What Matters Most... The Soul of Parenting (Mar '10)
By Jan Pendergrass, Pastor for Children and Families at First Free Methodist
 
The classic question people young and old ask about God goes something like this, "Why does God allow evil in the world?" I could hardly believe it when I found myself in that discussion again with my high school senior. He's taking classes at the local community college and this quarter includes a logic class, so almost everything is framed in an argument. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Kids have so many questions about God! Recently Pastor Jason (and NQACC parent) sent me the link to a YouTube video that cracked us all up in the office. It's a scripted conversation between a couple of kids and a vicar (priest) from a BBC television show with really incredible acting from the kids in particular, and hilariously baffled reactions from a minister who can hardly get a word in edgewise. When he finally loses his patience and gives somewhat of a sarcastic answer about Jesus "zapping a polar bear," chaos breaks loose! Search YouTube with the title, "Awkward Questions about Jesus" to view the clip.  
            There are no easy answers for questions like, "Why would God allow Jesus to die?" or "Why did my pet die?" or "Why would God allow so many people in Haiti to die?" I believe parents (and vicars or ministers!) shouldn't dismiss these questions with glib answers ("Because He's God!"), nor should they placate with platitudes, attempting to come off as if they know it all! Sometimes our honest answer of, "I'm not sure," is enough. But I would always include the empathetic, "I'm with you on that one," statement along with some assuring words such as, "But we know God loves us and is always with us."
            When my boys were younger and asked about why there was evil in the world, it helped us all to think about how God allows us to make choices because he didn't want to make us robots. Robots have no choices and obey without thinking. God gives us the ability to respond, and that makes our ability to do right, and to love, something that's real and valuable-and genuine. I hope the robot image helps you to process this important concept with your kids. And I hope with me you'll allow yourself to be ok with not having it all figured out, either. As Rilke said, it's ok to live in the questions-but the one thing we never have to question comes from Joshua 1:9- Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. 

Does your child "tweet?"
"Tweet?" you ask. "What does that mean?"
In the IT world, it's popular to share and blast out one's opinions and reactions. Being on twitter is big!
So, why can't a modern, sophisticated child "tweet," also? What's to keep a child from blasting out strong opinions and feelings -whenever, wherever? Any problem with a child's expressing reactions ("tweets") to your words, the family's rules, and your requests?
What percent is positive, what percent is negative? What would the tweet chart look like on CNN? Think about it. What kind of "tweeting" generally comes your way -and when? Does your child's "tweeting" affect the outcome of a situation? Where is your "tipping point?"

In her book, The Top Ten Preschool Parenting Problems, child development expert Roslyn Duffy, gives guidance on the following ten issues: (Maybe we could call them  "tweeting" situations.)
Whining; Not listening; Meltdowns; Negotiation and Manipulation; Morning Hassles, Mealtime Mischief, Bedtime Blues; Sibling Fights; Clean Up and Chores; Bathroom Battles; Hurting Behaviors, and Bad Language.
If a sophisticated child from the twitter generation used too many of these techniques, a parent could easily feel victimized and yell, "Save me!"

When I was a child, disobedience and backtalk was a definite "no-no." The parents' words reigned supreme.  No "tweeting" allowed!
 
When my children were growing up, allowing for feelings was big! Ever heard of the "I'm okay, You're okay" days?  Children could express discontent, feeling-wise, but, ultimately, the child was expected to get in-step with the parents' agenda, without too much hassle. A few feeling "tweets," but that was the end
 
Today many parents are interested in getting input from their children and are willing to take the time to discuss a situation; however, the strong opinions that young children present are frequently different from the parent's agenda. How does the parent genuinely consider the reactions which are legitimate and sort through ones in which the child is "just playin'" with the parent?
 
Laura Davis and Janis Keyser, in their book, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be,
include some reasons for a child's difficult behavior by citing the work of child development theorist James Hymes:
           "There are four sources of difficult behavior: developmental, unmet
            emotional needs, lousy local conditions, and "hasn't been taught yet."
Let's unpack some of those negative "tweeting" theories or Hymes' sources:
                                             
                                                       Development
Children go through predictable stages in which they participate in various learning tasks which promote healthy growth. The development is uneven, not following an orderly progression.  A toddler's saying, "NO," can be very irritating to a parent, but it is one way a toddler establishes autonomy.  If the negative "tweets" are developmental, one can redirect the behavior or wait it out, realizing that the child will soon outgrow it. Or, for an older child, teach appropriate skills, a little at a time.
 
