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EARLYBIRD REGISTRATION
EXTENDED!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Eastside Foursquare Church
Bothell, WA
There's still time to register for Restoring Hearts while taking advantage of discounted earlybird registration fees! The earlybird deadline has been extended to Tuesday, March 2nd.
This one-day conference for women who have been impacted by their husband's sexual unfaithfulness - from pornography use to extramarital affairs provides a safe place where women can connect with one another and share and learn from others who are on similar journeys. Christian ministry leaders and Christian therapists will provide information, resources, support and encouragement.
Restoring Hearts will address frequently asked questions including:
- How do I respond to this devastating blow to my marriage?
- What should I tell my children, family and friends?
- How will I know if my husband is truly repentant?
- Will I ever be able to trust again?
- What about SEX?
- How do I rebuild after divorce?
- And, much more!
Regardless of where you are on your healing journey, plan to join us at Eastside Foursquare Church on March 6th for the 2nd Annual Restoring Hearts conference!
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THE JOURNEY
TO FREEDOM
By Rev. Patty Moreno
I have often wrestled with the seemingly slow nature of God's healing process as we journey through pain toward wholeness. In 2006 I faced one of my darkest seasons when my husband confessed to marital unfaithfulness. We were both pastors on staff at the time and both were required to resign from our positions within the church. The blackness of the days ahead were mixed with feelings of betrayal and emotions of great fear regarding the emotional survival of our family of six as well as the mounting financial challenges that existed with the dual loss of employment. Our denomination afforded us the privilege of entrance into a rehabilitation program which became a 3 year commitment of discovering the broken places that caused the initial breach and of repairing the foundations of our marriage and our lives individually. The days ahead were marked with many hours of deep pain and loneliness for both of us, and God's healing process was not a swift one. I would argue Peter's definition of 'a little while' when I would read passages like 1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
This past week, while enjoying the biblical account of God's deliverance of his people through Moses, I came across a profound passage within that story. It seemed to parallel God's working in my own life and in the lives of many dear women I've walked along side of who have also been required to walk through staggering circumstances resulting in pain and brokenness.
When Pharoah finally let the people go, God did not lead them on the road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest way from Egypt to the Promised Land. God said, "If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led them along a route through the wilderness toward the Red Sea. (Exodus 13:17-18a)
No one understands the human propensity to return to captivity better than our Creator. His promises for our life remain unchanged even though, from our perspective, everything in our life may appear to be beyond repair and outside of God's limits to heal! He commits himself to leading us on a journey into complete wholeness and effectiveness, but He doesn't choose a short and swift route to take us there. Our human nature causes us to run right back to the place of our deepest pain whenever new battles beat at our lives. When we encounter a circumstance that triggers a past hurt, we are inclined to run right back into the slavery of that painful circumstance. God wants to fully deliver us, however, from the cruel taskmaster of suffering. Therefore, He will take us on a long journey; a journey in which we will discover His limitless power to do the impossible in our behalf for our deliverance as when he split wide the Red Sea (Ex 14:29); a journey in which we will receive his daily, sustaining grace as when he fed the children of Israel day after day with Manna from heaven (Ex 15:4); a journey in which we will understand His genuine concern for the details of our life as when He did not permit either their clothes or their sandals to wear out (Deut 29:5); a journey in which we discover his gentle guidance and powerful protection as when the pillar of cloud and fire went before them to show them the way they were to go or positioned itself behind them to protect them from the enemy (Ex 14:19-20)....We will ultimately find ourselves on a journey of sweet fellowship with Him as He leads us into complete wholeness and the fulfillment of His promise for our lives regardless of our circumstances or the harm others might inflict on us. A swift journey would not allow us the opportunity to discover Him in the incredible ways that only time can provide as He desires to show himself strong in every detail of our lives.
Hosea 2:14-16 declares, "I will lead you into the desert and speak tenderly to you there.15 I will return your vineyards to you and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope... 16 When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'"
It might not be a swift path back to wholeness...but I'm convinced as I pray you will be, that we wouldn't want to forfeit the wondrous display of God's daily love that a shortcut toward healing would deny us of. My fellow traveler, may you embrace the priceless security of His presence on this journey towards wholeness.
