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Don Elium, MA MFT
www.GetToItRightNow.com
September/2009
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 Greetings!
The heartache of holiday gift giving sometimes rudely interrupts the peace on earth and good will toward men. However, the dilemma of what to get your spouse can have a happy ending. Find out how below in this month's article: "How Am I Suppose To Know What She Wants?!"Post this newsletter on your Facebook.com You can post this newsletter on your facebook page using the "share" button at the bottom of this newsletter. You can read past newsletters in the archive by clicking here. And, join me on Facebook.com for weekly suggestions and ideas about being your best in the toughest situations. Please share this newsletter with those friends that you care about most! Visit the website at www.DonElium.com and book website www.RaisingAFamily.comFor counseling, give me a call 925 256-8282 and let's get to it! Sincerely, DonDon Elium, MA MFT(Lic. # MFC28381) |
Let's Get To It! ASK DON:
How Am I Supposed To Know What She Wants?!
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Dear Don,
Last
week I started a birthday firestorm by giving my wife presents that not only
did she not want, but she said they were insulting. This must have been a long
time coming because we have been married for over 20. I feel bad about her
birthday. But I am shocked and my feelings are hurt. Holiday season is a around
the corner. We have not uttered a word about it since. What am I doing
wrong? ---Not Wanting A Doghouse For The Holiday
Don: You are giving gifts that YOU want her to have, not the ones SHE wants.
"Okay,"
you say, "HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW WHAT GIFTS SHE WANTS?"
There
are two underlying and conflicting beliefs about giving gifts to a spouse that
cause huge frustration and confusion: one, that the gift must be a surprise,
and two, if you ask what a person wants, then it doesn't count.
A
common mistake is the tendency to give your partner what you think s/he may
want or what you think s/he may need without checking it out to make sure. You might hit it right a few times, but
most often you will miss the target.
So, here is a way to up your chance of hitting the bull's eye of your
partner's heart and having a little fun in the process.
Give
Three Gifts
The
First Gift: I call this gift the Satisfaction Guaranteed Gift. Ask your spouse to make a list of 5 to 15 gifts of various
price levels that she would like to receive. Say that you are also going to use this list to help the
kids with choosing presents for her.
Tell your wife that she will get one of these items from each family
member. One couple I know add to a "wish list" on Amazon.com
throughout the year, so their Satisfaction Guaranteed Gift List is thoughtful
and offers a bigger target to hit for gift satisfaction. Or, just keep a list
for you both on the fridge door.
Don't go overboard, but choose one or two gifts from this list for your
spouse, making sure they are on her list.
If she isn't being honest about what she wants,  she will definitely
correct that by the next holiday when she sees that you are taking what she
says she wants seriously. One gift at the higher price and one at the lower
price. Make sure you get this list
at least FOUR WEEKS before the occasion, earlier if possible.
The
Second Gift: This is the Best-Guess Surprise Gift. This gift is harder and a test of your listening and
observation skills. Listen to your
wife throughout the year and make at least mental notes on things she says in
passing that she might like to have.
If you can't remember or write these things down, TALK WITH HER BEST
FRIEND FOR SUGGESTIONS. While
talking with her best friend, ask what your wife's favorite color is. Look in her closet and notice the
colors she likes to wear. Better
yet, ask your spouse these questions.
Make sure that anything you buy takes her colors into
consideration. Choose one gift
that is your best guess of what she would like. This is where the element of
surprise comes in. If you follow
the instructions, she will be delighted that you choose something that she
mentioned, or told her best friend, or you heard her say something about. She will know you took time to think
about her and her likes and dislikes.
She will feel you tried your best to surprise her according her desires,
not yours. The bottom-line
question that guides your thoughts and actions is: "Does this gift reflect what
she cares about and wants, whether I like it or not?"
The
Third Gift: This is the Gift YOU Want Her To Have.  That's right, whether she wants it or not, give her a gift
you want her to have. This gift is
something you think would make her life better if she would just give it a
try. Make sure you keep the
receipt so she can take it back if it misses the mark. Remember, a gift is only good if the
person likes it and will actually use it. Just make sure that she DOES
NOT OPEN THIS ONE FIRST.
There
you go. A minimum of three gifts
that include the element of surprise, satisfaction guaranteed, and some humor.
Why are
gifts so important? In a marriage,
gift giving offers a moment to let the other know that you think about him/her
and her/his desires, wants, and wishes.
To feel seen, heard, and noticed is the greatest gift. It is also a chance to heal some of the
painful gift giving and receiving of the past! It won't take long before the
past is forgotten.
In a workshop
called Living In Family Mind, I ask each person to share the one gift they were most
disappointed about in their childhood.
Most people mention things that they were totally not interested in,
embarrassed about, felt judged badly by, or humiliated by how or what was
given. Then I ask about one present that still makes them feel warm
inside. Each present mentioned was
obviously given by someone who took the time to really look through the
receiver's eyes, whether the giver liked the gift or not.
If you
sincerely want to heal your past gift-giving mistakes in your marriage,
apologize to your wife by saying or writing a heart felt note: "Honey, I am so
sorry for the pain I have caused you all these years with my gifts to you. To think we have made it this long
together in spite of all those misses is amazing. I want to try something new. Please make a list of 5-15 things you would feel happy to
receive, some low prices and some higher.
I want to make sure this holiday season that some of those show up for
you from kids, Santa, and me.
There will also be some surprises, all with receipts to return if
needed. From now on I will know my
gifts hit the right spot because I will ask you if they did and please tell me
how your really feel. And where they
do, I will be happy that you have been gifted well. and when they don't, I will
learn from each of them how to give from my heart to yours . . . according to
what your heart really wants!"
Each
gift giving occasion, when your wife genuinely says,  "Thank you!" you will
know that you hit this one just right.
And when she says, "Weeeeelllllll . . ." it is the signal to learn from
the "oops" and be grateful that the pressure to be perfect is gone, and what is
actually possible is before you. No matter how many tries, the gift you need to
value most is her report of feeling seen, heard, and noticed--and teased just a
little with Gift Three!
Happy
Holidays, and let's get to it!
Don
PS You can learn new solutions to the challenges of marriage, kids, and work in our book Raising A Family: Living on Planet Parenthood, by Jeanne and Don Elium, Click Here!
Don@DonElium.com
www.DonElium.com
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