Am I All That I Ought To Be?
A Kawaida Kwanzaa Primer
Facilitated by Cleo Manago & JM Green
At the last Black Men's Xchange-New York Friday night dialogue, Brothers explored one of the questions from the Kawaida framework on which Kwanzaa was founded, 'Am I all that I ought to be?' Co-facilitator, John-Martin read the following explanation of Kawaida, {"Conceived and crafted in the midst of the liberation struggle of the 60's, Kawaida evolve[d] as an emancipatory philosophy dedicated to cultural revolution, radical social change, and bringing good in the world. It was shaped by its focus on culture and community as the basis and building blocks for any real movement for liberation. This means that culture is conceived as the crucible in which the liberation struggle takes form and the context in which it ultimately succeeds. ...The first resistance in any people's liberation struggle is cultural resistance and the struggle for liberation is itself an act of culture."} He reminded participants that the three essential Kawaida questions are: 'Who Am I?'... 'Am I Who I Say I Am?'...and 'Am I All that I Ought to Be?'... Among prisms through which the men explored the latter question included:
What does it mean to be all that one ought to be?
"I may never be [all that I ought to be] because I think I'll always be reaching [to be more and better] so, maybe that's all I ought to be...is reaching...Part of that [for which I am reaching] is my Africanness...to reconnect with that..."
"I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I'll get there...I can't get any better than I am ..."
"I'm not all that I want to be, but I'm all that I ought to be..."
"The question is a literary negative injunction...It comes from the outside...where we are told what we are not...and what we ought to be...There is no ought..."
{Facilitator 2 says, "Bear in mind, the focus of Kawaida and of this exploration involves our individual and collective quests to be self-actualizing...to be free...to be the most and the best we can be on behalf of ourselves and our community...Taking that into account, the term ought refers to an internal striving..."}
As same gender loving men, are we engaged in a struggle for liberation? If so, liberation from what?
"We can empower each other just by being comfortable with [who we are]...As Black men we're in a struggle for liberation...As an SGL Black man [we're in a struggle for liberation]...The external ought...If you don't have your own personal ought, you're [not autonomous]..."
"I am completely free inside of me...I don't give a shit if someone comes after me...I am not shackled by my heart...There is nothing that I can do that will make me not love myself...I am liberated as a Black man..."
{Facilitator says, "While you may feel free [as the Black man you are}...In order to be an effective agent of transformation, you have to be able to engage people where they are, and hear people where they are, and create space for them to be where they are..."}
"I don't feel free of judgment from other same gender loving men...I always feel I'm being judged, and for that same reason, I am always judging them...I went to a function recently [with some friends] and right away, I said, "Let's go...all these girls are shady..."
{Facilitator asks, "Were you talking about men?"} "Yes, I was talking about men...[I feel shade] Particularly from younger SGL Black men...under 25, 24, 23, 22...I get maturity from everybody in this room...even the 22-year-olds...I don't get dagger-eyed...I'm very good at sensing certain vibes...These bitches were shady...A lot of ballroom girls...It was a Harlem [organization] event..."
{Facilitator asks, "What's the name of the organization that hosted the event?"} "I don't remember..." {Facilitator says, "I want us to be part of the solution in any room we're in...I want us to take a look at how we view each other...Some of these 'daggers' are unengaged defensiveness...If you enter a room where people are throwing daggers, that's about pain because of the way we treat them...A lot of us are engaged in fem-o-phobia... We have to learn to not re-traumatize each other...If we want to be free, we have to unlearn the behaviors [that have enslaved us]..."}
"I don't want to put people in a box...But, when I go out and I tell people I'm a bottom...[a lot of times] they just walk away...that's shady...I went out to a club the other night, and a Black guy came over and started giving me a lap dance, and I told him I was a bottom and he scowled and waked away...Later, this Latino came over and started giving me a lap dance, and when I told him I was a bottom, he licked my face and smiled and then he left..."
{Facilitator says, "People who are called 'bottoms' are [sometimes] perceived as the scum of the earth because of patriarchy...When you call other men 'girls,' that's not a term of endearment...because [under patriarchy] we're taught that women are less...Men who [operate from] their female energy are [belittled]..."}
"When I talk to most of my gay friends, I say, 'girl'..."
"My main point was that, I don't like shady people...Whenever I deal with younger SGL people, there's shade..."
{Facilitator asks, "Why?...What is shade?..."}
"They think they're better than us..."
"We have all walked in places where the [young Bloods] are...What we need to do is drop shade...It stars from self, the shade...The shade [from others] has nothing to do with you...They're just not yet who they want to be, or who they ought to be..."
