BMX-NY (01|21|2011): SHAME OFF YOU

During the previous week's Black Men's Xchange-New York dialogue, brothers focused On Being Same Gender Loving: To Pass, or Not To Pass? We looked at the question from the following perspectives:
Two Beautiful Bruthaz On The Train

Are there areas of your life in which you are not present in your sexuality?

"There is an aunt on my father's side [with whom I'm not present]...which is indicative of my relationship with my father's side of the family...She has used the 'F word' around me...'You know they just faggots!'...I remember even hearing that from my mother...'He's just as faggified as he can be'..."

"I've made a career out of being homosexual...The only place I don't do it is when I'm doing what I call subway facilitation about the 'N word' with our children...I'm always successful...[But] I always walk away wondering how they would have responded if they knew I was same gender loving..."

"The only place I wasn't [present] was in my community of faith until about a year ago...It wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be...I'd talked about it in therapy, and I'd talked about it here...And the Pastor disagreed [with my acknowledging my sexuality to the congreagation]...but recently, he's asked me to take on a leadership role and become a trustee in the church..."

"I definitely don't deal with bashing from the congregation, or bashing from the pulpit...[but] the Pastor said [to me], 'Everybody knows you're gay...Can you kind of tone it down?...[And I've thought,] If a wonderful man comes into my life, I should be able to bring him into this church...If I can't get married...or, have a commitment ceremony in this church, then do I really need to be here?"

{Facilitator says, "That's an important question I expect you are going to have to answer [at some point]..."} [Participant nods.]

"In my church, we were studying scripture with a workbook and a question came up about homosexuality as abomination, and I had to say something...a [repressed older SGL] brother asked me, 'Why do you always have to be the one to speak up and speak out?'...But, I see a young brother [in the church] who's tremendously talented, and I can't stand by and watch his spirit be [stepped on]...If he ever decides he is same gender loving, I needed him to know it wasn't wrong...It was a moment of truth for me..."

"For me, [it involved] the people I grew up with...going back and forth [to the old neighborhood]...Telling them was a matter of integrity for me because I felt I was lying...With kids I couldn't [be present for a long time] and I wondered why...And [finally] I had a flashback to when I was a kid and they called me a faggot...I confronted one of my childhood friends who I'd maintained contact with, and she claimed she couldn't remember it...She claimed she couldn't remember it...But it was like people who were molested as children [who confront their molesters]...I took my power back...It was very liberating..."

"I am still not present at my job, and with the public at large...in terms of PDA [public displays of affection]...I was on the N train with my date and he snuggled and leaned his head on me, and all these White and Asian people were looking at me...It felt good to just be...I always worry, if there are some Black men, about how they are going to react...Until we're confident with [the] right[ness of our being in] the outside world [we're not really free]...I took strength from him..."

"I'm a [middle] school teacher...And though things have changed so much, I don't fear I'd lose my job...I don't know how my students' parents will handle my sexuality...I think the kids know...It's pretty obvious...I have been asked by my students...'Do you like girls?'...One boy even said, 'Don't worry, I won't feel any differently about you...'...Then he tried to hook me up with his [male] after school teacher...If the conversation comes up, I'll disclose, but it generally doesn't...One particularly troubled, Special Ed student was sitting by a rack of books one day, and took a Charles Dickens book from the rack and held up the book covering all the letters in the author's name except, D-i-c-k, and asked, 'Mr., Do you like this?'...I said, 'There's only one reason you'd need to know that...'And the kids said...'Yeah, why do you need to know that?'...'Are you gay?'...I see myself as a role model for a lot of these kids...A former student approached me recently and said, 'I had that conversation with my mother, and I wasn't thrown out...Thank you!'...I didn't remember having had a conversation with him...But they ask...'Are you married?'...Have you ever been married?'...Do you have any children?'...I know why they're asking..."

{Facilitator says, "You're my hero..."} [School Teacher asks,] "Why?" {Facilitator says, "Because your investment in integrity is fierce...Your determination to be honest and authentic is ferocious, and that you model that for our children everyday is to be honored..."}
What's at stake if we acknowledge our sexuality?

"I actually care a lot what people think...I'm not going to put myself out there for anybody [to demean]...If you do ask me...and you really want to know, without ridiculing, then fine, we can have that conversation...I find a lot of people are curious...I would have to get that they are serious about learning about Black men who like other Black men...I don't find it easy...I work with the MTA...civil service doesn't have any heavy education requirement...You don't have to be open-minded...There are people who are naturally curious...The majority are Black and very male [macho]...[and] threatened by homosexuality...They are always making ugly [anti-homosexual] jokes...There's [an anti-homosexual] undercurrent that always exists...I wonder if [the most rabidly anti-homosexual among them] aren't kind of curious to experience homosexuality...Ninety percent of my coworkers are married and have kids...That I'm not...There's already a red flag there...If you want to discuss that honestly and in an open manner, I'm ready for that...To either fit the model that society assigns you, or live your life outside the mold is a challenge [either way]..."

{Facilitator says, "Where you say, in civil service, there's no heavy education requirement, it sounds as if the heavy education requirement around SGL experience might fall on you..."}

Cite the three biggest fears that cause us to pass as heterosexual.

"I am from a community of Caribbean descent that is very unyielding...If you say the word 'gay,' [they give you short shrift]...They say, it's a foreign import...It's connected with pedophilia...A conversation cannot even be started...I try to stay away from kids...It's a tool they can use against you..."

"Is it possible not to be ashamed, but to feel enough sense of self not to want to put yourself out there to be ridiculed?..." [Group answers] "Yes..."

