There's something written about the right kind of praise to keep from creating a "praise junkie." Recent research detailed a blood test for babies to check for autism. "Time" magazine devoted an entire issue describing introverts. Help for sibling rivalry is a favorite topic as well as parenting techniques for the tween and teen years.

We debated the no-nonsense parenting of the Chinese tiger mom; and, now French parenting techniques are acclaimed ("French Parents Are Superior") for maintaining parent authority, delaying gratification or waiting, and boundary setting. (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html?mod=WSJ_hpp_RIGHTTopCarousel_1) Can it really be true, as this article suggests, that American parents over-parent their children, that they rear children who can't wait or be happy alone or have self-control, and finally do not insist that "no" is "no?"

What are the basics for good parenting? Do any long-range studies connect parenting styles and results in children? A classic study in the 60's, by Diana Baumrind, with ongoing research since then, ties techniques and results together. Baumrind studied over 100 families in the areas of "disciplinary strategies, warmth and nurturance, communication styles, and expectations of maturity and control." The conclusion was that most parents display one of three different parenting styles. Following is a description of each.

Authoritarian Parenting

Children are expected to follow strict rules established by the parents, with punishment resulting when a violation occurs. Baumrind's research: "These parents are obedience-and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation. (Because I said so.)"

Result: This parenting style most often produces children who are obedient, but "rank lower in happiness, social competence, and self-esteem."

Authoritative Parenting

This style also has rules and expectations for children to follow, but parents permit conversation and input from the children and are more democratic and nurturing. Baumrind's words: "These parents monitor and impart clear standards for their children's conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive; their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than restrictive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative."

Result: Children are happy, capable, and successful; able to problem solve and make choices.

Permissive Parenting

These parents make few demands on their children and have a low vision of maturity and self-control. Baumrind's words: "These parents are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation." They often take the status of friend with their children. Misbehavior is usually ignored.

Result: Children are less happy and have low self-regulation. They are likely to have problems with authority and may function poorly in school.

I offer these contrasts in parenting styles as a means for NQACC parents to rethink daily encounters with their children and the "parenting messages" children take away from the encounters. Obviously, every parent today wants a child to be happy, capable, and successful. Perhaps childrearing methods of today are not as distinct as the 60's study. Could it be that one parent leans toward one style, while the other parent leans toward a different style? In our diverse culture, what part does one's background and socioeconomic status, education, religion, and family size play, as we do our parenting? What are the messages we are sending to our children? What qualities are emerging in our children?

There's bound to be a new parenting resource! When it comes around, let's remember Baumrind's research, review our values and what we are doing, and then convey our well-considered, intentional messages to children.

After a quick clean up and an assessment of how wet the child's pants were, the dad came out with a choice statement. He said, "Well, I hope you learned a good lesson." The child didn't miss a beat and responded very matter-of-factly, "No, not really."

I almost laughed out loud. I wanted to high-five the kid and say to the dad, 'Dude, accidents happen!" Now maybe the child was playing with his glass or doing something he shouldn't have- so I of course should not judge that parent too harshly. I would have been (and many times have been) frustrated with an inconvenient spill as well! But I really don't believe the boy spilled his water intentionally. It really wasn't the result of a mean-spirited bad choice and you can learn every "good lesson" in the book and still occasionally knock over a glass of water!

This month's "Fruit of the month" is goodness. We all want to raise our children to be good people, and it definitely takes words to help them understand what it means to be good. But so often our words just get in the way. For example, have you asked your child this useless question: "Why can't you be good?" This has to be one of my all-time least favorite things to say to a child. What's a child to answer? How about, "I'm just tired and hungry and your expectations are awfully high for me right now!" Or perhaps they might need to tell you, "I've just not successfully accomplished that developmental milestone yet, mommy!" Or better yet, "It's just my sin nature!"

So how do we help our kids become good people? It's so much more than any single article can convey and it's definitely much more than the words we say to our kids. On a regular basis we must remind ourselves that our actions speak infinitely louder than our words and that our kids learn primarily from watching what we do rather than hearing what we say.

So maybe a high-five is also due to that father back at the restaurant. After the spill he didn't hit the kid. He didn't call him stupid, and he didn't even ask him that useless question, "Why did you do that?" He's one of us, just trying to do his best to raise a good kid.

Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts... and be silent. Psalm 4:4