VALUING OUR LIVES AS BLACK MEN:

Exploring Our Relationship to

Our Hetero Brothers     

Facilitated by JM Green   

 

 

 

At the latest Black Men's Xchange-NY dialogue, Brothers explored our relationships with our hetero Brothers from the following perspectives:

What, if anything, has happened in your lifetime to change the perception of SGL men among Hetero Brothers?

"I know some [hetero Brothers] that denigrate, some [who] put up with [homosexual Brothers] and others who support [us]..."

"Most of it [their perception] is negative...I'm in school, and when they find out I'm gay, they say, 'You're gay?'...They automatically think you want to have sex with them..."

"In my youth and childhood gay people were despised...If anyone thought you were gay, people would go out of their way not to associate with you...When I was fifteen or sixteen a friend told me, 'Don't tell anyone you haven't had sex with a woman...So, I didn't...[Back then] people came to the Village to beat up gays...Now, there's a different perspective...[People are] more accepting..."

 "Growing up, I grew up hetero...I had feelings for men, but I didn't express them until I was in college...You always heard homosexuals were weaker...Now it's a lot more accepting...There are still those who comment...'He's gay...Maybe he's got the monster'..."  

"[Looking at] societal trends, the Gay Rights Movement [has made a difference]...On my job, nobody cares...Among my family...just being present [in my sexuality] has changed their perspective...I did hide for a long time...[But now] I'm dictating the terms of the perspectives on how I will be regarded..."

{Facilitator says, "For our purposes, we want to focus more insularly than societal trends because, while it is indisputable that the Gay Liberation Movement is making tremendous progress...For the first time, same-sex-headed households are counted in the census...the Don't Ask, Don't Tell military policy has just been overturned...and same-sex marriage is the law of the land in six states and counting...The fact of the matter is that, until a few months ago, with the advent of the 99% Movement...Gay Liberation political activity was the cultural zeitgeist...And at the demonstrations and protests for those rights, the cameras had to pan hard to find Black faces amid the throngs of protesters ...There's a reason for that...So, we need to take our temperature about our relationship to ourselves and each other as Black people...Along those lines, that's a wonderful recognition you cite...that by 'just being present as who I am, I'm dictating the terms on how I will be regarded'..."}

"We haven't done anything to transform the minds of the larger Black community [about us]...Black heterosexual men's perspective is largely negative...I do think the term 'same gender loving' has gotten people to think...they never thought about loving between two men...So, just me being me...At my Uncle's watching the Super Bowl...[or] I brought four of my hetero cousins here to dialogue...is helping to change things..."

"One of the things I've done is not run away from myself as much...I have a brother who is hetero and who used to cross-dress...One of my brothers once kicked a tricycle clear across the room at him and told him to get out...He didn't come back again for months...That scared me...I thought, if gay or faggot meant that, I didn't want any part of it...I would go on these [homo-sex] websites, and my brother saw them...I didn't know how to frame the conversation...[But, over time] their regard has changed [for me]...Because they see me loving and doing service..."

"I grew up in Amityville...Most of the guys played sports...I didn't like sports...It kind of distanced me from them...I liked academics...I never had a close relationship with any hetero Brothers...And never developed [one]...I always longed for it...I still long for it...Recently, I've been trying to get into sports..."

"I keep my guard up around {hetero Brothers]...I used to play with my cousins' Barbie dolls and put sheets around myself and say, 'I'm a beautiful Princess'...[They would tell me] 'Put some bass in your voice'...'You have to handle your business [like a man]'...They put you in a box...[Now] stuff that I do in front of gay people, I won't do in front of straight people...When my uncle found out I was gay...I found out I had a gay cousin...I've never met him...they say he was very effeminate, and they chased him away...Only my uncle and my mom know [about my sexuality]..."

"My mother would actually get me some dolls...I used to do plaiting...She actually embraced that part of me..." 

In what regard do you generally hold hetero Brothers?

"I didn't hold [Hetero Brothers] in contempt, but I held them with some distance...[When I was a boy] Hempstead used to fight Amityville about girls or sports...Even today, most of my friends are heteros..."

{Facilitator says, "That's interesting...On the one hand, you say, while you don't hold hetero Brothers in contempt, you hold them at a distance...And, on the other, you say, your best friends are hetero Brothers...Are you present in your sexuality among your hetero friends?...}

"No...They don't need to know that..."

