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Greetings!
Once the horse is out of the barn, the chase is on where the horse has the control and you are running behind. It's better to make sure you close the barn door. Limits are like closing the barn door. They are saying, "These are the family rules that you are expected to follow. " The horse could kick down the door or jump over it, yet most will stay within the safety of the set limit.
Due to personality differences, some dads are uncomfortable setting limits, so they don't, while others set them harshly and without respect. It's helpful to view limit setting as a "teachable moment" rather than a time to impose a punitive consequence.
Here are five reasons why children need you to set respectful limits:
- They need to feel the security of external limits before they can handle more freedom and develop internal limits.
- They need someone in charge.
- They feel cared about when adults set limits on them; even when they complain.
- A limit can give them an opportunity to get upset and release pent up feelings that are hindering their ability to cooperate.
- They need a structure that encourages "good" behavior so they feel good about themselves.
Having eye contact, keeping a respectful tone and clearly stating expectations before and the limit during are key ingredients for effective limit setting. Read the dad's experience below to see how he used this approach for computer use limit setting.
To gain great parenting skills, attend my dad's only 4-week parenting class starting on Thursday, June 16th where you will learn this skill among other important strategies.
Look in the Classes section below to register. Please register by Tuesday, June 14th.
Happy Fathering
Cynthia Please share this newsletter with other parents, schools or businesses so I can help other families build bridges of understanding. |
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 | | Limits Equals Love |
Parent Success Story
Setting Limits with Clarity
I'm an easy going guy so I find it difficult to set limits with my three children. As a result, I usually don't set expectations ahead of time so when I ask my children to get off the computer, they usually get say no and don't get off. Cynthia has been In-Home coaching with me teaching me how to set expectations ahead of time so the kids know what to expect and therefore will be more cooperative.
Here is the format for setting a clear limit before they use the compute.
· Tell them the limit or expectation rather than asking for agreement or saying, "OK" at the end. I am not looking for their agreement when I am setting a nonnegotiable rule.
· Look directly into each child's eyes so I know I have their attention. That means I am at their eye level and not talking to the back of their head or from the door.
· Here is a sample dialogue:
o Me with my 5 year-old, "You may play the computer game for 45 minutes. I will set the timer to let you know when time is up. How much warning time do you need that your time is almost up? 10 minutes?"
o Child answers, "Ten minutes."
Me, "I'm setting the timer and putting it right here." I may even tell them the actual time that they need to be off the computer.
· I made the same statements to my two other children as well, making sure I had their eye contact and acknowledgement along with agreement.
· I set the kitchen timer for me to know when time is up.
· It works best if I give two warnings that time is almost up to my 5 year old who gets engrossed and has a hard time stopping.
· When their time was up, I told them, not asked them, to get off of the computer. "It's time to get off of the computer."
I had the best results with my eight year-old son. One day he was playing WII with his younger brother. He had acknowledged the 30 minute limit at the start of playtime so when I told him it was time, he got off. His younger brother wanted to play more and my son said, "I can't. I told dad I would stop. " WOW! The other two were also more cooperative than my previous "non-limiting setting approach".. Learning and implementing effective limit setting skills with Cynthia has created a more peaceful home where everyone is happier; especially me! Thanks, Cynthia.
Dad of three children
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Upcoming Classes for
Summer / Fall 2011
Visit my website for details
Free introductory classes
What is "Relationship Parenting" and How Can My Family Benefit?
If you want your family to improve
communication and cooperation skills, then this is the class to get you started. Studies have shown that parents lead the family by example. Discover how Relationship Parenting will teach you positive discipline strategies and listening skills that will help you resolve family conflict and build world peace in your home.
2 dates to choose from:
Tuesday, June 28, 6:30 - 8:30.
Cost: Complementary class
Click here to register
Monday, August 8, 7:00 - 9:00.
Cost: Complementary Class
Click here to register
For Dads:
I've Got the Kids Alone!! - A Class Just for Fathers
This is a class for fathers who co-parent their children with the parents not living together or as a solo parent. Our focus will be learning parenting skills that were primarily the mothers before. Now you have to plan everything before an excursion, getting the kids ready for school, social activities, getting them to bed, listening to their problems, etc. Your ideas and experiences will be contributing to a book for dads just like you. What a great opportunity to support and learn from each other. Call me with any questions.
Dates: 4 Thursdays, June 16, 23, 30, (skip July 7), July 14
Time: 7:00 - 9:00
Location: Cynthia's office in San Mateo
Cost: $160 per father
Registration:
Click here to register for I've Got the Kids Alone! Class
Upcoming Fall class:
Disciplining the Strong Willed Child, 4 Tuesdays starting September 13th at Kaiser Permanente in Redwood City.
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Cynthia is
Building World Peace in the Home through:
Private Coaching Sessions in person, by phone or Skype to answer your specific questions.
Parenting Classes to learn skills and gain support from parents.
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Speaking
at your organization on a variety of topics.
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Inspirational Words
 | "Children are mirrors that reflect adult society. When adults are ailing and their vision clouded, children will also suffer. We must protect children and give them courage, strength and vitality. It is parents who nurture children, the hope of humanity. How noble parents are! What a great mission and responsibility they fulfill."
Daisaku Ikeda
President of the SGI World Wide Organization
World Renowned Author and Poet | |
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Kid's View
| Depending on my nature, i may have an easy time following your directions or i may like to say "No!!"
If my first reaction is "No!", the most important response is for you to stay calm. Do not take my defiance personally. It's not about you, it's probably that I'm feeling stuck inside and uncooperative. State the limit again, calmly, and then acknowledge my upset. "It's time to get ready for bed. I see that you want to keep playing. " Pause. "Bedtime." To help me get prepared for this change, it's also helpful to give me a ten minute warning.. Remember that I love you no matter what i say.
Love,
Your children
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Words of Wisdom
In the June issue of Parenting on the Peninsula, I help dads organize a "day alone with the kids." Dads Creating a Rainbow Day
A famous musician introduced his performance of "Over the Rainbow" saying, "You c
an't have a rainbow without having some stormy weather." Imagine you are a dad taking the kids to the Exploratorium by yourself. You want everyone to have a good time, yet you may have some reservations. What if the kids become cranky and disagreeable? What if they fight? What if my child has a tantrum on the Exploratorium floor? These worries can cause even the most confident dad to hesitate. .....
click her to read the entire article. Spread the word!! Invite me to speak at your school, company, church or daycare center. wow!!!  | |
Coming to your home!!
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I now provide In-Home Coaching. This is real On the Job Training. This is what you have been waiting for. Some "in the moment advice" that is directly related to your needs. Call me to find out more! 650 341-0779 | |
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