"A Story Of A Life"

   
  We've all seen the commercial where the frail lady of advanced age had fallen. Evidently while alone, in her bathroom and couldn't "get up."

   For years I related to her cry in a very personal way. I had fallen, on cocaine, and simply couldn't get up. No matter what I did, cried or promised, I could never do it alone. Not as long as I never humbled the stubborn, embarrassed and shamed self and asked for help.

   I grew up in a  middle class household in New York, the youngest of three children, the only boy. Mom suffered with severe mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia) and we all suffered with her, in our own way. For years I prayed to an impersonal "god" for the well being of my mother. Though emotional pain was a normal part of my life I went to college, then a trade school. Finally  working as a realtor and security consultant around the World Trade Center Complex. I also did some acting and successfully purchased real estate via "no money down."  I excelled at all I applied myself to, all but dealing with my inner self, the wounded child inside who never grew up.

   One night my best friend Steven Burton, was killed in a car accident in which I was to be the driver. But that night I changed plans at the last minute.  He was by the world's standards,  a hyperactive outcast whom everybody picked on as we grew up.  He was Jewish and from a wealthy family; I was a middle class Catholic. I felt for Steven and all the rejection he must have felt, the teasing at the hands of others. I had witnessed the same cruelty directed towards my mother. Kids and neighbors taunted and teased her no matter where she went. She felt rejection due to "appearance" and acting slightly different than the rest of us "normal" folks. I tried to let Steven and my mother know they were accepted and loved by me, even if no one else cared.

   Steven's grandfather called me at the real estate office the morning after the accident to let me know Steven was killed. Worse yet, due to the requirements of his Jewish heritage, Steven had already been buried. I felt responsible because I was supposed to have driven him that night, but I had let him down. I couldn't see him or pay my respects or go to the funeral It was as if my best friend had just vaporized off the face of the earth and in my mind, I was to blame.

    I took off work early to go tell some school friends, who knew both Steven and I, that he was gone. They didn't seem very interested, but they asked me for a ride into Manhattan to pick up a "little cocaine." I was oblivious, hurt and lonely. "Sure," I said as I rambled on about Steven. The  "little bit of cocaine" was in fact free base cocaine rocks - cocaine in smoke-able form now commonly known as "crack." They smoked in the car as I drove on. Offering me "a hit." It did ease my pain, as they said it would.

   Addiction was instantaneous as it was venom to my life. I went from a productive young man to a shell of my former self. Within weeks my problem was evident to all around me - though I elected to lie and deny. The momentary selfish pleasures of my addiction have now wrought years of misery and heartache - not to mention family and legal troubles at every turn.

   Pain, loss, hurt and rejection are real, and need to be dealt with constructively.  Not in ultimately destructive self- serving and self - medicating ways.

    It's not been very easy to write about "Bob" his problems and shame or to speak from my heart and share this story. It seems that when I'm not "being Bob," I have a false confidence- I can hide the real me.

   I was vulnerable and ashamed. Afraid someone may see me hurt, or see me falter, or cry. Previously I'd run and hide, use cocaine and slowly die.

   Now I've embraced a spiritual set of Christian values. It's been a journey of several years. In the process, I've let many people down, but mostly myself and my God. He is no longer an impersonal being but my Father, best friend, and guide. He has had mercy and goodness blessing me in ways I surely do not deserve. He has incredibly blessed me with two beautiful, precious children. Failing them in so many ways, I rest in God's assurance to restore those relationships. My love for them has taught me much about God's unconditional love for me.

   Facing each day's crisis of my own design, I have peace. I know all is okay.

     This story was sent to us by a gentleman currently incarcerated in the FL prison system, who has attended the Truth Seminars several times.

    Thank you for sending us to these men with seminars, music and teaching on thedynamics of Christian living.

In The Band

   Joining us in the band is Elisabet Garcia from Durant, Oklahoma. Ellie is 23 years old. She began singing at the age of 4 at her home church. In 1998 Ellie, her sister and cousin formed the singing group called Faith, Hope and Love. They traveled and ministered together for 9 years. Currently she is going to college and earning a bachelor's degree in Sociology, and learning to play the rhythm guitar. She is very excited to the join in ministry with the Yoder Family. "They are great people and it's an honor to be able to minister with them," says Ellie.

    Joining us in the office is Anita Troyer. Anita is 28 years old. She was born and raised in an  Amish family in Holmes County, Ohio. She is the second to youngest child in a family of seven. Anita has 3 brothers and 2 sisters and 1 half sister. 

    Anita went with us on our mission trip to Nicaragua in October. She is looking forward to going again this year.

    She moved to Paris, TX in January to work as our office manager. Although it was hard leaving her family behind she has grown to love living here in Paris ,TX.

    "I see this as a great opportunity to serve in whatever way that I can," says Anita.

   I have had a new concept of this word this year. The greatest challenge is to harness the emotions and not to panic. Change is not meant to be painful. But the human nature is to fall into a rut, [which is a grave with both ends knocked out].
   Ever since the dawn of time, men and women who have had a desire to stay in the will of God have been required to follow specific instructions. God detests us getting into a rhythm for then we quickly form a religion with Him nowhere in sight; all because we've always done it a certain way. From the Garden of Eden to the last chapter of Revelations God requires total obedience, all He wants is to be believed. Change for all things living is inevitable. Without a clear cut vision our lives can become total chaos. I see so many projects get started with passion but no plan and they last no-time. On the other hand a project with a well cut plan but no guts or passion turns into a burden.
    I have realized this year that change will come but it is our responsibility to stay close to the plan, to keep the end in mind, to re-adjust our position and not to panic. Panic is trying to take too big of a bite and in the middle of choking not being able to get enough air.
    We as a family and ministry have had to restructure our blueprint. Our final destination has never changed, just the tactics and methods have been re-focused. I can't start to thank you enough for your prayers this year as we have watched God bring creditable people into our lives. Integrating their talents, assignments, passions, theories, etc. has been a time for us crawl out of the rut.
     I have really looked close at the dynamics of understanding Gods leading. This loose and hap-hazard "just follow Gods Voice" that people have lovingly spoke into our lives, has been dissected and broke into pieces. All God wants is to be believed. Do we really believe that He will lead us if we ask?