with our private, easily embarrassed child is to find some non-threatening one-on-one time in which to raise important issues and from which there is no immediate escape.
One strategy we have used to reach our private child is subscribing to an age-appropriate magazine that communicates values consistent with ours as a way of indirectly communicating with this child. The magazine is being read and has been well received.
Another strategy that seems to work is to use television time, dinner time, and other all-family activities to address sexuality in non-threatening ways by communicating our values while allowing for any questions or comments that may naturally arise. One such conversation occurred when we were dialoguing about a person whose sexual choices are inconsistent with our values. My objective in the conversation was to emphasize value #3 above - that while we disagreed with the choices the person was making, this did not translate into a rejection of that person.
To summarize: We are trying to deal with the inherent tension in parenting by communicating clear, consistent values that we model, while engaging each child in a way that is appropriate to his/her unique makeup. Being honest, some children are easier to communicate with than others, and since we have the same desire to convey our values effectively to each, we must be intentional about adapting our efforts to fit each child.
(NOTE: I am being intentionally vague in my references to our children in an effort to protect their identities. For those who know us well, the effort likely is in vain. All that to say, if you want information about the magazine I mentioned earlier, feel free to send me an e-mail at stephen@julianconsulting.org.) | 
