Ways to Recognize if

Your Child Is Being Bullied

Aisha Pope, LCSW

By today, the day after Labor Day, pretty much every school in the country is back in session. As we sent or dropped our kids off this morning, the emotions they approached the day with are as varied as the hair styles we sent them with. Some of our kids were excited, some were nervous, some were determined, some were indifferent (or pretending to be), and more than a few were downright terrified. Of those that were terrified, many of them were returning students afraid to face bullies. According to a 2007 poll, California is the worst state to live in if you want to avoid bullies. New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania, and Washington complete the top 5.

As the parent of a hyper, rambunctious, intelligent, funny, and very quirky child entering the public school system in California this year, my excitement about this new chapter in his life is tempered by my anxieties about the seriousness of bullying in schools today. I used to think I didn't have to worry about this until middle school, but when a 1st grader recently told me that she had to be a "slave for a week" in order to be allowed to play with the group of friends she wanted to play with, I realized that my kindergartener may be at risk. Our kids are remarkably good at hiding things they don't want us to see, and being bullied is often one of those things.

Here are some signs to look out for that may mean your child is being bullied:

• Aggressive pretend play - often times with younger kids their play is a window into their world. Be alert for aggression or bullying themes in pretend play and ask them to talk with you about it.
• Bullying others - bullying can be (not always) contagious. It is not uncommon for kids who are being bullied at school to bully younger siblings, cousins, or neighborhood friends.
• Mood changes - look out for symptoms of increased nervousness, sadness, irritability, and anger. Also, you may notice that your outgoing child is a bit shyer, or your talkative child may be more quiet.
• Isolation - children who are bullied may spend more time alone, and may not seem to enjoy doing things they used to enjoy doing. Older kids may start pulling out of extracurricular activities and avoid social events.
• Disliking school - many children complain about going to school, but bullied children may be particularly avoidant or fearful. Also look for changes in academic performance.
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits - the key here is change .  Whether they start eating more or less isn't important.  Also watch for sleeping too much, difficulty falling or staying asleep, or troubling dreams.
• Damaged or missing clothing or property - some damage or loss of property is par for the course, but if this is happening frequently, or if your child's explanations don't seem plausible, ask more questions.
• Increased physical complaints - sometimes when kids are being bullied they fake illnesses to avoid going to school. Also, many children internalize feelings of depression, fear, anger, or anxiety, and those feelings come out in the form of headaches, stomachaches, and other physical symptoms.
• Change in style of dress - you may notice increased covering up that is not appropriate to the weather (which could indicate hiding injuries, or concerns about body image among other things) or desperate attempts to dress in a way that helps them fit in. Some level of this is normal, of course, but parents should be alert to times when this seems excessive.