Connection Before Correction

Talin Yesaie, MFT

When babies are born, one of the first things doctors and nurses do is place the baby on the mother for "skin to skin contact" within the first hour of the baby's life. Studies show that benefits include, "happier babies, the baby's temperature is more stable and more normal, heart and breathing rates are more stable and normal, blood sugar is more elevated, and they are less likely to cry." This "connection" in the first few moments of life is shown to have many benefits for healthy physical and emotional development. This need for connection continues throughout our lives as it builds and continuously supports relationships.

One of my favorite quotes, "You have to reach the heart before you can reach the head," is a statement that resonates close to my heart.   As one of the cornerstones of Positive Discipline and Adlerian Psychology, mutual respect and dignity are essential parts of any relationship, and the connection begins at birth between mother and child. The connection between parent and child allows for mutual respect and the desire to do what feels good. When people feel good about themselves they are more successful and happier in life. This feelings begin at birth. There are several things parents can do to help children feel good about themselves and be open to learning the lessons that parents and life have to teach them. Below are a few ideas on how to connect with your child's heart to open up their mind to listen instead of only hear what you have to say.

1. Create closeness and trust instead of distance and hostility. Don't engage with your child when you are upset. They can feel your energy. Although it is important to address the issue immediately, notice how you are feeling at the moment, are you able to engage, be calm and create a trusting environment before you correct the behavior?
2. Allow for opportunities for children to feel important and validated. The primary goal of all children (all people for that matter) is to have a sense of belonging and significance in this world. Children are more open to what you have to say if they feel like you understand how they are feeling. Take a moment and reflect their feelings or thoughts before addressing the problem.
3. Look for Win-Win Solutions. Consequences are meant to teach people that the behavior is wrong. They are not meant to be a punishment. If you focus more on respectful solutions to a problem rather than "paying for it," children and teenagers will continue to have dignity and respect and be more likely to work towards solutions with you.

Connections can be made in several ways, as simple as a hug or a moment of validation. If the connection to the heart is made first, the messages of love, life's lessons and potential consequences of misbehavior will be understood and applied rather than simply heard.