                                                       Unmet Needs
This "tweet" refers to behaviors which are calls for help - that is, reactions from a child during a time of stress or change: moving, starting a new child care, a new baby, a death in the family, abuse, serious illness, etc. It's important for the parent to enwrap the child emotionally through listening, rituals, talking about feelings, and general extra attention and care. Many times these special needs are temporary.
 
                                                 Lousy Local Conditions
Situations which push the capabilities of a young child to the extreme set the stage for this kind of "tweeting." Some settings are ones in which the parent has little control, such as a Christmas celebration at a friend's fancy house. Too much temptation there for little hands! Or, quiet places like weddings.  Or, shopping, with too many tempting toys and too many errand stops. Times like these set a child up for negative tweeting and misbehavior. Learning from the past, preparing for the discontent, or altering the circumstances can help weather difficult scenarios.
 
                                        The Child Hasn't Been Taught Yet
Young children have a lot to learn in five years. Sometimes it's not all caught! Maybe there are inadvertent gaps in what's been assimilated.  Although a five-year-old child may have experience playing with other children, the fine elements of friendship still need to be taught to them.  Davis and Keyser suggest: "A child 'who hasn't been taught yet' can be taught by being given positive limits, information, and redirection." Being sensitive to the gaps is the challenge for parents.
 
Hymes does suggest that some behavior categories can be interrelated. Through careful observation and trying out different responses, usually the behavior source (or the exact tweet!) will become clear.
 
So, is your child giving you feedback? What kind of "tweets" are coming your way?
Be sure to stay alert and make sure you hunt for a good connection! It's worth it!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone by J.K. Rawling.  No, I'm not recommending you read this book to your pre-school age child, nor am I going to tell you things you already know about this book, or things you don't know.  I'm only going to tell you that I am reading this book when I never intended to read it (or see the movie) and why.  The reason I am reading the Harry Potter books is that my grandson Michael (almost 9 years old) is reading them and is very excited about the series, and he asked me to.
 
First I can't believe that he moved so quickly from my reading him Dr.Seus books to his reading Harry Potter on his own. He's in the third grade!  Even if he is a good reader, I don't think he is beyond the age of our reading to him.  But reading Harry Potter on my own is another way of sharing it with him.  Sharing a book is like sharing a special life experience with a child.
 
I have vivid memories of reading Nancy Drew books as a girl.  My sister and I would sprawl on the floor in front of the fireplace and read them one after the other.  But the other part of that memory was my mother sitting on the couch, engrossed in them as well.  These books were ones she had owned as a young person, read and saved for us, Then we read them "together."
 
As children grow and go to school, and have their own friends and activities that you can't always be part of, you can be part of their lives by reading their books.  You can find a point of intimacy with them by saying things like, "does this remind you of when Harry Potter...."

 

1)  Tuition Express - will soon be available on a "point of sale" basis.  This is a convenience to those who normally pay by check but want to use a different account, or forgot their checkbook, etc. Unlike Tuition Express for regular users it is not an automatic recurring monthly payment, nor does it require an application or approval process.  It is an immediate, one time charge to your account, and either a credit or debit card may be used.  Like Tuition Express for regular users, no credit card information is kept in the center.  Tuition Express has been a very effective program for both administration and parents.  At this time more than half our families pay with Tuition Express.  If you have any questions regarding Tuition Express/point of sale, or Tuition Express/automatic monthly payments, please contact Sandy.   - With this new system we can now accept Visa, Mastercard, and Discover Card.
 
2)  Checking your child in and out - This month we are going to ask that you use the old method of signing in and out on paper, until we contact you with your electronic sign in information.  We will start at the beginning of the alphabet and work our way to the end of the month.  Once you have recieved the information on how to electronically sign in and out - you can stop using the paper and pen method.   We will keep the mail boxes  - as a way of communicating other information with you.  It will be important that you check your "old" sign in and out box a couple times a week.  You can still use this as a method of communicating with other parents and picking up the paper copy of your monthly statement.

 

3)  Biometric Sign In - Our new time clock came with an extra feature of a biometric fingerprint sign in and out device.  As we give you information about how you can begin to sign in electronically - you will also recieve information on how to use the fingerprint system.  The biometric sign in and out system will be for primary pick up persons only.  The family members and friends you have authorized to pick up your child will be required to show ID and use the electronic sign in and out device.

 

We appreciate your patience and understanding as we transistion to this new system.  If you have any questions or concerns, please call or e-mail royale@nqacc.org

 

(Please remember - that we ask you not to use the doors on the second floor that exit onto Dravus Street).