"Do As I say!" 

Talin Yesaie, MFT 

Remember when our parents used this line, "Do as I say!" Well I found myself saying "But you didn't."  Okay besides the fact, that this got me into a lot of trouble, it was true.  Why should I do something that they didn't do?  Maybe I had some Positive Discipline in me without knowing it, but I questioned this a lot and I still do.  How can we expect our children to do things because we tell them to if we don't believe in it enough to do it ourselves?  I talk about the concept of Mirror Neurons a lot with the work that I do with parents, because Mirror Neurons are a biological part of our bodies that work from the moment we are born.   They are our body's way of allowing us to learn from what's around us before we have the ability to ask questions or have the cognitive processing ability to learn from reading or listening.  So if studies show that the first way we learn is by watching others, how can we expect children to learn from what we tell them when they first have the ability to learn from what we show them?

Just the other day my friend told me about the parent teacher conference she went to for her five year-old daughter. I laughed out load at her shock at what the feedback was about her child's progress at school, I thought "Here is another example of Positive Discipline in Action."   The child's teachers reported that her daughter was doing very well academically, so well in fact that when it's time for recess she does not want to go out and play. "Just one more math sheet," she says. I laughed because she was so surprised at her daughter's behavior, but to me it was, like mother like daughter. My friend is one of the hardest working people I know. She juggles motherhood, a full time job, a business, being a wife and she is on the board of a local charity organization, really she was surprised that her daughter wanted to stay inside to work rather than go out and play? What example does her daughter have in her mother?  Asking my friend to take a break and just do nothing is nearly impossible!  Recently she was very sick and when I asked her why she didn't just stay home from work her response was, I will be so bored, what will I do? I will probably end up working anyway."   

After I oh so gently challenged her shock about her child's reaction, she had what we call a Positive Discipline A-ha moment and realized that inadvertently, she may be role modeling to her daughter that relaxing and "playtime" is not as important as working.  In her head, my friend know how important social play is for the healthy development of her daughter, but in her heart she realized what she was doing was role modeling the exact opposite.  How could she expect her child to value play if she sees her mother work more than play?  This parent teacher conference was a great reminder for my friend to take the time out to relax, to focus on things besides working and show her child that play is also "productive."  She realized that her daughter was not doing what she was "telling" her to do, not because she wasn't listening, but what she saw was sending a more powerful message.  What message are you sending your child today?

Come learn more about how children develop, learn from the world around them and what you can do to help them develop into healthy and capable adults.  There are still spots left in the 8 Hour Positive Discipline Parenting Course for 0-6 Years Old starting Saturday, April 21, 2012.  See below for more information and details on how to sign up!  Please email talin@contactraw.com if you have any questions or comments.  

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