Freedom Fighters

Erotic Evolution

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How to Distinguish Sex Addiction from Sexual Shame

Tiger Woods' sex addiction is big news but is he really a sex addict? I have a few things to say about that. If you want to hear my rant, read my blog and a short article on Happy Her.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A SEX ADDICT OR SIMPLY SUFFERING FROM SEXUAL SHAME

SEVEN SYMPTOMS OF SEXUAL SHAME:

1. You are afraid others will find out
2. Your wife or husband is threatening to leave you
3. Your church and/or religious leader (pastor, priest, rabbi, chaplain, etc.) disapproves
4. Your behavior is against the law

5. You feel guilty
6. You worry you are a sex addict
7. You feel worthless and/or bad and/or defective

Allow me to explain this list in further detail:

1. If we are afraid of what others think about our sexual identity or our sexual behavior, it can indicate some level of sexual shame. While many of our fears may simply be a reaction to the possibility of public ridicule, personal abandonment, and even loss of income, fear is still one indicator of shame and should be explored further to find out if sexual shame is present.

2. I refer to "husbands and wives" because society enforces these relationships with shame. There does not exist the same level of shame in more alternative arrangements and the words "significant other" or "life partner" don't usually evoke the same level of sexual shame because the resulting relationships already contain a certain level of freedom. One's partner may not approve of one's behavior but the pressure to conform to societal standards is greatest when the relationship is one of marriage.

3. Many people weighed down by sexual shame belong to a religious organization and seek counsel with their congregation leaders. Those interactions perpetuate sexual shame in many if not most cases because most religion is based upon sexual shame as well as other forms of shame. True, some individuals are too shame based to speak about their fears to anyone let alone a priest, preacher or rabbi. But this refers to those who have received shaming messages from their church leaders.

4. I could have listed prostitution, sodomy including anal sex with a same sex partner as well as oral sex with any gender and a few other sexual behaviors which are currently illegal in some states or some countries but laws are in flux and vary by location. The point is to simply state that a sexual behavior which is illegal is not by virtue of being illegal a behavior which "proves" its practitioner is a sex addict.

5. When people feel guilty, they can and often do refer to those guilt feelings as "proof" that they must be doing something "wrong." I have worked with many people who suffer from sexual shame and guilt is always a dominant emotion in that case. Certainly some guilty emotions can be helpful but those guides to conscience must be sorted from the far more prevalent feelings of guilt which travel with shame.

6. It is now quite popular to label anyone whose sexual behavior deviates from the norm a "sex addict." And more than a few people worry that they are sex addicts simply because they engage in sexual behaviors which deviate from the norm. Simply worrying that you may be a sex addict is no indication that you are a sex addict. You may be but your fears are not of themselves proof of addiction.

7. The dictionary definition of shame is: "A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace." However, feelings of guilt can indicate a conscience too. In therapeutic and recovery parlance, shame usually denotes feelings about one's self-worth rather than one's behavior. Feeling "worthless, bad or defective" is not the same as feeling guilty about something one has done. Guilt can sometimes function to guide us morally whereas shame almost always erodes our self-esteem.

SEVEN SYMPTOMS OF SEX ADDICTION:

1. You would like to enjoy more intimacy but you can't get off unless you do your "ritual"
2. You spend so much time having sex and/or masturbating and/or viewing online porn that you don't have time for other things in life
3. Your sexual interests and behaviors are costing you more money than you can afford
4. Your sexual obsessions have caused you to lose one or more jobs
5. Your sexual obsessions dominate your thoughts so you can't think of much else
6. You don't enjoy what you are doing anymore but you can't stop
7. You can't stop

If you think you are suffering from either Sex Addiction or Sexual Shame, send me an email or give me a call at 888.903.0050. I work with clients from Seattle to Miami and from London, UK to Berlin, Germany. I love my work and I am fairly certain you will love what I can do for you.