"I'd love to be present in my sexuality, but I'm not always proud to be same gender loving...I was raised by a group of racist Black Hebrew Israelites...It's taken years of therapy to filter out the hatred...I'm not always present when it comes to my parents...childhood friends...There's a group at my school who are openly gay, and a couple of them suspect [I'm homosexual]... I talk to them and share my perspective about some of the things they say, and I go on about my business...I love myself, but I don't think to the point that I can say, 'This is who I am...Love me, or leave me...No one pays my bills'...I do care what people think...I fear abandonment...That's part of my story...I'm working on it...My family knows...I'm starting to accept other gay men who are outside of the whole masculine, machismo [mold]...I'm becoming more proud of myself in that way...I've even fought for them...It's a process..."

{Facilitator says, "It is indeed...And you are to be congratulated [for your work in that process]..."}

How might I benefit if I stop passing right now?

"I think of homosexuality as a family issue...Parents generally know by the age of four [about their child's same gender loving disposition]...We should start by educating the family as opposed to going out into civil service [or into the world] to try to educate people..."

"I think about this group [BMXNY] when I'm out in the world...When I'm stopped by police, asking me to check my bag as I'm about to enter the subway...which I am frequently...And when I'm denied entrance to the subway when I refuse to let them check my bag...I feel safer because I know that if I'm arrested, there will be two-hundred people down at the precinct in two hours...There is progress...All we gotta' do now is educate the Black community to the beauty of homosexuality, create our own schools and learn financial literacy..."

"I remember a time when I was more present than I ever thought I could be...We've talked about PDA as a human right here...I ran into this guy who I'd met in a cruising spot, but we'd become good friends...I was happy to see him, and I wanted to embrace him, but I felt awkward, and he reached over and kissed me full on the lips on Tremont and Webster Avenues [in the South Bronx]...and I loved it...Yesterday I walked along holding hands with this Brother from thirtieth street all the way down to the Village...I live with my brother...He knows about my sexuality and he asks me about guys I'm dating...If the guys are treating me well...I try to live as authentically as I can...The more I embrace my same gender lovingness, the more masculine I become...The more comfortable I've become in my own skin..."

{Facilitator says, "Yes...I have found that too...That the more I have embraced my same gender lovingness, the more masculine I have become...I feel more at ease than I have ever been...I kiss men out in the world...one in particular who lives not far from here, and who has participated in BMXNY...Every time he sees me, he rushes up to me like a big cuddly puppy and kisses me full on the mouth...The last time was a couple of weeks ago on the corner of 151st and Broadway...and when he's not reeking, it's quite lovely...I think he drinks...[But] He's several times and ways fine...[By now] I not only know that I am a man, I know that I'm a good man...And, I know that I'm a real man...I'm a real man [because I am really who I am]..."}

{Facilitator remarks admiringly about a participant who he has seen in various public settings effortlessly engaging men of all different stripes in conversation.}

"I don't believe I fool anybody [about my sexuality]...So, if I can banter [with any man] it's [been] to eliminate my insecurity..."

"I want to focus on the notion of 'passing'...[Back in the day] we talked about [Black] people who looked white, 'passing' as white...Making a deal with the devil...Making a sale...in order to get things [Blacks were denied]...But, in order to do that, they had to give up their connection to Blackness...In the same way, when we pass as heterosexual, we have to give something up...My connection to Blackness is much too important to me...I had my Gidget moment a few years ago...For those of you who are too young to remember, Gidget was a late fifties through sixties...even seventies movie and TV series [about a teenage White girl-next-door type]...In a scene from one of the movies I saw as a boy, Gidget is standing in a crowd and a boy kisses her and everyone around them applauded...And, I thought...'That will never happen for me'...But, I was with a man I cared for, and we were in public, and at one point, he took me in his arms and kissed me...and people stopped and applauded...and while they weren't applauding for the same reason...There was a certain power in that...When we show up totally as who we are...It's very powerful...When you think about things people take for granted...like holding hands...Now, I'm not a big fan of PDA, but [if we muster the courage to be present in our sexuality as a matter of course, it is] so that Brothers in Brownsville will be able to hold hands...And Brothers in Trinidad can be present in their sexuality...This is a movement...We can change things..."

"I've worked with organizations [the first letter of which titles'] have 'G's,' so, my resume outs me...[I remember] walking holding hands [with a man] in Queens, and a van pulled up and several guys jumped out with baseball bats, and I thought they were going to kill us...But we were able to talk our way out of it...When you veil yourself, you don't know how to deal with men...Men don't check their identity [at the door]...They say, 'This is who I am'...You claim your manhood [no one gives it to you]...When I count the generations back to slavery, there are at least two-thousand people who had my blood in their veins who couldn't speak...So, I must speak because they couldn't..."

Will the next generation of SGL folk live in a more tolerant society?

"The zeitgeist on homosexuality [has been] about what you do with your penis...The 'zeitgeist' is the trend of thought during a period...The zeitgeist is shifting...We're going to think about this [same gender lovingness] as a capacity you have...One of the reasons I love the term 'same gender loving' is because it speaks to capacity...Maybe what Black men need to do is to change the model of homosexuality...There is a difference between the way homosexuality happens in Black culture and the way homosexuality happens in White culture..."

{Facilitator says, "Absolutely...Same gender loving is the new zeitgeist...The new idea for the age...And it does bespeak capacity...As we are present in our same gender lovingness...As we operate from that capacity, we are most powerful as the men we came here to be...It is then that we are in touch with our magic...With our capacity to change what is into what we will have it be...As we risk being present in our sexuality wherever we are...Then we are truly free...and have the capacity to help free the rest of the family...And that is wherefore same gender loving is also a movement...Let's move, Y'all..."}