Minimizing Meltdowns During Holiday Travels

Aisha Pope, LCSW

The holidays are upon us. Many of us are excited about the flurry of activity, the travel, the extended family time, decorations, the seasonal food, and all the other stuff that comes with this time of year. But some of us can't wait til January when this is all over.   For those of us with children who thrive on routine and structure and have trouble responding flexibly to change, holiday travels may mean major meltdowns.  I have one such child. I'm writing this article on a Sunday morning in the fall...I say that to explain why my husband's help came in this way. I said to him, "I'm writing an article on traveling with your children during the holidays. What kinds of tips do you think I should give people to make it easier?" "The kid," he says, "is like a football. Our job is to protect the ball. You're the quarterback because you're the mom and you know your kid the best so you're calling all the plays. Me, and our moms, and all of the other people our kid feels close to are like the blockers. They help us look for threats to the ball and neutralize them. We get to the end of the night without a major meltdown...that's like a touchdown."

Here are a few tips we came up with for neutralizing the threat to the ball....

1)   DON'T OVER-SCHEDULE Travelling to your hometown for the holidays is great, and when you're only there for a few days it's tempting to try to pack visits to everyone into that short time. An overwhelmed and tired kid is a cranky kid. You may not be able to see everyone on every trip. See who you can, and ask everyone else to be understanding.

2)   BRING A LITTLE BIT OF HOME WITH YOU Do your best to pack familiar toys and comfort items for your child. When everything else is different, a little familiarity can go a long way.

3)   HAVE A SCHEDULE Of course the best laid plans sometimes get sidetracked, but planning ahead can make a huge difference in how confident and organized you feel, and reduce your child's anxiety about the unknown. Consider writing social stories about holiday travel and meeting new people. Keep the daily routine as close to what you're used to as possible.

4)   PLAN AHEAD FOR TIME CHANGES If you're travelling to a different time zone, consider adjusting your child's sleep schedule for a few days before it's time to travel so that they're not having meltdowns because they're too tired, or can't sleep because their internal clock says it's too early.

5)   CAREFULLY CONSIDER WHERE YOU'LL STAY If your child is likely to be overwhelmed, don't bunk at grand central station. Grandma's house may be where you usually stay, but if grandma's house is likely to be a nonstop party, maybe staying at cousin Pete's is a better idea.

And during those holiday parties....

1)   HAVE AN ALLY Many parents of young children or children with special needs find themselves so involved in the care of their children during a party that they feel isolated from the festivities. Identify your support people, and plan ahead to make sure you have help if you need it.

2)   PLAN AHEAD FOR FOOD Bring back up foods that you know your child likes. If you know your child has food sensitivities or allergies, let the other adults know. My son, for example, is allergic to milk, nuts, eggs, and soy. Milk, nuts, eggs, and soy are in LOTS of things. Nothing ruins a Thanksgiving dinner like anaphylactic shock, so it's important that well meaning adults who may give your child treats know to check with you first.

3)   HAVE AN ESCAPE HATCH This is your time out space. A place for you and your child to go when things get overwhelming and you need to take some space. Besides this though, plan breaks into the routine. Don't wait for a meltdown. Planning breaks into your routine may be a great way to head them off at the pass.

4)    LET YOUR CHILD BE COMFORTABLE (My husband asks that this be extended to husbands) Help your child pick out clothes that he likes and that feel comfortable to him. Sure a three piece suit would look cute in the family picture. But would you rather have a happy comfortable child in his favorite Transformers T-Shirt, or a miserable child who can't stop tugging at his collar.  

5)   DON'T ARGUE WITH PEOPLE WHO CRITICIZE YOUR METHODS Also, don't allow pressure from others to cause you to discipline in a way you wouldn't normally.I won't spank my child; I try my best not to yell at him; and if we need to talk about his behavior, we'll go to a private place to do that. I've been shocked at how many people seem outraged when I speak calmly to my misbehaving child. I've been told in these moments that I'm spoiling him, and "What that boy needs is a good swat!" While I'm happy to share information about Positive Discipline and why I'm treating my child with dignity and respect, I find that it's hard for me to do this effectively in the middle of one of his meltdowns, so in the moment I focus on helping him get re-regulated, and worry about others' opinions of how I did that later.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and your child. Not every meltdown is preventable. Validate your child's feelings (and your own) about how hard it can be when everything is different than they're used to. And remember, this meltdown too shall pass.

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