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The First 7 Days
For WIVES
By Elaine Daugherty
Co-Founder, Be Broken Ministries
Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah Psalm 4:3-4
For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Anger and fear are powerful emotions. And they will come regularly during this process of healing you are on. Your anger will boil up inside you as you ponder the unfaithfulness and weakness of your husband and his addiction. You will be tempted to spew words of hatred and disgust toward him, feeling you cannot continue to hold these awful feelings inside any longer.
Fear will grip your heart in the middle of the night, just when you thought you were gaining a moment of peace and calm. It comes to you and whispers doubts of God's goodness and faithfulness to you. It yells at you to run, take the easy way out, do whatever you must to protect your own skin and leave your husband to rot in his sin.
The worst thing you can do with your anger and fear is to either ignore it or suppress it. But it is very important that as you acknowledge these powerful feelings that you do so in the context of emotional safety. Your husband is not emotionally safe, at least not yet. Hopefully, he is working a recovery program that is helping him break free from his pattern of addiction. But you need to process these emotions out in a safe place (i.e. your pastor's wife, a qualified counselor, a trusted friend, etc.). Do not let your anger and fear go unattended.
Anger is the seed of bitterness. God is ALWAYS for reconciliation and restoration - it is the entire message of His gospel! But anger plants the seed of eventual bitterness if left alone. Learn to deal with your anger quickly and within the safety of trusted caregivers.
Fear is the seed of apathy and cynicism. If left unto itself, fear will move you into isolation and disconnect you emotionally and spiritually from the support you so desperately need right now. When fear comes it is essential that you are reminded of the spirit of power, love, and sanity that God has given you. Process this emotion also in the safety of trusted friends.
This article was reprinted with permission by Be Broken Ministries and is one of several articles written by Elaine Daugherty in "The First 7 Days for Wives."
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ONE WOMAN'S
STORY
To Trust or Not to Trust
By Rose Colón
Director of Women's Counseling, Pure Life Ministries
I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard a heart-broken wife exclaim, "I thought I knew my husband! I just found out that he has been living a total lie our entire married life!" Their words always provoke a wave of empathy in me. These women know me only as a counselor, but 16 years ago I was in their shoes. I used to feel the same way they do after I first learned of my husband's sexual addiction. And I know that sooner or later these wives will also have to face the difficult issue of beginning to trust their husband again. They'll turn to me with pleading eyes and ask me, "Is it really safe to trust him? How can I know that he won't deceive me again?"
Their agonizing questions inevitably remind me of my own struggles after my husband Jeff completed the Pure Life Ministries Live-In program. Just because he had completed the program, I was not at all convinced that he was now worthy of my trust. I remember how vulnerable I felt and how, at times, I was very hesitant. I, too, wanted to know if it was really safe to trust him. Was it really safe to let go of the reins that I had held onto for so long?
Without a doubt, it is very difficult for a wife to know when she can begin trusting her husband again after sexual sin has devastated their marriage. As I worked through this issue years ago, the fruits that I saw manifested in Jeff's life were the key factor that helped me with trusting him again. I found biblical guidance on what to look for in I John 1:5-9:
This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
The answer to how a wife can know it is safe to trust her husband again is found in this passage. I would like to highlight three truths from this passage that the Lord used to let me know when it was safe to trust my husband again.
One of the ways God began to rebuild trust back into our marriage was to show me the truth of the phrase, "God is light and in Him is no darkness at all." My focus needed to be on God and who He is, not on what my husband may or may not do. The reality that God is light and that He would expose any darkness in my husband's life was a comfort to me as I journeyed out into these new uncharted waters. I knew I could go to God in prayer on behalf of my husband and trust that as I saw Jeff seek the Lord every day that He would be faithful to expose any darkness that needed to be brought to the surface in his life. This reality gave me a great sense of peace, especially when my husband felt God was leading him in a certain direction. I could trust God to expose wrong motives or desires of his heart and to bring correction when correction was needed in his life.
