 Greetings!
What would our world be like if our parenting actions were based on the belief that children learn better in caring and accepting environments? Right away, I can hear the fear. "My children would get out of control if I'm not strict! They would try to get away with murder."
Being a caring and accepting parent also means setting expectations and limits on our children. The human brain learns better when emotionally connected to others. So, according to brain research, discipline strategies are more effective than punishment strategies in teaching life skills. You may fall into using punishment because your old training tells you, "You have to be strict. Your children have to suffer or they won't learn how to behave." Let's look at the differences in philosophy.
Parent's Attitude for Using PunishmentI must:Correct "bad" behavior in the past. Impose a punitive consequence.
I believe:Children need to suffer to learn to behave."This is your punishment because of what you already did. Don't do it again."
Parent's Attitude for Using DisciplineI will:
Try to change future behaviorSee the situation as a "teachable" moment.
I believe:
Children will make mistakes as they learn.
"Let's discuss the problem and find solutions together because this behavior is not ok."
It takes planning to use discipline strategies. When you are upset and try to change your children"s behavior, there is a good chance you will fall into using punishment.The first step is to stop when you are upset, calm down and then make parenting choices. You will also be teaching your children that self-control is possible and you will feel better about yourself.
Happy Parenting!
Cynthia
Please share this newsletter with other parents, schools or businesses so I can help other families build bridges of understanding.
Go to my website to learn about my parenting philosophy.
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PARENT SUCCESS STORY
Dad Helps "Stuck" Son
Here is a great success story demonstrating the benefits of parent education.
I was raised by very strict parents who did not listen to feelings. Through parent education with Cynthia, I have realized the importance of emotions and the value of listening to my children. My wife and I are gaining cooperative behaviors from our children through setting limits and connection rather than control. I used my new listening skills last week. Here is my story.
My 4
year-old son wanted his 6 year-old sister to sing a song a certain way. He started
to demand that it be sung his way. His sister kept trying and it still didn't
please my son. At this point, he really started to get upset and cry saying her
singing wasn't right. I could see that nothing was going to please him and he
was acting in inappropriate ways to his sister. I stepped in and firmly told him to
stop what he was doing and carried him outside.
I remembered what Cynthia taught
me about his need to release pent up feelings that were causing his rigid
behavior. I held him in my arms as he cried and tried to get down to come into
the house. I repeated the limit that he was staying in my arms until he felt
better and could be nice to his sister. It didn't take too long before he finished
crying and said he was ready to act nice to his sister. He came in the house
happy, calm and playful.
Instead of listening to my father's critical voice in my head,
who would not have been able to listen to an upset child, I remained calm and
caring knowing that my son was doing just what he needed to do to feel and act better. I also didn't harbor any ill will towards my son as my parents would have. I feel better as a dad with these new skills. Thanks, Cynthia!
San Jose Dad of a 4 and 6 year-old
Each parent has different concerns which means that each parent needs different solutions. When I work individually, either in person or by phone, I first carefully listen to your concerns. I find out what has worked in the past and what is not working now. I make suggestions and you decide what to try.
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Upcoming Classes for
Fall 2010
Go to my website for details
Free Introductory
Classes What is
"Relationship Parenting" and How Can My Family Benefit?
Explore
a style of parenting that is based on building connection, influence and
cooperation. Connection is the key rather than control.
2 dates left to choose from. Each class is the same.
1. Monday, Oct. 4, 6:30 - 8:30 pm 2. Tuesday, Dec. 7, 11 am - 1pm
See side panel for testimonial from August class.
Developing Thinking Children
Learn how to guide your
children in the problem
solving process of brainstorming solutions, consequential thinking and
taking
action.
Date(s):3 Mondays, Aug. 30, Sept. 6, 13
Communicating With Your Teenager
Part of the key to
communicating with your teen is knowing when to direct and when to listen. Come
to this class to gain knowledge and practice your communication skills.
Date(s): 3 Thurs, Sept. 30, Oct. 7, 14
Discipline
and the Strong-Willed ChildFor parents with children ages
4-10 years oldDo you have a
difficult time getting you strong-willed child to cooperate? Rather than
ending up in power struggles, break this cycle and build cooperation. Learn how
to bring out the best in yourself and your children. Dates: 4
Tuesdays, Oct. 12, 19, 26, Nov. 2
The Special Mother- Daughter Relationship For moms of girls 10 - 15
Explore this unique and challenging relationship. Learn how to create closeness and separateness at the same time.
Date(s):3 Mondays, Nov. 1, 8,15
Go to my website for details
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Cynthia is
Building World Peace in the Home through:
Private Coaching Sessions in person, by phone or Skype to answer your specific questions.
Parenting Classes to learn skills and gain support from parents.
.
Speaking at your organization on a variety of topics.
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Inspirational Words
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"Children who may be suffering a disadvantage compared to their peers need our encouragement all the more. Watch over these children with affection and encourage them. Discover their strengths and praise them for those, building their confidence. Become their unfailing ally, support them, shower them with love and believe utterly in their potential. Respect their individuality.That is a parent's role."
Daisaku Ikeda
President of the SGI World Wide Organization
World Renowned Author and Poet
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Kid's View
| Dear Mom and Dad,
When I feel bad inside, it's hard for me to think straight. I don't mean to do things to make you mad at me. Can you find a way to help me learn without yelling at me, giving me time-out or taking my special things away from me? Making me sit in my room to think about what I did can calm me down. I think being in your trusting arms and talking about the problem would help me figure things out better. I would feel your love rather than your disappointment. When I feel loved, I always act better.
Thanks for listening to me.
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Words of Wisdom
Contact me for my complementary
article titled:
Punishment and Discipline
Punishment strategies: Commanding, interrogating, grounding, time out, threats, name calling,shaming
Discipline strategies:
Pointing to misbehavior, not the child, telling child impact of behavior on others, setting and enforcing nonnegotiable rules, teaching problem solving steps. |
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Thank you, Cynthia
Thank you very much for the free class. I felt very informed in just 2 hours. Thank you for all that you do in the community of parenting. I truly appreciate your style of parenting. Looking forward to many more years with you.
A Nanny and future mom.
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Cynthia is now writing for the monthly journal, Parenting on the Peninsula
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The Middle School Mom
In October I'll be exploring how to not block communication when your upset child comes home from school. Here is a little taste of this article:
Your child
comes home from middle school visibly upset. Sadness, anxiety, worry,
confusion, rejection, or nervousness may be lurking below the surface. Perhaps
your child had a disagreement with a friend or didn't do well on a test. Often
parents immediately start interrogating to find out what is wrong only to be
met with anger or silence. You were just trying to help. Why won't your child
talk with you? What went wrong?
To receive the entire article, contact me or read my article coming up in the October issue of Parenting on the Peninsula.
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