If you are one of the lucky human beings, graced with a kind and loving parent, I can tell you that time heals the wounds that no one can see. There are so many things that bring us down when we lose someone that we love that it would behoove us to de-construct and conquer those feelings, right here, right now.
We cannot stop ruminating on memories. When we lie down to sleep, we weep. When a song on the radio moves us, we weep. Looking at pictures pains us. When you have a problem and want to reach for the telephone to speak to your parent, you are reminded of their absence.
My advice is to keep ridiculously busy and carve out specific times to grieve. Use this time well, to cry into a pillow. If you are at work, take a break and go into your car and cry or call a friend to talk about your feelings. I find that allowing specific times for myself to grieve gives me the strength to move forward when I feel that I am immobilized and ultimately moves the healing process forward.
If you have children of your own, use your grief about your parent to guide you towards being a great parent yourself who is loved and revered by your children. Putting your energy into achieving this laudable goal is (1) worthwhile (2) a great use of energy and (3) an honor to your deceased loved one's memory.
We are faced with our own mortality. We used to be the little ones. Now, our little ones are the little ones. We are next. The circle of life seems like a conveyor belt. Yet, we still feel like children. We like to play with our friends and we too need to be comforted in a way that only a parent can provide. We need to call that number and hear our mother or father's voice.
My 82 year old father always knows from a subtle tone when I am on the precipice of tears. I count on him to make it all better. Please do not underestimate how this vacuum impacts your emotions. Now, you need to find a friend that can fill that void. I have a friend who is in her 70's and who is like a mother to me. She loves me and is there for me. Find this person. Find a young person who you can comfort. It will make you feel full.
We cannot forgive ourselves for unfinished business. I know from grief. I lost my mother three years ago to cancer and although I did not go to her funeral because she was horribly mean to me, I still suffered at her loss. She was my mother, the force of my life. We were connected on a deep cellular level that defies science and religion; how we come to be is still universally a mystery.
It was very difficult for me to grieve. I was conflicted about my feelings. This was compounded by my mother's family and my brother and sister turning their back on me because I did not attend her funeral. For those of you who are grieving and conflicted, I can tell you that it is o.k.
This world is not perfect and neither are we. I could only do my best under the circumstances and that is exactly what I did. I drove her 60 miles round trip four times a week to radiation and chemotherapy and to her wound management doctor. It was never enough for her or my sister. Unless I abandoned my husband and toddlers, and martyred myself to her, it would not have been enough.
I am sure that you, like me, are a kind person and adding a layer of guilt to your grief is an unproductive endeavor. I tried my best and I can and do take comfort in that. Anyone who really knows me understands that my heart is warm and pure.
We feel like we could have done more.... If you truly could have done more than you would have. We cannot save people. Doctors try and fail all of the time. I am sure that if you are feeling his way, you scoured the internet for hours upon end trying to find a solution to your parent's health issue and accompanied them to doctor's visits. You may have even stayed with them in the hospital to make sure that no one skipped a beat. You have to believe that you did your best and that you are human.
To any of you who have lost a loved one recently, I offer my condolences and as always an open ear.
Take care and lots of love to you all.
Susan
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