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Can love last? And if not, can it be reinvented?
Greetings!
Jim and Samantha had never married but they had shared a home for over ten years. When they first met, they never ran out of things to talk about. Just the sound of each other's voices would often light a romantic fire it seemed could never die. And now, after only a decade together, they didn't have much to say to each other. They were spending more and more time hanging out with their respective friends and coming home later and later. When in bed together, they would text friends and ignore each other. This was not how they envisioned sharing their lives but it seemed they were too busy to share much besides the household chores and the bills. It was beginning to feel like they were just roommates. What happened to that fire that could never die?
Do you relate to this story? My clients bring me heartbreaking stories like this every week. They are usually at their wits end, depressed, confused, angry and sad. They still love their partner and want to find a way to make it work but so far nothing they have tried has worked. Wisely, they decide to ask a professional for a fresh perspective instead of simply enduring the unacceptable or terminating the relationship.
Couples who are willing to learn new habits and embrace change have the highest success rate. Affixing blame, defending one's behavior and attempting to change and/or control one's partner is the pattern which is least likely to result in a positive outcome.
Simple does not translate to easy, mind you. So while the steps I outline below are simple, they are anything but easy to implement. So much cultural and familial training and habituation have shaped the way we relate to others, it really is only with professional guidance that you can expect these steps to transform you relationship in a meaningful way. Be sure to enlist the assistance of a coach or therapist so that your relationship realizes measurable progress.
Here then, are the Seven Simple (NOT Easy!) Steps to Save Your Relationship:
1. Sweat the Small Stuff: Couples often suppress their true feelings and this is one very effective way to kill your relationship and your sex life. Sure you can avoid conflict this way for a few years, but after a decade of being less than honest about your true feelings, you will be numb and wonder what happened to the spark between you. The key is to stop complaining about your partner's behavior and start communicating your feelings.
2. Balance your Criticisms with Appreciations: Couples who spend more time appreciating each other than criticizing each other are more likely to stay together according to marital expert, Dr. Gottman. (www.gottman.com) Keep track of how often you say something critical of your partner, and yes, "helpful" advice can be a form of criticism. Notice how often you praise and complement your partner. Replace the negative with the positive and watch how much warmer things will become at home.
3. Use Sensate Focus to Get Out of Sexual Ruts: Developed by Masters and Johnson in the 70's, Sensate Focus is used to reset your libido and your sexual response. Rather than reinforce the sexual habits you and your partner have no doubt fallen into, Sensate Focus invites you to reconnect with sex in a fresh new way. The result for many couples is that they feel like teenagers again, titillated and excited by every little hug, glance, kiss, squeeze and cuddle.
Read more . . .
Also, be sure to check out this short video which asks (and answers) the question, is it natural for the feeling of being in love to wear off over time?
I use a very successful combination of education and role playing to increase connection and compassion. Email me or text 415.407.2932 to learn more.
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Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM