April 1, 2012
               Reporters: Numerous       Editors: None in Sight        Photographer: The real Ansel Lite                      President:  Alex (not for long) Arnold          

  

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

Tell us how you really feel, Mark

The person assigned to "TFTD" duty skipped town (once again), so frazzled Mark Roberts filled in (once again) with this timely, pithy thought: "Oh for goodness sakes, people, how hard can this be? The heck with all of you. Think up your own %#*@^ thought." Huzzahs and hosannas filled the room.

 

CAN A RESTRAINING ORDER BE FAR BEHIND?

 

As you may recall, Paul Fillinger has won the Cliff Dochterman Look-Alike Contest for the last six or seven years in a row. It turns out, however, that this is not an

2 mike m 1-2
This definitely ain't Mr. Dochterman

honorific enough honor for Paul, as he has been spotted attending and speaking at Rotary meetings around the Greater Bay Area posing as Moraga's most famous Past RI President. Since the resemblance is so uncanny, it is unlikely that Paul would have been caught had he not given himself away by never concluding by saying that he "had been speaking for about as long as you think I have."

 

 

EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT GETTING MORE WOMEN IN LAMORINDA SUNRISE, BUT PRESIDENT ALEX ARNOLD DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT

So long Brad

 

Welcome Alicia

In a bold move designed to make LSR more attractive to prospective women Members, Prez Alex announced today that we have traded Brad Davis to the Lafayette Noon Club for Alicia Cragholm and an Ambassadorial Scholar to be named later.

 

NEW THEME ANNOUNCED FOR THIS YEAR'S MOTORAMA

 

Krysten "Ms. Motorama" Laine announced that this year's Motorama will take a new and exciting direction this year. "Every other car show features really hot cars. All those Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Jaguars, Cords, Stutz Bearcats - it gets boring after a while."

 

Take a bow Krysten

The solution: The Coucours d'Crap. Krysten has put out a call for Yugos, rusted-out Corvairs, Chevy Vegas (the aluminum head doesn't have to warped beyond use, but it helps), AMC Pacers, Renault Le Cars, Edsels and pretty much any Fiat. If it has a bad reputation, Krysten wants it, the nastier the better. "Rene and I go to car show after car show after car show," said Krysten. "We get so tired of seeing Shelby Cobras, Porsches, Rolls-Royces. I mean, they've all been done to death. No one has done a show like this, and it could really put Lamorinda Sunrise on the map" Krysten also has a line on what she hopes will be the star of the show - the very first Mary Kay cosmetics pink Buick ever produced.

 

CLASSY HOME TEAM

 

Not so fast you guys

The HOME Team has finally gone too far and will have to answer to the legal system.

 

A class action suit has been filed on behalf of all senior citizens who have engaged, or are likely to engage the services of HOME Team. Just a few of the many causes of action are:

 

            A systematic pattern of elder abuse

            Property abuse

            Noise pollution - mechanical

            Noise pollution - manual

            Noise pollution - vocal

            Paint pollution

            Electrical endangerment

            Solicitation of business

 

shearer 5-1
This is no joke!

Plaintiffs' attorney Richard "Shear 'em" Shearer, while previously professing to be a neutral mediator, suddenly and underhandedly brought this action and says he will vigorously pursue it to the death of somebody.

 

These guys really make me nervous

Defense attorney Jack "Skip 'em" McCowan is debating whether to take this one on, because the availability of insurance defense is not altogether clear.He seems not altogether reassured by the contracting firm of Hays & Joe, saying that they're good for the fees.

 

George Chaffey is trying to figure out whether the 4-Way Test is being complied with by everyone involved.

 

WE NEED YOUR HELP

 

The Lamorindan is looking for reporters. Not just any reporters, mind you, but reporters who work for free, aren't too persnickety about accuracy and don't mind being completely ignored by the LSR reading public. Current Editor-in-Chief Ron Brown commented: "Frankly, I'm tired of dealing with the prima donnas on the current reporting staff. For one thing, too many of them went to law school. I've fired the whole bunch because I just couldn't take it any more." (Since they're all publicity hounds their pictures will not appear here today.)

 

So if you or someone you know has a 4th grade education and knows how to use the spell-check function on Microsoft Word, let Ron know.