"I'm in total agreement about [the idea that] we're engaged in a struggle [when] we can enter a room and without a word being spoken, shoot daggers at each other...90% [of the solution] is recognizing that we have a problem and 10% is doing something about the problem...Black men...you look at them on the train and they want to fight you...even if you're not looking at them with salacious or any ill intent..."
If we are indeed free, how can we tell? If not, what does freedom look like?
"There are three kinds of liberation...One is learning not to sexualize men...Two is accepting that not everybody is going to like me...Growing up in shame and criticism about one's identity doesn't teach you the barnacles you need [to survive]...Liberation is getting to the point where you are okay with the fact that people are not going to like you..."
What, if any role does culture play in a struggle for liberation?
"Society oppresses us with so many things...Right now they're telling us we're people of color...[diluting our Blackness]...I don't know anybody that ever liberated themselves without fighting...We have to start thinking for ourselves..."
As we step into our power as same gender loving men, what does it mean to be a freedom fighter?
"You're going to run into a lot of same gender loving Brothers throwing shade because they don't love and respect themselves...But, don't run...stand in the love you have for yourself, and show them that shade isn't necessary...I have to liberate myself from the pains of my past [in order to be able to do that]..."
"There is liberation from, but there is also liberation to do things...More contemporary with where I see Black people today...The guy doesn't want to be reduced to a 'bottom'...It's a very destructive label when it squeezes the humanity out of you..."
"We need to liberate ourselves from separation from our Trans family..."
What can we do to shore up our capacity as freedom fighters?
"I may be very unpopular for saying this, but...Ought is a very valid word...The first glimpse of discipline [comes from 'ought']...We are so resistant to it...Freedom is not a thing one can just say they have...It's a back and forth dialogue...Every time you look at someone and see a hole in them, there is a hole in you...I find it so depressing to find us reducing ourselves to the lowest level...[mere] sexual roles...'Ought,' yes, ought...You need to create a chart documenting your progress...Discipline...Without it, we just keep stumbling about...being self indulgent...I want to put in this room...discipline...You need a slap in the face to tell you that time is passing you by..."
"What am I going to do to liberate myself from a society that is too big...You liberated me when you [told me to question what is]..."
"Freedom will cost you...Loved ones, friends, family, money...If I walk into a room and people don't like me, it's okay because I'm free...That means I can't just fuck anyone because, I'm trying to free my people and if you're not [so engaged], you're wasting my time...When I understand that somebody gave up their life so I could be here...their arm so I could be here...their child..."
"We use 'same gender loving'...We should wake up each day with the idea of love and you'll see less shade..."
"There was a carpenter who saw a chair with three legs...Everybody else passed it by...He bought it...[Turned out] It was worth millions...To be a freedom fighter...he saw not what the chair was, but what it could be...Each of us should be as strong as the weakest one [of us]...Even the weakest is important...We need to encourage each other..."
{Facilitator says, "Discipline can be a very tricky concept...Everybody here has discipline...If you go to work every day, you have discipline...It took discipline to get here [this evening]...If you consider yourself a 'bottom' or a 'top' and can get what you want, you have discipline......The issue is not whether you have discipline or not, but consciousness...[The young man who shot daggers'] discipline was not driven by self-love...He was disciplined to overcompensate for being [thought of as] a 'black-nigga'-faggot'...He has the consciousness now to love himself...Someone said, 'you have to know yourself to love yourself'...We keep in this vicious cycle of re-wounding each other...We can't stop it without being conscious...Black men have more concerns about being a man or not...That's why there's so much 'girl'-calling...There's some manhood issues going on here that Asians, Latinos and others don't have..."} [Many in the room object to this notion...] {Facilitator asks, "Who were enslaved for three-hundred years physically, and one-hundred years mentally..."} [Collective answer] "We were..." {Facilitator asks, "Who does not have a clue where they come from beyond, 'over there somewhere?..."} [Collective answer,] "We don't..."
{Facilitator 2 says, "It's clear from our responses that we're due for some fresh exploration around [the meaning of] manhood [for Black men]...For all of us who think we're free as men, I want you to ask yourselves what it means in terms of how you regard your natural sexual inclination in the world...I have some new heroes here...[This couple], are in love and are as affectionate as teen-agers...wherever they are...On a train...in a restaurant...on the block...wherever they are, they're slobbering all over each other...That bespeaks freedom to me...When I can express my natural emotional and affectional inclination wherever I am...And, for those of you who profess to be free, or believe you are who you ought to be right now...if you do not, as a matter of course, feel free to express your natural sexual or emotional inclination wherever you are, as do other men, I submit, you've some work to do on the way to freedom yet...And, so we will..."}