"Hetero Brothers were my mentors, my guides...I never looked to too many same gender loving Brothers for guidance until I was older...One thing I know is, a lot of hetero Brothers do not like to be associated with weakness...Historically, that's always been the case...They see gay as weak..."

{Facilitator says, "That's an important point you raise...'A lot of hetero Brothers don't want to be associated with weakness'...and there being a historical connection to that disposition...We talk a lot here about hegemeony...The control of one culture by another...the hegemony under which we live is White supremacy, part of which involves patriarchy, which means, men rule...part and parcel of patriarchy is misogyny...the fear and hatred of women...'Behind every great man..."} 

[Group say] "Is a great woman..." 

{Facilitator says, "Women are the..."}  

[Group say] "weaker sex"...]  

{Facilitator says, "Women, like children..."}  

[Group say] "Should be seen and not heard..."  

 
{Facilitator says, "All, the stuff of misogynist enculturation...So, under misogyny, we are trained to believe women are weaker...when, in fact, they are not...We are trained to value women as less than men...As, less worthy of respect than men... And, so, a man who would have another man as would a woman is worthy of even less respect than a woman...[and should] be construed as even weaker than the woman...Which is why SGL Brothers who are more grounded in our female energy than in our male energy are shunned and feared by Hetero Brothers who don't know who they are..."}

"I used to hold hetero Brothers in contempt...They didn't perceive me as I did...We were pariahs...the joke of the block...I had crushes [on hetero Brothers]...I couldn't go but so far...I could touch his ass...he could touch my dick...I kept getting misinformation [about what it meant to be homosexual]...'You have to be feminine'...It was an older feminine lesbian who changed my perception when I was thirteen...'There are some men who are masculine, and some men who are feminine'...My mother and father had gay friends...I had my first lover at fourteen...It was unspoken...My mother and his mother were best friends...A few friends I have who are hetero, I'm cool with...[A lot of them think] All gay men are pedophiles...are trying to infect others with the virus..."

With how many hetero Brothers are you present in your sexuality?

"Hetero brothers that I'm cool with, they don't know [about my sexuality]...And, I keep it like that..."

"It's hard for me to call hetero Brothers my friends and not be able to be fully who I am...My friends know me and who I am...I've known since I was eight or nine that I had an affinity for men...When I was seventeen...My father would say, 'I love you'...And I thought, 'How could they love me and not know who I really am?'...I finally did it...I found the courage to tell him...And, I was so surprised at his reaction... 'You're old enough to know what you want'...I've a brother who used to play basketball with the Lakers and the Miami Heat...and he would have me hang out with his teammates and they were always talking about the girls they were going to get... And, they would ask me...'[Hey, Man] you going to get some?'... I would say...'No, I have a boyfriend, and we're going to go and do what we do'...And, you could hear a pin drop...And, then they would say, 'Alright now! Go on and do you!... I have a lot of heterosexual friends..."

{Facilitator says, "Most instructive, Sir...Thank you...People who participate regularly are likely to have heard me share that, among the hats I wear is as a singer, fronting society orchestras...As a species, musicians rival athletes for their womanizing...On breaks away from the bandstand, oftentimes musicians will talk about their sexual aspirations and/or conquests...I've trained them to respect homo-sex too, inasmuch as I share my sexploits ...If they can revel in 'tits' and 'pussy,' I can, and do revel in 'dick' and 'ass'...'Yeah, I had some delectable ass last night'...Or...'This dude's dick was terrifyingly large...but, we worked it out'..."}

"I find it challenging when I find a hetero Brother attractive...I don't know what to do about it..."

"My father was bisexual and he would talk in code...It got expressed to my mother [and she had a hard time dealing with it]...Even until my father died it was hard for him [to express himself openly]...As a child in the thirties, he couldn't do that...Live like I do...They ostracized him...Said he was perverted..."

Do you generally feel affirmed by hetero Brothers?

"Most of my hetero Brothers know that I'm gay...Some of them, it was really difficult to tell...I moved to the States...We had access to each other's apartments...to each other's bank accounts...the year of the Gay [Olympic] Games...he was bashing gay folk right, left and sideways...At one point he said, 'I'm glad I don't know any'...And I said, 'I guess this would be a good time to tell you...I am'...Now, he defends gay people when other people talk bad about them...I asked him why he now took up for them...he said, 'Because of you'..."