 

TURNING THE TABLES ON EXPOSE YOURSELF

 ware designs

"Closed" sign in Ware Designs store invites closer look

 

One of our fellow members, who has requested not being named for fear of possible reprisal, tells us he went to Steve Ware's establishment last Tuesday - a business day -- only to find a sign in the window that read "Sorry, closed indefinitely. Family matter. If you need immediate jewelry-related service, we recommend Tran Jewelers on Happy Valley Road behind Wells Fargo."

 

2 mike m 1-2Said would-be patron was at once "concerned and peeved," to quote him verbatim. Concerned for obvious reason - "where the heck is Steve and exactly what are the circumstances?" - and peeved because he'd gone to considerable effort to take advantage of Steve's generous standing offer (which sets him apart from run-of-the-mill so-called rock purveyors) of FREE RING CLEANING.

 

Speaking with Lamorindan editors, Mr. X explained that he had gone to "considerable trouble and expense" to remove the tub from the master bath in his house, hoping that Steve would be so kind as to remove the offending "ring."

 

Steve shows off patented ring cleaning tool

"It was sitting in the bed of my pickup," Mr. X continued. "What do I do with it NOW? Take it to Tran's? I seriously doubt that they will remove the ring as a favor to Steve. See if I ever buy another CK lookalike stone from him! It will cost me a small fortune to have it reinstalled and the GD ring will still be there."

 

As for the window sign, Lamorindan's award-winning team of investigative reporters, it turns out, uncovered a humdinger of a story. Because of space limitations here, we can only convey the following highlights. To obtain a full transcript, you need to file a Freedom of Information request with federal authorities.

 

First, we called Steve's wife Laurie (whom he lovingly refers to as "The Incumbent") in an attempt to learn the details. Here's the gist of the hour long conversation:

 

Laurie, is Steve ill? We are very concerned. Is he OK? What's the story?

 

Actually, it was I who composed and posted the sign. Steve was, shall we say, "unavailable" to do so himself.

 

Then what's going on? Please understand, Laurie, we don't want to pry. It's that as fellow caring Rotarians, we are very concerned about his well-being. Is there anything we can do to help?

 

I wish I could answer yes, but I'm afraid it's impossible to lend a hand. You see, Steve is - how to put it - temporarily indisposed.

 

Indisposed? How so?

 

Well, he was recently surprised - no warning whatsoever - by a couple of husky, stern-looking men who entered the store one morning. Steve told me he thought nothing of it until he saw the word AGENT - in huge yellow letters - written on the backs of their windbreakers.

 

Agent? What?

 

More like WTF! Looking about to make sure no customers were present, showing credentials, they introduced themselves as "representatives from the federal bureau of immigration services." At first Steve thought it was a prank of some sort, saying to them, "Ya, ya. And I'm the tooth fairy."

 

Then what?

 

He asked, querulously, "What's the deal? What's going on? This a joke? I have work to do." According to Steve, they replied - I'm paraphrasing here - "We have it on good authority, Mr. Ware, that you have been involved in the unlawful trafficking of foreigners under the age of 21. There is nothing wrong with that per se, but the real issue here is you are believed to have been falsifying visas and passports, claiming that you were acting on behalf of Rotary International, in order to acquire cheap labor for your business."

 

They took Steve away and they didn't say where. All they said was that he had been recited his Miranda rights and that he was being renditioned. Does this mean he is in the slammer?

 

Possibly, but don't jump to conclusions. They didn't mention the word Gitmo, did they?

 

No, something about a "camp for American-citizen detainees in Area 51." Where is that?

 

That would be in Roswell, New Mexico. Top-secret area maintained by the U.S. government. Made the news years back when space aliens supposedly landed there. Doesn't sound good.

 

Makes no sense. Steve is no alien, although I must admit, sometimes he is spacy.

 

So what exactly are the charges? What is he accused of? They can't come in and just haul someone away no matter how spacy he may be.

 

They read Steve the riot act, accused him of bringing Rotary teenage foreigners into the U.S. - "ostensibly as exchange students who would be attending high-school here," as the legal document read. They said Steve was "furtively" making them perform menial labor in the store for below-minimum wage. They used the term "sweatshop." Sweatshop?! I beg your pardon. It's fully air-conditioned. That's the government for you, never get the facts straight.

 

Sounds highly conjectural on your part. We need to bear in mind that Steve is innocent till proved guilty in a court of law. Did they say perhaps anything about a court date?

