Speaking the Unspeakable:

Facilitated by JM Green   

 

 

 

In the first forum of 2012, the Black men of The Black Men's Xchange-New York took personal and collective inventory of their voice in the following deliberations:  

What have you said or done recently that you might not have a year ago?

"It's like I'm more verbal about who I am...I'm proud of who I am...My family says, 'Why do you have to tell everybody?'...Now, it's like a natural part of who I am..."

"I was recently looking for an apartment, and talking to a woman who [at one point,] I asked  why she wasn't married...[She thought I was interested in her] and I said, 'No, I play for the other team'...Having voice, and being free like that, and not censoring myself was something I wouldn't have done a year ago...The more I use my voice, not censoring myself, the fewer consequences there are...I have my own internalized fear...The more I do what I want to do, I'm living for me and not for them..."

What does it mean to have a voice?

"What did the Planners have in mind when they came up with the term, 'voice?'..."

{Facilitator says, "The Planners were thinking about personal and collective agency...or, as this gentleman put it, "being free"...having a sense of empowerment that translates into the capacity to speak and act on behalf of one's self and one's fellows...There is risk involved, so, it also involves courage...usually to say something that extends beyond, or which challenges the norm..."}

"Having voice is having power...I'm having a tough time now...I'm looking for an apartment...I get some assistance from the state...I feel confident enough to articulate what I want, but, finding he right ears [to hear what I'm saying is proving challenging]..."

"[Having voice is] having the power to change someone else's life...I never thought of myself as a Leader...but people around me tell me they see it in me...Having voice is being heard...I'm very outspoken...I'm loud...Having voice means I have something to say that can be uplifting, enlightening, life-changing...and [creating] a platform to use it...My writing is [becoming] my platform..."

"[Having voice is] a choice, and an opinion that is expressed...A year ago...me and [my man]...we kiss openly...[Recently] we went to Baltimore...We were kissing in the Black Wax Museum, and people were scared that we would be attacked...Then we went to the seaport, and were kissing there...That's something I wouldn't have done a year ago...It's my choice, my opinion and my expression..."

What's the connection between having voice and fulfillment?

"The voice and fulfillment question stuck out to me because I'm finding my voice and I'm unfulfilled in a number of ways...I know that I have voice...[that is] I give voice to my feelings and thoughts...Thanks to BMX, I can speak about my sexuality...I just spent the last four years paying down a whole lot of debt...[For doing that] it feels like I have more voice [too]..."

"I lost what I thought was a wonderful friend by saying who I am over the last year..."

"When I'm on the subway, I like to cruise...the kind of person I'm looking for would be turned off by what they [the kissing couple] do...I consider myself Down Low...We need to establish some benchmarks for how we respect each other..."

{Facilitator says, "What we're doing is both measuring and establishing benchmarks for how we respect ourselves and each other..."}

"Having fulfillment is sharing the things I'm happy about...and [that] I'm not happy about...Where I don't voice what's going on with me, it festers...Where I do, it allows me to move forward...It gives me an opportunity to create a safe space for myself...It's having a process for me to use my voice...It helps me to identify the insanity in my head...[the lies]..."

{Facilitator says, "That's a brilliant gem...Where I use my voice..."It allows me to move forward...[it] gives me an opportunity to create safe space for myself"...So that, having voice involves taking care of one's self...respecting one's self...acknowledgment of one's worth..."}  

What happens when you show up as you?

"When I show up as me...I had a friend who [when I told] I was gay...he just left me...I decided to come out in drag...I knew he worked down on Jay Street...So, I dressed in drag and went down to Jay Street...Every time he saw me, he just ran...He thought I was straight...and, I dressed in drag just to impress him..."

{Facilitator asks, "If your dressing in drag was just to impress your friend, was that really an example of you having voice?..."}    "Yes, because I was being who I really was..."

"As we learn to have our voice, we're not going to be accepted by the people who accepted us when we didn't have voice...The people we hung out with before would not hang out with us now...This year, I was open in school and doing all these outreaches...all these Prides...Now my friends know [about my sexuality]...All that's left [for me to tell] is my family......"

"I was in an unsafe place with some friends in the hood in Brooklyn...late at night...We went into a store and some boys from the corner came up and said, 'something, something, something, faggot'...My impulse was to run...Everyone [who knows me] knows that I ain't got no knuckle game...But, from being in environments like this, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Leave the fags alone"...I wanted to look and see who that came from...The next thing I knew, the boys just went on about their business...They left!...We were amazed...Being in environments like this, I'm becoming more transparent...My voice is finding new levels...new dimensions..."

Are you able to stand up for your rights as a same gender loving Man?

"I know that I have rights as a same gender loving man...[and] I can stand up for my rights as an SGL man to a certain extent..."

"I saw a film [in which] there was a bull that was protecting a calf...the bull was surrounded by eight or nine lions...The lions circled the bull...Those lions did not attack...One by one they got tired out...The bull stood its ground...If we stand up for our rights...Trust me...People will be in a stupor...If that bull stands its ground, people will respect it...My mother told me, 'If you're going to build a house, build a palace"..."

