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The Development of Friendship
Friendship is often talked about as if all friendships are alike, especially when we are talking about autism. The reality is that the relationship between two, four year olds is very different than the relationship between two sixteen year olds. Relationships grow more and more sophisticated from pre-school through adolescence.
It is critical for parents as well as professionals who are acting as therapists or writing "friendship" goals, understand the developmental, progressive nature of friendship. It will likely not be appropriate to expect a 16 year old with ASD to be able to engage in an age appropriate friendship with someone of a similar age.
This article will walk you through six developmental stages of friendship and highlight the importance and addressing the deficits in each stage before expecting age appropriate social relationships with children and adolescents with ASD.
The first and very critical stage that must be in place prior to engaging in successful peer interactions happens with trusted adults. Think of it as a pre-friendship level. Children prior to 3 years of age are only interested in peers for very brief interactions. In this stage, trusted adults act as the child's primary social partner and prepare the child for the very dynamic and uncertain relationship with peers. This stage is otherwise referred to as the intersubjective relationship between parent and child.
Children in the second level of friendship are seeking equal partners who share their interest in activity choice and show enthusiasm to play with them. This stage is often characterized by peers showing the ability and willingness to share, cooperate and help. They have not reached the point where they are collaborating to problem solve. They are not yet very mindful about how the other person is feeling or what they are thinking.
How does this apply to individuals with ASD? In working with teens, this issues arises a lot. Children and teens that are in stage 2 will often talk about friends in the following ways;
- they are my friends because they are in my class
- they are my friends because they are nice to me
- he is my friend because we play video games together
- she is my friend because she does what I want to do
These same children and teens likely do not know their said friend's varied interests, preferences, favorite food or where he or she went on vacation last.
In thinking about your child or teen with ASD, consider if they are ready for a stage 2 friendship before trying to teach them the skills to compensate for the developmental deficits. Teaching the skills and rules of friendship cannot impart the true value of having a friend.
In the third stage of friendship, partners become co-creators. They make up rules, games and assist one another in solving problems they encounter. It is also in this level that children not only notice when a friend is hurt or scared, they take an active role in trying to help. Children in this stage begin to notice and show less preference for partners who cheat, who are sore losers and who do not compromise.
The forth stage of friendship is yet more sophisticated. It is here where children are able to distinguish and value the thoughts and feelings of others as different from their own yet, important. They will adjust the way they are acting to be attractive to their peers. For any parents of neuro-typical pre-teens, you will easily recognize this stage in the child's need to have the clothes, ipods, phones and shoes that the other kids have.
How does this impact individuals with ASD? Children and adolescents that only engage in activities that they find interesting and do not value their peer's opinions and preferences, will be avoided. If a child or adolescent is unable to give input into solving a problem, which is a deficit in autism or is unable to compromise on how to modify rules to a game, they will be less desirable friends.
Think about your friends in middle school and high school. You likely have sustained some of those friendships into adulthood. Relationships during the teenage years become complex and have much more to do with trust and empathy than similar interest and fun as they did in younger years.
A distinguishing factor of the fifth stage of friendship is the feeling among teens that their friends are their allies. The valued friend is understanding, loyal and trustworthy. Children in this stage are proficient at knowing when their friends internal emotional state does not match their actions. A friend knows when something is wrong even if they are told that everything is ok.
By later teenage years, friendship becomes intimate. This type of relationship extends into adulthood and is how we define friends throughout life. There is a strong bond of trust, respect and mutual concern. We know our friends fears, dreams, strengths, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. At this stage, we are able to evaluate different friendships and place different values on each. We value the relationship with the person with whom we can trust with a secret, will not judge us and will respect our emotions and feelings, even if they differ from their own.
Often times, individuals with ASD are taught social behaviors in social skills groups or through social stories. Many people think of social skills as specific behaviors such as, making eye contact, taking turns and asking polite questions. It is critical to begin looking at social competence instead of social skills. Skills such as learning what is "cool" to wear, appropriate hygiene, maintaining appropriate boundaries are important for an individual to be accepted. Obtaining social acceptance through social skills is not the same as forming and maintaining a reciprocal friendship or developing social competence.
It may seem like an impossible undertaking to teach a child with ASD to establish trust, empathy, and to appreciate other people's perspectives, but it is far from impossible. These children are very capable of making and keeping true friends. It is just something that does not come naturally due to the core deficits of autism. If you are teaching your child social skills alone, know that he or she is capable of more than that.
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