Friday, June 25, 2010

 

I have shared in previous articles about my belief in the power of modeling respectful talk in the home. When we speak respectfully to our kids (invitations vs. commands) and to each other as parents (modeling kindness), our kids learn communication skills that will help them have successful relationships. I'm convinced my teenage boys get along well now and speak kindly to each other, resolving conflicts without "fighting," because my husband and I made it household priority to not yell in anger at them or each other. Conversely, if a child grows up in a home where angry shouting or passive-aggressive silence is the norm, where disagreements aren't handled with respect and don't come to some healthy resolve, the child's security is snatched away and the child feels out of control of anything in his or her young life.

In an article called, "If You Watched Your Parents Fighting, You Learn Fighting-Or Peace Keeping," Therapist James Lehman helps us understand the power of modeling healthy communication skills:
Children learn behaviors and norms from the people closest to them, their parents. But if a family is dysfunctional, they will also learn that dysfunctional behavior. When a child grows up with parents fighting all the time, they either come to think of that as "normal" and become fighters themselves, frequently bullying other children or needing to have control in their other relationships-or they recognize that it is not normal and will do anything to avoid it. In the latter case, they become children who are altogether unassertive, giving in whenever there is a conflict or disagreement about anything, because they would rather keep the peace at all costs than risk an argument.

Neither of these approaches is healthy or effective in the long term. Children-and all people really-need to learn how to resolve conflicts in a calm, peaceful manner through effective communication techniques. But the children of battling adults have no role model to teach them this necessary skill. Children learn by example, and the children of parents who are always fighting will struggle with relationship issues all their lives because they never learned how to communicate, compromise, and get along with others. They had no positive example to follow.

Even in families where parents fighting is not an extreme problem, parents should remember that what they do and say, and more importantly, how they act toward one another, influences their child, their child's self-esteem, and their child's short- and long-term emotional health, as well as their future relationships. One of the best things parents can do for their children is to set a healthy example when they do not see eye to eye and to seek counseling, if necessary, to develop more effective communication and conflict resolution techniques if fighting is an issue in their home.

My prayer for all of us is that we will fully understand the power of words and remember the encouragement from God's word (Proverbs 12:18) about using words wisely: There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. For more practical tips for resolving conflicts in a healthy way, especially in front of kids, check out this article: http://family-marriage-counseling.com/mentalhealth/fair-fighting.htm

 

It is a painting done by a group of children at my son's birthday party.  Children were given yellow, blue, red and white paint and some wooden skewers.  They were told they could do whatever they wanted.  Each child chose a color or two and then squished paint around with their fingers and hands.  Skewers were used to draw lines and squiggles.  Several of the children asked their parents if they could do it again at home.
 
Open ended art projects provide children with entertainment and fun, but also with some important learning opportunities.  Art is one of the ways that children and adults can communicate ideas, feelings, as well as explore their own creative skills and even problem solving.
 
Parents and teachers often do art that has a specific end goal or project in mind.  Projects or crafts that provide new and interesting experiences for children are valuable and important parts of the learning process.  Projects like using yellow to color a school bus, or red to paint an apple help children learn their colors and even words to describe things they see every day.  Sitting down with your child and coloring in a coloring book is a fun and enjoyable way to spend time with your child.  These projects only go part way in developing a child's creativity.  Children need opportunities to explore art mediums in open ended, unformatted avenues. 
 
In the book, "Orbiting the Giant Hairball" author Gordon Mackenzie talks about visiting elementary schools and asking children if they considered themselves artists or artistic.  He relayed that when he asked Kindergarteners and First Graders 100% of the children would raise their hands in answer to his question.  When asking second graders the number started to gn does, and by third grade only a few children in the class would raise their hands. 
 
Open ended art projects help build children's self confidence in how they express themselves.  It is sad that children "outgrow" being artists.  We can encourage our children at home and at school by providing creative learning times with no specific end goal in mind.  The process becomes the goal rather than the end result.
 
Children in one of our classrooms have had the opportunity to use trucks to make paintings.  Driving their toy trucks through the paint and then onto the paper, children were able to see the prints made from the tires and see what happens when the trucks run off the page and we may never know all of the things that this activity helped the individual children to discover.  The pictures may not have looked like much when they were through, but the children enjoyed the process.
 
Another classroom frequently sets up easels with paint and brushes.  Children are encouraged to paint whatever they would like and then tell the teachers about their pictures.  Children may paint everything with green and then tell you that the picture is a rainbow with clouds and birds.  Sometimes it is difficult to know how to respond to a child that enthusiastically points to their picture and says, "See what I made?"  When we look, we see a sea of green and are left to figure out what to say that will encourage and support the child's creative development.
 
When your child brings home a picture and you are not sure what to make of it, notice the process the child used to make the picture.  Perhaps you will see unique brush strokes through out the page, some wide and some narrow.  Ask your child, "How did you make those interesting wide and narrow marks on the page?"  Or "What colors did you use to make that part right there?"  Perhaps you see a big smile on a person, you can comment to your child, "This person looks happy, that makes me happy to."  Or "What is this person happy about, can you tell me?"
 
Asking your child to explain the process they used to make their picture will help them continue their learning process, developing their communication and problem solving skills, as well has building their self-confidence.  Over the next few months, in the Early Learning @ Home section of the Parent Page I will be sharing ideas for open ended art projects for you and your child to enjoy. 

Let's face it!  Parenting is one of the most demanding jobs in the world. It can be an exhausting and emotionally draining responsibility. It's easy to be so frustrated, mad, and discouraged that you wonder why you gave the nod to parenthood in the first place.

Then, the reverse is also true. It can be the most wonderful experience, one of those "other world" moments! You wonder how life could be any better as you cuddle with that "angelic being" who can do no wrong -and around whom your whole world revolves.
     
Let's also face the fact that parenting never stops. It's unrelenting.It's a 24/7 responsibility.  And, when the job begins, you are in for the long haul - at least 18 years or more. Probably more! Empty nest parents say parenting never ceases - one just learns to parent differently, and very, very carefully! And, sometimes, grown children return and stay and stay and stay.
     
Finding the best way(s) to parent can also be a challenge!  There's the advice from well meaning grandparents and "in-laws!"  How about the concerns of "auntie" who's an expert in child development? Or the clerk in the grocery store who commented, "Doesn't he ever run down?"  When these well-intentioned "hints" mix with the parent's own conscientious nature, it can produce a brittle, uptight, and insecure parent who's still wondering how to do it right.  We hear guidelines from the Positive Parenting experts, the Love and Logic folks, and even the Parenting Consultant at our childcare center! Lots of information out there!

So, how does a conscientious parent find "truth" about how to parent?  
A few tips may help:
1.      Relax and enjoy your child. Being a parent is about making a relationship with your child.   The connection you have with your child is unique. Celebrate together! Focus on what draws you to each other.
2.      Take care of yourself. What is it that will bring energy and balance to you? It's okay to pamper yourself now and again. Summer is coming!
3.      Select a few family values which are really important to you and let them guide you in day-to-day situations. Yes, you may do some homework on parenting ideas, but keep a simple focus, even when those "hints" come your way.
4.      Give yourself some credit: parenting is a big responsibility! When you make mistakes, there's always tomorrow.  Children are very forgiving and resilient.  It's the relationship that's important. Children will respond to the genuine love, even an apology, of a parent.
5.      Believe in yourself.  You know your child. You may learn new things, but trust yourself in your quest to be a loving, responsive parent.

Parenting is a complicated experience. Being honest with yourself about your family is a simple beginning for a lifetime.