It Takes Courage to Listen!

July 2010 Bridges 2 Understanding

Greetings!

It takes courage to listen. It takes courage to become close to your children. We have to become vulnerable and feel our feelings. We also feel our children's feelings. Most parents can't listen to their children's sufferings. It triggers their own deep suffering that has been lingering in their emotional limbic system for a long time. Most parents try to take away their children's suffering so they don't have to feel their own suffering. We tell their children how wonderful they are, we tell them to stop whining, we tell them that we don't want to hear unpleasant feelings.

Children try and try to be heard by their parents. They eventually give up. Instead, the children bury their own hurt feelings in their limbic system to be stored away. These feelings forever influence their future actions without knowing it. The cycle of hurt continues. These children tell their parents that they hate them, that they are mean, that they don't listen and can't wait to get away from them. Or the scarier option is that children shut the door and speak no more. The feelings fester inside and destructive behaviors can emerge towards themselves and others.

Sometimes when I speak to groups about listening to their children, parents become angry. Fear may be behind the anger. Fear of losing control. If a parent isn't harsh and show disapproval through taking things away, a vulnerable feeling takes over. Vulnerability can be scary when you have been hurt in the past.

Listening with acceptance brings closeness. I encourage you to find someone who will listen to you without judgment or advice. When you are listened to, you will become a better listener for your children.

Happy Parenting!
Cynthia

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Go to my website to learn about my parenting philosophy.

PARENT SUCCESS STORY

How We Gained Our Daughter's Desire to Do Chores

The following is a great success story of how private coaching can be so helpful.

Dear Cynthia,

I'm writing to give you a progress report. Things are going well. We took your suggestion and sat down and made a list of chores for each of us to do. We explained to our daughter that we all have to work together to make our house cleaner and things more organized. She seemed to handle it well. I've started giving her allowance instead of paying her to do jobs. It seems like she "gets" the concept of saving vs. spending.

I've been working on trying to let her complain and vent without it bothering me. (Keep telling myself it's a good thing that she complains and whines). All in all, your ideas have helped a lot, not just in making things more peaceful, but also in making me feel more confident about my parenting.

Sincerely,

A mom and dad from San Francisco

Each parent has different concerns which means that each parent needs different solutions. When I work individually, either in person or by phone, I first carefully listen to your concerns. I find out what has worked in the past and what is not working now. I make suggestions and you decide what to try. The above story is a couple I am meeting with about once a month.

Inspire Other Parents!

Share your parenting success story with other parents in my newsletter. Receive 30 minutes free parenting coaching as my thank you gift.

It's easy. Tell me your story over the phone. I'll write it up then I'm yours for 30 minutes more! Contact me to set up your appointment.

Upcoming Classes for
Fall 2010

Developing Thinking Children

Learn how to guide your children in the problem solving process of brainstorming solutions, consequential thinking and taking action.

Date(s): 3 Mondays, Aug. 30, Sept. 6, 13

Time: 6:30 - 8:30

Location: San Mateo Office

Cost: $90/ parent, $150 / couple

Registration: cynthia@bridges2understanding.com or 650 341-0779

Communicating With Your Teenager

Part of the key to communicating with your teen is knowing when to direct and when to listen. Come to this class to gain knowledge and practice your communication skills.

Date(s): 3 Thurs, Sept. 30, Oct. 7, 14

Time: 6:30 - 8:30

Location: Children's Health Council

Cost: $90/ parent, $150 / couple

Registration: www.chconline.org

The Special Mother- Daughter Relationship For moms of girls 10 - 15

Explore this unique and challenging relationship. Learn how to create closeness and separateness at the same time.

Date(s): 3 Mondays, Nov. 1, 8,15

Time: 6:30 - 8:30

Location: Children's Health Council

Cost: $90/ parent, $150 / couple

Registration: www.chconline.org

Free Introductory Classes

What is "Relationship Parenting" and How Can My Family Benefit?

Explore a style of parenting that is based on building connection, influence and cooperation. Connection is the key rather than control.

3 dates to choose from. Each class is the same.

1. Thursday, August 26,11am - 1pm

2. Monday, Oct. 4, 6:30 - 8:30 pm

3. Tuesday, Dec. 7, 11 am - 1pm

In This Issue

Class Schedule

Services

Inspiration

Kid's View

Wisdom

Cynthia is
Building World Peace in the Home through:

Private Coaching Sessions in person, by phone or Skype to answer your specific questions.

Parenting Classes to learn skills and gain support from parents.
.
Speaking at your organization on a variety of topics.

Inspirational Words
Back of card logo

"There is no need to worry, even if your child is swayed temporarily. As long as the parents believe in the child until the very end and patiently nurture strength within the child; the child can ultimately win no matter what may happen along the way. Together you can see your lives unfold."

Daisaku Ikeda
President of the SGI World Wide Organization
World Renowned Author and Poet

Kid's View

Dear Mom,
I love you and appreciate you more and more each day. I am honored and proud to call you mom. When I am not strong enough to stand up, I do it for you. I do it because I know you love me, too. ...And I know with your love and support, eventually I'll be able to do it for me, too. You are my heart. You are my soul. I love you.
Happy Mother's Day.
Your loving daughter,
Jen.

Words of Wisdom Contact me for my complementary article titled: Respectful Reminders Excerpt: Calmly restate the rule as many times as needed. Expect and accept this as your parental job. Parent: " I expect you to be home by 8:00." Child: " But mom, that's too early." Parent: 8:00 and that's final." Then leave.Your child may continue to grumble. You don't need to respond.

Cynthia is a hit at Stanford University!
*******************************

Cynthia's parent education workshops have been a great benefit to our staff, students and community. Her topics are timely and relevant and the response on campus has been huge. Workshop participants always appreciate Cynthia's clear, direct and sympathetic style of presenting. She understands parenting issues on a personal and professional level and cares greatly about helping parents change. Her philosophy of building peace within the home has been a refreshing approach to parent coaching."

Susannah Halliburton

Assistant Director

WorkLife Office
Stanford University
http://worklife.stanford.edu

Topics: Parental Anger, Building Connections, Self-Esteem, Giving New Freedoms.