"I don't believe any guy is 100% hetero or homo...I believe most men are suspect and would have sex with anything...Outside of work, I don't have many relationships with hetero brothers...I rejected men as a child...I saw the pain they caused...It's hard when there's alcohol [in the house]...But, now I realize, that's just phucked up behavior...I rejected this idea that this is what a man is...Respect has nothing to do with gender...Respect is respect...I try to be transparent in who I am...I heard it in this room...When you have the courage to show up as who you are, you give others the courage to show up as who they are...When I heard the term same gender loving, it resonated for me...I was reading about Shenikah energy...Eloheim...and El Shaddiyah...are all aspects of God...And Shenikah is the divine feminine expression of God and the indwelling presence of God...I don't know why God would choose me to channel Shekinah energy...But, he did..."

{Facilitator says, "The idea of not brushing with a broad brush stroke, as they say, al hetero Brothers based on the behavior of a few is an important one...And, regarding the idea that, all men are suspect and/or could be had...it is my considered observation that, just as there are those among us who, in observance of that part of the sexuality continuum we occupy, find the thought of women's genitalia repellent...There are hetero Brothers who, living on that portion of the sexuality spectrum where they are, who find the thought of another man's genitals, let alone engaging them, repulsive..."}

"[I'm open with] Coworkers ...When I came out at my job about three years ago, I got a lot of support...I got a lot more positive responses than I thought I would...I work in a warehouse...Predominantly Black, and Caribbean, and Latino, working class Brothers...They ask me a lot of questions about homosexuality...'You being gay...that means you're attracted to gay men...How do you know if a man is gay?'...I told him...You don't necessarily know...It's the same as, you don't know if a woman you're attracted to is going to share your attraction'...They say, 'You don't act gay'...As an openly homosexual Black man, just being present in who I am, I think has not only helped the Black family, it has definitely helped me...I'm not denying myself being me no more...It's not easy, but I'm forty-eight years old and I feel like I'm getting a late start..."

What, if anything, do we need to do to ensure that we are respected by hetero Brothers?

 "We were in Wendy's [my man and I]...We kiss and everything wherever we are...It's an African and Caribbean neighborhood...'Man, I ooughta' beat those faggots up'...An another guy said...'But, you know what?...there's that hate crime thing...The servers [in the restaurant] talk with us and are very nice...Heteros have no choice but to acknowledge me, because when you set an example, the only way to look is up...when I'm teaching, and I teach...they know [I am to be respected]..."

"I have a psychology class and wrote a paper about abusive relationships among gay people and the teacher asked, 'Are you gay?'...And, I said, 'Yes,' and they gagged..."

"When I was in college I found myself emotionally involved with a lot of hetero Brothers...I distance myself a lot...I made a decision to stop dealing with them...even now, it's more comfortable not dealing with them...Typically, I don't engage with hetero Brothers..."

"I think most men like men...I lived for eight years in the Caribbean...I was outted, because I'm not out...What we have to do is take action...Do things together...Form businesses...A friend asked me, 'Why are you down low?'...I told him, 'The sex is better'..."

What strategies have you used to build or heal relationships with hetero Brothers?

"I'm asking for help...I mentioned that growing up I was isolated...I'm having a hard time shaking the perception I have that they have of me as an out SGL Brother...I need some suggestions about how to have relationships with hetero Brothers ...I like concert piano [and things a lot of hetero Brothers tend not to be interested in]..."

"Finding hetero Brothers who you share common interests with..."

"I don't seek out hetero Brothers...they seek me out..."

"I have found that [of] the top people in my life, four or five of them are heteros...I stopped managing other people's crotches...Their sexuality is their sexuality...I dealt with the fear I had of men...I realized that I wanted the respect of other men...What we're missing is the linkage of Black men...I tell my SGL students, 'Stop trying to fuck him...You need a brother'...When we sexualize experience, we miss...Stop trying to get other people's sexuality...We need brothers..."

{Facilitator says, That is so true...As a toddler I was prematurely sexualized by an older cousin, and as a result, for all the years of my youth and for many years into adulthood, I had problems with boundaries and I tended to sexualize a good many experiences that were not sexual...It took me many years of therapy to  reconfigure my psyche so as to make room for my brothers...You are absolutely right...We need our brothers...And, they need us...They don't know how much they need us...And, it is incumbent upon us to engage them in processes of unlearning the myths they carry for us..."}

"As I think about my own experiences...[I have to ask myself] What do I want form hetero Brothers?...If I want to have healthy relationships, I have to remove all the stones of resentment I hold for hetero Brothers...For the behaviors I pinned on them...Part of me owning who I am involves recognizing what other people own and what is my stuff..."