SECOND ANNUAL
Restoring Hearts Conference
Saturday
March 6, 2010
Eastside Foursquare Church, Bothell WA
Come together with women traveling on similar journeys who understand!
 We are pleased to announce our keynote speaker for the 2010 Restoring Hearts conference is Linda Cole, co-author of The Shadow Christian, a riveting inside look at a marriage shattered by pornography and restored by the power of God's grace. Linda, along with her husband, ministers to countless men, women and couples whose lives have been devastated by sexual addiction. Linda will share her personal story of having "been there" to having "made it through" to greater intimacy in her marriage.
Linda will also be joined by her husband, Al Cole, Executive Director of the National Coalition's Atlanta office and co-author of The Shadow Christian. Al will discuss what a truly repentant man looks like and he and Linda will answer questions from the audience. Nothing is off-limits!
Restoring Hearts will also offer 15 breakout workshops, led by Christian leaders and Christian therapists, aimed at providing hope, help and healing for women who may be facing the startling new revelation of their husband's struggle with sexual integrity as well as those who have been facing this issue long-term.
For more information, please visit www.nationalcoalition.org/seattle.asp
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SATISFIED
By Rev. Patty Moreno
I've always marveled at the many intimate ways God chooses to speak to us... in the most unlikely settings. Who would expect Him to speak in the crowded lobby of the Washington State Department of Licensing, waiting while my daughter was taking her licensing exam? I decided to use these agonizing minutes to spend some quiet time in the Word since I had rushed out the door for that early morning appointment. Within moments of reading, the truth became evident: When we open God's Word, He opens His mouth and speaks to us through it. I began reading Mark 8, which records the familiar passage where 4000 people were fed with a modest fare of 7 loaves of bread. It was the opening verses of that chapter that overwhelmed my own wounded heart that morning: I have compassion for these people. They have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance.
Two foundational truths drove to the desert places of my soul: First of all, Jesus had compassion on the people who had gathered to him. He didn't judge them. He didn't debate the reality of their situation with them. He simply loved them and allowed himself to feel their need. Secondly he knew that each one had come from unique and even distant places; therefore, He not only felt their need, He knew if he didn't provide for them, they would collapse before they ever reached their destination! Could the One who had compassion then, have compassion still? Could the one who provided for the empty places in each soul then, provide what is necessary for my life today so that I, too, could reach the destination He had in store for me? The answer was, and is today, an irrevocable and exuberant, "YES!" He is both willing and able!
I began to ponder the many ways (or in Mark chapter 4 language, ...the many distances) in which we often come to him: We often find ourselves at His feet broken, weary, empty, lonely, afraid, discouraged, and even angry. Sometimes we come so empty, we can muster no strength to face a new day. Our life feels like it's been hollowed out. The season we're walking through seems barren. After hitting the snooze button several times each morning, we begin to ask ourselves, riveting and honest questions, "Why am I even taking my head off this pillow this morning? What is this season all about? What is going on in my life? This is not what I signed up for! I had no idea I would ever be in this place in my life! There must be more!" Life has left us very unsatisfied and we're flat out hungry for something more. Although this place in life sounds rather dismal and undeniably overwhelming, it's actually a great launching point from which to come to our Father. This hunger that we feel is actually a sign of health. What is the first thing to go when we're sick? Our appetite! If I'm sick, I don't care what's on the menu for dinner. You might as well throw me an old shoe, because nothing is going to hit the spot when I'm sick. So the fact that we're walking through life hungry is actually a sign that life is still taking place somewhere in our soul. God replies to the hungry, "Open wide your mouth in my direction and I will fill it." (Psalm 81:10) He creates these places of longing in our souls to drive us to himself, to foster a deep and humble dependency on him.
I love the way Mark 8 continues the story of the feeding of the 4000: Verse 8 states, "They all ate and were satisfied" (NIV). Another version records it this way, "They all ate as much as they wanted!" (NLT). Today we are encouraged to come as we are, with our brokenness, our weariness, our hunger, our fears, our insecurities, our pain. He knows the place from which each one of us have come, and though I love the fact that nothing is too big for God, what daily brings me to my knees in worship of my Lord is that nothing in my life is too small or insignificant for Him either! All that concerns us, concerns Him too. He chose to speak to me that mundane morning, in the unlikely setting of the Department of Licensing. And he is waiting to speak to us today. Would you open your mouth in His direction and allow him to satisfy all that you need to face a brand new day?
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FORGIVENESS
By Brie Bergman, MA, LMHC, SOTP, CSAT
It is not uncommon for couples whose relationship has been impacted by a violating experience of betrayal to want closure and the accompanying sense of resolution that can come with having a shared experience of forgiveness. It is rarely something that either person in the relationship can force, take charge or control how, when, where or if it happens. It comes as a final step that one realizes has been taken only in retrospect. It shows itself as loving grace. It brings trust between two people who both want to help and not harm the other, even when one's behavior might seem contrary to this intent. When a transgression occurs, (and it will) the "violation" is not taken personally. Instead, it is held in grace and the experience embraced with mutual sadness for the ongoing struggles that accompany addiction.
