May 2009 Parent Page

Teaching Friendship circle of friends

by MaryAnn Abbott, Parent Educator,
North Seattle Community College

Teaching about friendship... that's what parents and teachers do every day. Here's a brief summary:
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Untangling a war of words. Teaching children to listen to each other. Helping children to think before acting. Pulling children apart who are shoving and pushing each other. Unpacking the emotions. Modeling how to reconnect. Watching children hug each other so tightly that tears erupt. Understanding who did what and when. Building community in the family or the classroom. Teaching the positive actions and words of friendship. Making sense of the complicated world of young children and relationships!
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Unscrambling the relationships of young children with each other can be a daunting task! It may look simple on the surface, but usually there are some raw emotions, tears, and blatant non-cooperation.

What do young children really understand about friendship and how early do they know it? That's a question parents and teachers grapple with every day.

Friendship is complicated - from the tiniest child to the most sophisticated adult. Children are not born into this world with intact friendship skills. It takes a lot of observation, practice, and understanding by the child to find his place in the world of friendships.

Infant and Toddlers
For infants, a friendship connection can start simply with a game of peek-a-boo. Then, there's the 15 month-old toddler who becomes fascinated with another toddler's curly hair, gently touches it, and suddenly PULLS HARD! That is also a friendship connection!

And, consider two 2 year-olds playing side-by-side with several trucks. Suddenly one child grabs a truck from the other child's hand; both children struggle, and a squabble ensues over that truck. This, too, is a friendship connection.

Preschoolers
Observing older children (ages 3-4), we see children happily playing "house" with each other. An argument erupts as to which child will be the "dog." A powerful phrase emerges as the conflict continues: "If you don't let me be the dog, you're not my friend any more!" (A brief pause.) Then, a power-laden threat: "And, you can't come to my birthday party!" This is definitely a friendship connection with a powerful revenge twist!

Toward a child's fifth year, one finds small huddles of playmates; when another child attempts to join the playing, the children blatantly shout: "We're not playing with you!" Later, one might hear: "If you do this for me, I'll be your friend."   All of these words are a friendship connection, even though it sounds like a bribe and manipulation. It's practice, and children need practice of being a friend, just as much as nutritious food, good sleep, and exercise.

In the "highly civilized" world of adults, we may hear something quite similar but delivered in polite, sophisticated tones: "If you invite him to the party, I don't think I'll be able to make it." or "I'm not really comfortable with her style." or "We really do not see eye-to-eye." or "We've learned to keep our distance." Some adult interactions may not be as pleasant and include blunt, colorful language.

Human beings, no matter the age, have a lot in common as they strive to make connections with each other. The popular Shel Silverstein's poem describes early friendship this way:
             I've discovered a way to stay friends forever -
             There's really nothing to it.
             I simply tell you what to do
             And you do it!

Early friendships require support from adults to be successful; the adult provides guidance to the child of what is safe, fair, and positive. In the latter preschool years, however, children need to be given the power to discover solutions for their conflicts and deal with the intense feelings from other children. In daily play, children learn fairness, sharing, taking turns, following the rules, negotiating, compromising, and cooperating.

Friendship skills need the teaching, and, when children are taught skills for getting along, they learn to "read" a situation and apply the skills which attract friends and maintain connections. These techniques are beginning skills in unpacking the mystery of relationships.