Helping Kids Cope With Divorce

Aisha Pope, LCSW

Almost 50% of marriages in America end in divorce. Many of those marriages involve children.   Children respond in different ways to the news that their family is separating. Some seem unphased, while others become increasingly nervous and sad, and still others act out at home and in school. Some children seem relieved when they hear about a divorce, and others try everything they can to stop the divorce from going forward. Some have many questions, while others seem disinterested in the process and the reasons. Some feel compelled to take sides, some blame both parents, and some are great at staying (or acting) neutral. How parents talk to their kids about divorce, and respond to their children's feelings about divorce will vary widely based on age, personalities of the parent and the child, emotions involved, and other factors, but here are a few rules of thumb that should apply regardless of the circumstances.

• Keep the talks, especially the heated ones, away from kids - THEY CAN HEAR YOU - so many parents tell us in therapy that their kids have no idea what's going on, but the kids tell a different story. What's worse is, because much of their information comes from overhearing bits and pieces of conversations, they fill in the blanks with inaccurate and unhelpful conclusions.
• Don't badmouth your partner to your kids (or to anyone when there's even a remote possibility they can hear you). Not only is not helpful to the kids, but your relationship with them can be affected by this in many ways. Just one of those ways is trust - if they overhear you saying bad things about their other parent, but to them you say only nice things, they'll start to wonder what else you may be dishonest with them about.
• Whenever possible, before you tell your kids about the upcoming divorce, make sure you can answer some basic questions. Kids will typically ask about living arrangements, schools, pets, friends, and how much contact they will have with each parent. If you're not sure yet, be honest about that, and let them know that when the time comes to make those decisions, their input will be important.
• Encourage them to ask questions. When you don't know the answer, tell them that, and give them an idea of when you may be able to answer that question, and then follow up.
• Keep routines as consistent as possible. There's comfort in routines and familiarity.
• Develop a co-parenting plan - if you and your spouse cannot come up with a plan together, ask for help from a therapist or a divorce mediator.
• Encourage your children to share their feelings and validate those feelings. Ask questions to explore their worries and fears, and be careful not to minimize their feelings (ie: say, "I know how worrisome it can be when things are changing and we're going to do everything we can to help you with your worries" vs. "there's nothing to worry about, everything will be ok")
• Speak honestly, but neutrally about your own emotions related to the divorce (ie: say, "I feel really sad about the divorce too" vs. "Your mom really hurt me too when she decided to leave").
• Keep private communications private - emails, text messages, and phone conversations with your partner, attorney, friends, etc. about the situation should be kept in places where your children can't overhear or snoop.
• Recognize that your children will pick up on your energy and emotions about the divorce. Be honest about the times that you are having a hard time, and talk with them about what you are doing to help yourself feel better. Use examples about times in their life when they struggled with something, and maybe got really sad or angry about it, and how they were able to work through it. Point out that that's what you're all doing with the divorce situation, that some parts of the process will be harder than others, and that like other struggles, this one will get easier over time.
• Never discuss financial arrangements with children, or around them.
• Keep teachers and other caregivers reasonably in the loop and check in often about how your child's behavior, socialness, mood, and academic performance may be affected
• Let your children know that it's important to talk about their feelings with a trusted adult, even if that trusted adult is not you. Brainstorm with them people that may be good for them to talk to. If you are concerned about how your child is managing their feelings about the divorce, consider getting the professional help of a school counselor, spiritual leader, or therapist.
• Ramp up the affection - hugs, back rubs, eye contact, I love you's, and special time often are more effective at providing reassurance than words.

If you are going through (or have gone through) a divorce, breakup, or speration, and think you and/or your partner may benefit from a parenting class aimed at helping couples parent through under these difficult circumstances, please consider registering for our upcoming 2 day workshop.  This course meets the requirement for San Diego courts high conflict parenting class.

Positive Discipline for Parenting Through Divorce

Date: Two Saturdays - March 25, 2012 9am-2:30pm & March 31, 2012 9am-2:30pm

Fees: $125 per person, $200 per couple

EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT: by March 16, 2012 - $15 off a person, $25 off a couple

Lunch is included!

Facilitator: Aisha Pope, LCSW ~ Aisha@ContactRAW.com ~ 619.737.7721

Location: Roots & Wings Consulting

9541 Grossmont Summit Drive

La Mesa, CA 91941

What I need from my mom and dad: A child's list of wants

• I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me.
• Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
• I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
• Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth.
• When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
• Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Source: University of Missouri

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