You have been in denial, (often the reason why sex addicts can act out for so long without discovery).  Addicts are very convincing, and you believe the tall tales and far-fetched explanations, giving him the "benefit of the doubt."  Acknowledgement might possibly mean the end of your marriage, a pretty scary and overwhelming idea, especially if you have children.   Perhaps you came from a dysfunctional family where denial was ever-present in an attempt to maintain the image of a happy family.  You minimize pornography.  After all, "all men do it."  You tolerate behaviors that others would not.  You keep the peace, at all costs.  You don't listen to your "gut".  You make excuses for your partner and minimize his addictive behavior despite the hunch that something is amiss.

When you discover your partner's duplicitous behavior, you go into shock.  The facade of the secret life is exposed and reality and disillusionment set in.  You are preoccupied with your partner and his behavior. Then you are angry.  Very angry.  You want to hurt the betrayer, the deceiver.  You are hostile and self righteous.  You may even have an affair to 'pay him back' and get even.  You live in fear of the future and relapses.  You begin to look at the past and 're-run' it,  incorporating the knowledge of the addiction. And as you uncover the depth of the deceit, the past all of a sudden makes sense. You tolerate the drama and chaos. You try to pretend "all is well", and that if your partner would only......everything would be all right.  You expend your energy trying to fix him at the expense of your own self-care and sanity.  You become disabled by your partner's crazy-making behaviors. You try to rescue him, neglecting yourself.  You believe that if you sacrifice, loyalty and appreciation will be your partner's response.  You set boundaries, but fail to follow through.  You rescue:  taking over household and childcare responsibilities, supporting his working overtime, normalizing or overlooking acting out behaviors, expecting no financial responsibility, rescuing from the consequences, and caretaking behaviors.  If you are a conflict avoider, you may emotionally numb and avoid and fall into a kind of paralysis.  In an effort to be needed and valued, you settle for compromising yourself.  You may act against your own morals.  You may give up friends and hobbies.

The toll-free Confidential HelpLine responds to the needs of those who have been hurt by the impact of pornography. Callers include men and women who find themselves compulsively using pornography and friends, family members, professionals and pastors seeking information and consultation.