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Don Elium, MA MFT
www.GetToItRightNow.com
April/2009
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Greetings!
Ever felt picked on by your spouse and fired right back with a zinger and wished you hadn't? This month's newsletter focuses on how good-natured teasing can end up turning a fun, warm day into a cold, lonely night! Read this month's Question and Answer below: "She Teased Me, I Teased Her, and She Blew Up." Or, you can listen to the new podcast versions of monthly columns by clicking here!Also, I am looking for groups in the San Francisco Bay Area to present an hour talk on the topic: "How to talk to your partner about the things that bug you the most." I will speak for no charge for the opportunity to share the new research from the book that is being written on relationships and marriage. Please let me know if you would like for me to come to your group, by emailing me at Don@DonElium.com.Please share this newsletter with those friends that you care about most! Visit my website at www.DonElium.com and our book website www.RaisingAFamily.com www.GetToItRightNow.com! Don Elium, MA MFT(Lic. # MFC28381) |
Let's Get To It! ASK DON:
She Teased Me, I Teased Her, She Blew Up!
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Dear Don,
My wife and I banter back and forth in our relationship, and most of the time it is just good-natured kidding and playful "name calling." But last week on vacation she called me a "name" and I shot back calling her another "name" and she became very, very mad at me. So mad that the last two days of our long-awaited vacation was ruined because she stopped speaking to me! I apologized profusely, said I didn't mean it, but it took until we got home before she warmed up. There is still an uneasy distance between us. I didn't say anything to her that I had not said before. Do I just let this go to fade away over time, or do I talk to her about it? ~ Hurt and Bewildered
Dear Hurt and Bewildered,
Whatever "name" you called your wife, you meant it; at least at that moment. Most likely she hurt your feelings when she first called you a "name", and you shot back at her from a place of hurt. Though fun at times, this type of teasing banter is provocative. Eventually, one person or both are going to become hurt and upset. I suggest that all couples stop this potentially painful behavior.
Here's why: Every long-term committed relationship has an emotional "slush fund" that collects pain and resentment; a secret hole where people squirrel away resentment that nobody else is supposed to know about. Both people in a marriage often choose to not speak up about things that cause anger and hurt in the spirit of trying to get along and to not appear to be "too sensitive." Eventually, the collected, hidden hurt that you carry reaches a high enough level to boil over, and you lose control and act it out during unrelated events and activities. You may joke about your spouse in public, tell friends bad stories about your spouse, spend the day thinking about your spouse in resentment, call her names with a smile, or snap back over something small. This loss of control most commonly happens in the middle of good-natured teasing when the pent-up hurt and anger stored in the hidden emotional slush fund bursts out of its secret lair and bites harder than you consciously intended. The underlying truth, however, is starting to emerge, and no matter how hard you try to take it back, the message has been sent and accurately received in a nanosecond.
Your wife is not being over sensitive. She did feel what you intended at that moment, and that was to hurt her back. She, however, might not realize that you felt hurt from her teasing in the first place. This is why I suggest on-going honesty about the little things that bother you. Talk these things over in a series of brief conversations until there is some way to resolve them or at least to consciously live with them with the least amount of resentment. When you live so close with another person, stored up emotion naturally comes out, and every now and then you both will do hurtful things toward each other. Remember that you and your spouse didn't do anything wrong. Being married is just very hard in this way. By eliminating provocative banter and teasing while getting to what is really happening emotionally, together you can reduce the inevitable hurt that happens in long-term committed relationships, and learn to live with the rest.
So, what do you do now? First, apologize to your wife one more time. Say, "Honey, I apologize for not being direct with you about how I felt when you called that name. I really felt hurt, and I snapped back and meant to hurt you in the same way. I am sorry about that, because you deserve to hear the truth of how I feel without it being hidden in teasing. The truth is that I felt hurt. I have tried to make it not matter, but it does."
Stop there. Listen to her response. Then continue--NOT ABOUT HER, but about how you feel about what was really bugging you. This will invite her to talk about herself. If she doesn't, that is okay, keep your focus on your business of being more respectfully direct with this woman that you love: not about her behavior, but how her behavior AFFECTS YOU.
And, yes, she might say, "You are just too sensitive." Respond with, "I think it is more about my not being honest enough with you when I feel badly treated by you. I will work on that."
Again, I do suggest, no matter how fun and sexy your banter is with her, that you stop it all right now and practice being more respectfully, direct for a while. Once the directness from you both is in place, you can experiment with teasing and see what happens. Possibly you might find the need for teasing of this nature just fades away and something more enjoyable happens: warmth, honesty, closeness, and laughter from a more pleasurable source that needs no stinger to get the other's attention.
Sincerely,
Don
Don@DonElium.com
www.DonElium.com
[Click Here For More Questions and Answer for those who are ready to "get to it."]
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Every day you tell yourself that you won't act that way again. But, then you do.
· Lonely at night, you lay beside the one you love, upset, after another round of the same argument that you've had for years.
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Thank you and the best to you this month!
Sincerely,
Member California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist
Accredited as a provider of Continuing Education by the
Board of Behavioral Sciences, State of California, Approval No. PCE 3717
(Lic. # MFC28381)
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