This may be the greatest gift that strong sexual addiction and co-addiction recovery programs bring to a relationship. I often tell couples that the potential for profound intimacy seems even more available to couples who are walking the road of recovery together than to couples who have never been afflicted by the problem. The mandate for complete openness and honesty (no secrets), accountability for even the most subtle tendencies to manage information, or control another person's ability to freely function separately and autonomously, (well outside the will of the addict), are all conditions for becoming your best as an individual and as a couple.
Forgiveness may best be described as arriving at that place where you know, trust, and believe that your partner's behavior is not and never has been about you. Therefore, forgiveness is an outcome of you having embraced your own behavior; acknowledging that the journey that has brought you to be in this relationship has been no mistake! We are all accountable for being exactly where we are right now. We must remember that this statement was true at the beginning and has remained true throughout this journey. We can forgive ourselves and our partners for the anger and resentments we have used to hold one another hostage and responsible for creating the difficulties we have been forced to overcome. Maybe with forgiveness, we can hold this journey, not as the burden it has sometimes seemed, but instead as the opportunity to experience as a couple our capacities for the depth of intimacy that is the gift of successful recovery.
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My earliest childhood memory is that of my father holding my mother up against the flowered wallpaper in our kitchen, beating and choking her. Incidents such as this were a common occurrence in our house as I grew up. While I was spared much of the physical abuse (perhaps because I was the only girl in the family), I was terrified each time I witnessed my mother and three brothers suffering at the hands of my father. From a very young age, I dreamed of growing up and meeting the man of my dreams who would whisk me away from this unsafe place and we would live happily-ever-after.
Needless to say, I met and fell in love with the first young man that showed me any kind of affection. We dated throughout high school. Our relationship wasn't perfect. Sure, he cheated on me from time to time. But, at least he didn't hit me (oh, if only I knew then what I know now!). And, he was always so sorry after each transgression. He promised to never do it again and told me it was me he really loved and "those other girls meant nothing." I was always so relieved when "the incident" was over and was more than willing to sweep it (and the pain) under the rug in order to resume the pursuit of the happily-ever-after life I'd dreamed of.
We married as soon as we graduated from high school. For a very short time, I felt a sense of peace and happiness I had never known before. For the first time in my life, I felt safe. Many nights I lay awake in bed and thought about how lucky I was to be free from the abusive home I had grown up in and was now in my bed, safe and secure - totally unaware of what lay ahead - events that would shatter my dream.
Within a few months of being married, my husband began a long string of affairs with women that included my friends, family members, his co-workers, as well as complete strangers. The pain that I experienced growing up in an abusive family paled in comparison to the pain that I was now experiencing in my marriage. In spite of my screaming, crying, threatening and begging, the affairs continued. I felt helpless to do anything about it. No one could understand why I was staying with this man. I was embarrassed, disgusted with and ashamed of myself for allowing my husband to behave in this way, but by this time we had three children and the thought of leaving the marriage was terrifying. Where would I go? How would I support my children? How would I survive without the only man I had ever loved and who I thought loved me? At that time, enduring the pain of living with my husband seemed to be a better choice than enduring the pain of living without him.
Just before our 7th anniversary, my husband came home from work and announced that he was leaving me and starting a new life with one of his co-workers. To say I didn't handle this news well would be a gross understatement. I was a mess! Once the shock and grief wore off, the anger and depression took over. It breaks my heart to think about my children who were left to deal with this very painful and confusing time on their own because I was too consumed with my own stuff and wasn't there for them. They witnessed things (and heard things) children should never have to see and hear.
During the next year, I did everything I could think of to get my husband to return to the marriage. When I realized screaming, threatening and begging wasn't working, I tried a new strategy. I lost weight, got a new hairdo, began to dress sexier, stopped nagging at my husband, and became flirtatious with him. I even became an empathetic listener when my husband would reveal his relationship troubles with the other woman. Eventually, I became the "other woman." My husband was sneaking around his mistress to be with me. I felt more in control than ever before. But, I was miserable. My children were confused and miserable. Something had to change.
I didn't know the Lord at this time, but I somehow knew that I would find comfort and relief from the incredible pain I was feeling if I went to a church. My children and I sought out a church and started attending regularly. I began seeing a therapist and the children and I also began family therapy. I became involved in a "Divorce Lifeline" support group, which truly became my lifeline. Without realizing it, my focus had shifted from my husband to my children and myself. By this time, I had read enough books and heard it said so many times in my support group and in counseling that "I couldn't make my husband change" that I actually started to believe it. I slowly began to release my husband and my marriage to the Lord. I prayed constantly that the Lord would save our marriage. I told my husband that while I loved him very much and was willing to work on our marriage, I was not willing to be treated any longer with such disrespect and I would not be available to him as long as he was involved with the other woman (thanks to this great advice found in Dr. James Dobson's book, Love Must be Tough).
My husband chose not to work on the marriage. We divorced. He married (and later divorced) the other woman. I continued in counseling and my weekly support group. It was only when I realized that my ex-husband's behavior was never about me that I was able to let go of the anger and resentment and begin to heal.