 

Yes. They said they he would be appearing in a "court of law" in the near future and that, if necessary, he is entitled to a court-appointed defense lawyer. As you can imagine, this is putting a terrible stain on our marriage. I don't want to throw him overboard just yet, but there reaches a point when the adage "stand by your man" doesn't apply.

 

We'll pass the hat amongst members, asking them to contribute to a "Save Steve" defense fund.

 

Thank you, thank you. You Rotary guys are The Best. One for all, all for one. Please ask Ernie to make the check payable to "Laurie Ware?" I promise that most of it will go to help Steve, but I need to hold some in reserve for the psychotherapy bills that are already coming due. God bless!

 

Keep us apprised of developments, Laurie. We're all foursquare behind Steve. Do you want us to keep mum about this to the Club?

 

Sweet of you to ask, but the word is already getting around town. I mean, people are asking why I'm in the store, trying to make custom jewelry. Do you know how difficult this is? Say what you will, Steve is a pretty talented craftsman.

 

Maybe you can find some cheap immigrant labor to help.

Editor's note to Laurie: Apologies if you have been slightly misquoted.  

 

TODAY'S PROGRAM __________________

 

buddy 3-6
Okay Buddy, tap dance your way out of this one

Well, we can't fill in the blank because there was no program. In fact, no programs are scheduled for the next 10 years, despite the suave efforts of the aforementioned Buddy, our Program Chair. The word unfortunately has gotten around the speaker circuit that:

 

  1. An inordinate number of speakers have come down with colds here.
  2. The place is technologically challenged, some members muttering "Curse."
  3. Just as speakers and crowds are getting into it, an obnoxious buzzer goes off. Apparently to tell everyone it's 8 am. This is much too early a warning to the speaker that his time is almost up.
  4. The crowd is more obnoxious than the buzzer.

 

No speaker will volunteer for Expose Yourself again after they've read the above "rendition." There can only be so many club assemblies talking about attracting new members. And besides, it's too cold for any of that.

 

Mr. Burke was heard saying he'll be flying back to Georgia. If he's flying the plane, the fares will be cheap!

 

BREAKING NEWS

 

CLUB LEADERSHIP REVOLTING...IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

 

Now, this is the real Alex

This just in! President Alex, in a fit of pique, fired the entire Board of Directors for gross insubordination. They refused to forgive him for failure to learn that the Raffle always comes before the Program. They didn't like the way he parts his hair (singular), they can't stand his upbeat attitude and constant smile even though they know his heart is breaking. So Alex said "enough!! You guys are out of here."

 

Not taking this laying down, Presidential Advisor John Fazel, Board Treasurer Ernie Furtado and Secretary Chuck Yeager led a successful coup, thus ousting Alex.

 

The announcement was welcomed with a standing ovation by the handful of members attending the last meeting. There ensued a major discussion as to how to be acquired by some other organization that isn't trying to raise money every other week and doesn't demand tribute from members for every trivial birthday, anniversary or other similar transgression (disguised as celebrations). Buddy Burke suggested the Tea Party as the way to go.

 

It's reported that John, Ernie and Chuck stalked out of the meeting, having obviously been rebuffed in their audacious power grab effort. It's probably just as well. They never could have agreed on which one would be the new leader. Let anarchy flourish!

 

FINAL BREAKING NEWS

 

Ignore everything else you've read to this point! It is being announced, for the first and last time in this rag, that Ron Brown has landed a sensational new gig for his merry band of misfits. After a nationwide search, Ruppert Mudlock's emissaries have selected the Lamorinda Sunshine Newsletter Staff to immediately move to the UK to revive his once popular scandal sheet. In a direct quote from the Newsmax Top Dog "This crew most exemplifies the kind of unprofessional, muck-racking, skullduggery tactics which made our now defunct newspaper famous among discerning English readers. We know that the Sunshine Staff has been grossly under-appreciated, has long since worn out their welcome at the hapless Rotary Club and will welcome a fresh start, where their uncommonly negative, acerbic attitudes will be warmly embraced!" (It is a sentence like this that propelled us to victory!)   

Again, all pictures eliminated to protect the guilty. 

 

Brown stated that this is the final edition. For obvious reasons they are not leaving a forwarding address, nor do they wish to be contacted ever again.

 

CALENDAR

 

Forget it!

 

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