By Mary Ann Abbott, Parent Consultant
North Seattle Community College
Here are some timely tips for interacting with one's children as parents scurry around in preparation of the Christmas holidays. This season is filled with countless parenting challenges for saying "yes" and "no!"
When I was starting my parenting journey, an older, more experienced parenting mentor told me their family goal was to say "yes" to their children -most of the time. I thought this was a worthy goal and a great value to shoot for. In my naïve way, I had a great value system and was ready to take on parenting! I loved being positive.
Toddler Antics!
Then I encountered the antics of my toddler son! I followed him around as he tried to stick his fingers in the electrical outlets. I shadowed him as he tried to run down the sidewalk and then dash into the street. I caught him throwing stones at passing cars. I grabbed him back from the campfire. When he tried to jump down 8 steps, I frantically interceded. In my heart, I was yelling "NO! NO! NO!" I admit I also said it out loud -many times! I couldn't help myself! Is it really possible for the parent of a toddler not say "no" to everyday exploration antics? My answer was - you guessed it-"NO!"
Friendship Wars
When my child had language capabilities, I tried to help him with relationship challenges. You know, build wonderful friendships though great conversations. When his friend wouldn't share a truck with him, my son flattened him with a huge, powerful push. Several times I had to make the peace when those "great conversations" got louder and louder and more intense as my child and his buddy tried to "shout it," screaming competing ideas. "No!" I said, trying not to yell myself. "Let's talk about this calmly."
Mind Changing Tactics
Then there came the arguing. I give a directive: "We need to hurry tonight. We've played late, and it's past your bedtime. Hurry now, so you can take a shower. I'll be in to help you with it." Guess what? After a wonderful family day with extra playing time, my son decides to be contrary: he says, "No! I want a bubble-bath!" And begs, argues, and tries to talk me out of my plan. "But, you said I could take a bubble-bath tonight!" (With a sigh and angrily folded arms.) "I don't want to take a shower tonight. I want a bubble-bath! You promised! It's not right to break a promise. It's not fair! This makes me mad!" AND, THEN HE WHINES!
I want to say: "No. We'll have none of this. Into the shower, you go, young man." But, then I think: "He is right. I did promise. I want him to have a good value system of what a promise is. I want him to rely on my Word. Should I backtrack and let him have the bubble-bath or should I respond to an important value that he's already tired and needs to get into bed asap? This scene mirrors a typical, day-to-day dilemma every conscientious parent faces. Is this situation the time when I go with my friend's value system and say "yes?" Should I continue to say "no?" What is the real concern here? Is it the bubble-bath situation or is it the child's arguing --pestering the parent to change the directive?
What the Experts Say
Carolyn Webster-Stratton, researcher from the UW parenting clinic, in her book The Incredible Years, A Trouble-Shooting Guide for Parents of Children Aged 3-8, says that "normal children do not comply with parents' requests about one-third of the time, and that the average parent gives about 17 commands in half an hour." These numbers may seem high. If a family comes anywhere near these averages, there's got to be a balance of a no answer and a yes answer.
Since the task for parents is to guide children with "reasonable" limits, there will have to be some well-considered, even absolute "no's" and some value-driven, well-thought-out "yeses." And, since the task of children is to test the rules, a "yes" and a "no" will teach them appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Still, parents will need to be diplomatic in how the no's and yeses are delivered: varying the way it's said, staying consistent from day to day, and teaching /helping the child toward self-regulation.
My friend and I are really saying the same things. I can still hold the value of wanting to say "yes" to my children.
** I've learned to really think about why I am saying "no."
** I've learned it should not be an automatic response, especially when I only half-hear what the child really wants.
**I've learned to take more time, to be thoughtful, and really listen to the child.
**I've learned that compromise can bring a "yes" which is celebrated by both parent and child.
**I've also discovered that many these resolves and newly-found insights regarding the best answer to give have not been in the heat of the moment. The answers have been found in a relaxing time for myself, even if it's only a few minutes of quiet reflection. A longer self-indulgent bubble-bath also works!