I have learned some significant life lessons about myself and about relationships through this journey. I've learned that I can't control the behavior of others. I am responsible for my own behavior and choices. And, I learned that before I could move on and love again, it was necessary to forgive myself and my ex-husband. In retrospect, I wouldn't give up those difficult, painful years for anything. Those experiences (and the hard work during and after the dissolution of my first marriage) helped me become who I am today, and freed me to experience incredible intimacy in my present marriage. I'm so grateful for God's grace and mercy!
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Q&A
By Dave Brown
Question: My husband says "He has a huge empty hole from not acting out." What's a good response? What should he look for to fill that hole?
Answer: This is a good and important question. Let's consider the positives from his comment. First of all, he's right! He has for so long tried to fill that emotional, relational and spiritual emptiness with the sexual addiction. He's formed an unhealthy and destructive relationship with that 'mood altering' addiction. Everything within him furiously craves the feeding of that addiction with sexual acting out of some kind. It's a grieving process to say goodbye to the "old friend" of compulsive and addictive behaviors. That old friend was a maladaptive and destructive way of coping with a lot of pain that's yet unhealed.
Good therapy and good groups help people courageously face the pain and find healing in safe and real relationships that (to use Henry Cloud's Changes that Heal language) employ "grace and truth, and time." These are the kinds of things that a person needs to look for and develop to "fill that empty hole."
So, a wife's helpful response (even in her own painful healing journey) could be something like "I'm glad you're going to your meetings faithfully and working on what real honesty, intimacy and relationship can look like. It seems like you are trying and making a genuine effort. I support you in that. From what I too am learning, (and the wife should be learning and recovering too with her support/counseling) that is a big part of what's going to begin healing that hurting place in you, that empty hole." The wife may understandably need a lot of help and support to talk like that. She's suffered a lot of hurt, betrayal, and trauma. Thankfully, that kind of support is available in many cases.
For most men to say something like "I have a huge empty hole from not acting out" it usually means they are in recovery of some form. Most guys who are just trying to grit their teeth or are "white knuckling it" don't talk that way. Genuine restoration involves making an effort with help (therapy, support group for sexual addiction) to stop acting out sexually by getting at the roots of what's driving them. But again, it's a battle and it's a grief process for him. Wives also must deeply know that his struggle is not her fault.
If he is indeed in a good men's group (such as For Men Only or Faithful and True- see Ted Roberts' and Mark Laaser's fine books Pure Desire, or Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction for example), there will be regular weekly meetings. There will be phone calls that are frequent, if not daily, with fellow group members/leaders. There will also be homework to do related to his undealt with pain or trauma. He will evidence a growing tenderness and tearfulness to how his actions hurt/devastated his wife versus a cold, narcissistic unfeeling manner.
Wives should be familiar with good books for women them such as Debra Laaser's Shattered Vows, Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means' new book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Richard Blankenships' S.A.R.A.H., or others that Hope Connection friends and readers note as helpful.
Surely we all need the help and encouragement of each other as we seek to walk in hope, faith and healing. No doubt we also need God's grace and truth both in this Holy Season of Christmas, and always. Such is a good part of the vision for Hope Connection.
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RESOURCES
New Hope for Sexual Integrity
"What Every Wife Needs To Know About Her Husband's Struggle For Sexual Integrity"- free audio downloads for any woman who has questions, fears and doubts about her husband's struggle for purity. Current downloads include:1. You Are Not Alone2. You Are Not Crazy3. You Are Not To Blame4. Tip Of The Iceberg5. You Are Not Powerless6. You Cannot Fix Him 7. Signs of Pornography Use
Be Broken Ministrieswww.bebroken.comHelpful resources and information for wives who live with a husband struggling with sexually addictive behaviors.
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RECOMMENDED READING
Bold Love
By Dr. Dan B. Allender
We've come to view love as being nice. Forgiving and forgetting. Yielding to the desires of others. Yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional acceptance. Rather, it is shrewd. Disruptive. Courageous. And, as a result, socially unacceptable. In Bold Love, Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III draw out the aggressive, unrelenting, passionate power of genuine love. Far from helping you "get along" with others, Bold Love introduces the outlandish possibility of making a significant, life-changing impact on family, friends, coworkers-even your enemies. "Bold love is anything but passive," writes Dr. Allender. "It is unpredictable, cunning, and creative. It is a violation of the natural order of things. In many cases it will unnerve, offend, disturb, or even hurt those who are being loved. But in the end it will also compel them to deal with the internal disease that is robbing them (and others) of true beauty." So if it feels like you've turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning, it's probably time to take a second look at your practice of love. Because there's nothing redemptive about a love that just accepts people for who they are. |
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READER FEEDBACK
We'd love to hear your comments about the articles, stories and resources in each monthly Hope Connection newsletter. You can also provide hope, healing and encouragement to other women through your contributions to this newsletter by:
- Suggesting things you have found to be helpful in your healing process
- Providing a review of a book or devotional you found to be encouraging
- Submitting relevant events and resources
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