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Q&A
By Dave Brown, M.Div., L.I.S.W.
Question: What steps/action would you recommend to help prevent our sons from falling into sexual addiction?
Answer: This is an excellent question and I'll offer a multi-faceted response. First of all, remember that it is unhealed emotional pain and lack of attachment that so often leads people (whether younger or older) to "medicate with things that are illegal, immoral, or fattening." That is not meant to be humorous, but rather a poignant truth born out in the counseling experience of almost every therapist. Those reasons for medicating are noted in the best of both secular and Christian literature dealing with sexual addiction (see Patrick Carnes, Mark Laaser, Ted Roberts, Barbara Steffens, Dannah Gresh, and others).
While no family is perfect, healthier families seem to have strong values and firm but somewhat flexible boundaries. The solidity and impact of those values is greatly enhanced if both mother and father live with integrity. That quality is made more effective still if it's joined with parental ability to help their children feel "secure and significant" growing up. Kids usually acquire this internally through normal healthy attachment to their parents. This involves not only care for basic needs but also essentials such as "words of praise and affirmation", and "meaningful, appropriate touch." Parents who cultivate "active listening skills" that involve warmth, empathy, and respect help children/ teens know and feel cared for. (seeJohn Townsend's Boundaries with Teens, Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages for Children/Teens, and Dave Ping, Anne Clippard & Gary Sweeten's book, Listening for Heaven's Sake).
When children are moving through their elementary and middle school years (and high school) there must be ongoing age appropriate conversations from parents about sexuality and our culture. Temptations in both personal relationships and technology are plenty. That is of course where a genuine and growing Christian faith is of enormous help to both teens and adults. Part of that faith journey is to deeply understand that we need the love and support of family, friends and the church, and to live that out. Parents particularly, but perhaps also some coaches, teachers, and family friends with firm Christian faith, can also contribute to a child and teens equilibrium and armor in the battle for purity/integrity. One book that many have found helpful for teenage boys is Every Young Man's Battle, by Steve Arterburn. A dad and son, or a coach could use this helpful book. Rod Handley has a fine book called Character that Counts which I also highly recommend. One other component I'll mention at this point is the importance of having fun together as a family; of laughing together. It's so life-giving. In conclusion, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that grace and truth working together are crucial. We know that we're all susceptible to temptation and sin. We can overcome by God's grace through faith, confession and forgiveness, and in caring, equipping families and churches. If a child or adolescent does something disturbing such as look at pornography, use inappropriate language, or listen to music that parents disapprove, etc., remember that it's serious but not the end of the world. We need to model a gracious but firm encouragement toward God's "highest and best" taught in scripture while standing steadfastly with our children and friends in times of weakness and sin. Surely we remember how there have been tender times when others have stood with us. Thankfully, God is full of both truth and grace. |
 RECOMMENDED READING
Mending a Shattered Heart
A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts
By Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D. Gentle Path Press (2008)
You are not alone. Thousands of unsuspecting people wake up every day to discover their loved one, the one person that they are supposed to trust completely, has been living a life of lies and deceit because they suffer from a disease - a disease called sex addiction. Stefanie Carnes brings together several authors to guide the reader through an assortment of topics like How Do I Handle This? and What Do I Tell the Kids? |
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We'd love to hear your comments about the articles, stories and resources in each monthly Hope Connection newsletter. You can also provide hope, healing and encouragement to other women through your contributions to this newsletter by:
- Sharing your own story
- Suggesting things you have found to be helpful in your healing process
- Providing a review of a book or devotional you found to be encouraging
- Submitting relevant events and resources
To submit articles or comments, please call Brenda Hyer at (206) 686-3093 or email brenda@nationalcoalition.org.
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CONTACT US |
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Please submit questions, comments and/or articles for Hope Connection to:
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CONTRIBUTORS
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Rose Colón
Director of Women's Counseling
Elaine Daugherty
Co-Founder
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