"Voice is never separated from context...It's one thing to have voice and use it to create a safe space...In another place...like Zimbabwe...it can get you killed...I live at 225th Street in the Bronx...at the foot of the hill by the subway is a mosque...[One day] there were two girls making out with each other [outside the mosque] near the entrance to the train station when the children were coming out of school...the Imam walked over to them and told them, 'I have nothing against how you love, but, can you not do it here in front of our place of worship where I'm trying to teach them not to do what you're doing?'..."

"Those girls have as much right to express their love and affection in front of a church as any hetero people do...If I was pulling out my genitals, that's another story...that's completely unacceptable...But, as long as they're being loving, if the church has a problem with it, maybe something's wrong with the church..."

"I've a friend I used to go out with...He always said [about open expressions of affection,] 'I don't do that'...'They don't need to know'...'I have a right to be myself in private'...Every heterosexual [couple] who kiss on a train platform don't check with me to see if I mind...I've been same gender loving for so long...I notice that White gays seem to have no problem with expressing affection for each other...They've a sense of entitlement [about it]...We need to have a sense of entitlement [too]..."

{Facilitator says, "There's a construct there which lies at the core of this notion of having voice...Did you catch it?...Having voice means operating from a sense of entitlement which impels me to honor and respect my natural inclination..."}

"When I was growing up, I used to hang out with my friend in the projects in Detroit, where they used to say, 'Homos,'...Everyone knew about me, but nobody said anything...My friend came to New York to visit and he was supposed to come [here] to the meeting with me, and he missed it...When he got back to Detroit, he called, and he was whispering...He's a record mogul...a powerful, multi-millionaire...I said, 'Why are you whispering?'...[He said,] 'My mother's here'...He was in his own house...I lost so much respect for him in that moment...It's that project [mentality]...I was hanging with some friends recently and one had just come home from jail...And he started saying, 'He's a homo' [about me]...Every time I looked up, I could hear him saying, 'He's a homo'...Finally, I said, 'Being in jail for ten years, people act like they've never touched a man's penis, or had a man's penis touch them!'...He stopped..."

"In response to the question about, what does it mean to have a voice?...I wrote...My voice is very important to the extent that [I] not settle for hatred, killing, murders, but be the opposite...Build a community...Set a moral standard...It starts with me..."

"I apologize to both of you [kissing couple]...I was ashamed to walk down the street with the two of you...I live in Bed Stuy...SGL people are targets [there]...I now respect you ...Thank you..."

"If I don't stand up for myself, who will?...I come out of my house looking like c_ nt...There are a lot of thugs around...I find that when I'm comfortable with me, nobody bothers me...The same way my brothers, my sister and my mother won't stick up for me, I learned, if I don't stick up for me, who will?..."  

{Facilitator says, "Although, from time to time, there may appear someone who is grounded and self-respecting and self-loving enough to take your part, more often, your assertion that, 'If I don't stick up for me who will?' has powerful resonance...I want ask what you mean when you say you 'come out of the house, looking like c_ nt?'"}    

"You know, with my hair done...very tight pants...giving you all that..."     

 
{Facilitator says, "Gotcha...Okay, well, if you will, I want you to consider that, part of sticking up for one's self involves affirming one's self... including my alignment in my female energy...Is the term, 'c_nt' a celebration or affirmation of that energy?..."}  

"No..."   

{Facilitator says, "There you go... 'C_nt' and 'thug' are the ways we've been taught to think of ourselves and each other to keep us from having voice...All of your uniqueness deserves affirmation...and, as someone else said, 'It starts with me'..."}

"My voice is very important...I peer mentor a lot of kids...You don't know what people are going through...This one guy called me asking for advice...He was contemplating suicide...I was his lifeline...If I weren't there...I'm glad to say that a lot of kids that I mentor don't want to commit suicide any more...When they call you at two in the morning...[I realize that my voice is important]..."

"He's right...Just sitting around listening to people's stories...Back in the day, I seen a hoe as a hoe...But, hearing their stories, you hear why they do it...They have no place to stay...or, they were raped as a child and they feel like [sex] is the only thing they're good at..."

"I used to do the 'DL' thing for a while...I find that it limits me to being a sexual being...It's taken me a long time to get to this place...I created chaos instead of love...I realized I wasn't living a full life...I was [only] a sexual being...I looked back and saw all the wreckage [I'd wrought]...Especially where there were people who were trying to love me...Heteros already assume that all we're about is fucking...So, it's very important for them to see this [SGL men loving each other]...For young SGLs to see this...I find it interesting that White SGLs... Talk about entitlement...They expect us to look at them...In fact, I think they get indignant if you don't notice them...It's extremely important to see this in front of us here...Outside [in the world]...In the movies...[Speaking of which] I no longer leave the seat in the middle [between myself and the man I'm with]...It's very important [that] we be whole human beings..."