Why do we continue to feel anger or disappointment when another human being does not behave in a manner that we expect?
I do not have an answer, but I do have a solution. Ask the person from who you expect certain conduct whether they are capable of fulfilling your expectations. I know I sound like a genius. Right!? Of course not, but sometimes we overlook the obvious.
With the holiday season upon us, it would be prudent to mull this concept over. Think about it. Would you ask a quadriplegic to get up and get you a glass of water?
It is no different than asking a person who has a limited capacity for empathy to understand how you feel. You have a choice to maintain a relationship with that person, but you do not have a right to be angry when they just do not understand your suffering or problems.
They lack the capacity to do so.
In the context of the holidays and familial obligations to care for our sick and frail elders, understanding the limitations of your siblings is immensely important to maintaining the integrity of your relationships.
I have worked with dozens of families during the holidays so I speak from first hand knowledge (and personal experience in my own family dynamics).
Sadly, this year, siblings who were best friends will cease to speak to one another. They may philosophically disagree about the care that is or is not being provided for a parent or other relative and because they cannot respect another's time or financial constraints.
Where other's cannot commit time to a project, we can choose to huff and puff our way around the house and speak ill of the sibling with friends (bad energy) or we can adjust our expectations.
One of the best solutions is to utilize the services of an experienced professional to accomplish what we would like to see done. This way you can avoid many of the endless petty (and larger) confrontations and get the result each of you is looking to achieve.
We can also be angry and think that the person is selfish. Maybe that is true or maybe the person has so many obligations they will become ill if they take anything else on or their own children will be neglected.
Their refusal to help may truly be the result of self preservation. As I mentioned earlier, you never know unless you take the time to ask. It is up to you what to do with the information you receive. But asking is the first step.
If you love them, maybe you will understand them.
If you think a sibling is selfish, you can choose to re-think how you envision a future with that person. That tact is a legitimate too. Sometimes, preserving relationships at all costs causes the initial wound to fester and toxicity to flourish.
You can let go of someone you loved with love if the pain they inflict on you is more than you can or should bear. In the end, you are the only judge of you and your reflection in the mirror is what counts.
A trickier situation arises when there are fundamental differences on what type of care an ill loved one should have.
You may think that continuing with chemotherapy is cruel and unusual and hospice services should be delivered. Your sibling might think that mom is not ready for hospice and will err in favor of preserving life at all costs.
No siblings should be fighting about this. This is easy. Everyone needs to be very clear about what they want. Say it. Commit it to writing and say it again.
If you never want to go to a nursing facility, say it, commit it to writing and say it again. If you have older parents, ask them to say it, commit it to writing and say it again so everyone know what they truly want or don't want.
My wish is that each o f you have a safe and healthy holiday. Be easy on yourself and those who you love who simply cannot live up to your expectations.
With Love,
Susan
