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Holiday
Tips From the Gerontologist and Hostess With the Mostest
Holiday Blues
December 2009
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In
my E Book, The Seven Triggers of Mental
Health Decline in Seniors and How to Combat Them Forever, I discuss
triggers that are especially prevalent in the lives of older adults. I do not
speak to the Holidays as a trigger, but many of the suggestions that I pose for
warding off the blues in my book are applicable to fighting the holiday
blues.
Hopefully
understanding the triggers associated with the Holidays will enable you to enjoy
the festivities more than you thought you would.
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You don't have to be
super woman
I
have cooked Thanksgiving dinner for 24 people or more for the last eight years,
I can personally attest to fact that exhaustion is not fun. Having a beautiful
party for those you love can warm a heart, but can also cause you to crash and
burn. Being exhausted increases your stress, creating a vicious cycle. Exercise
and sleep - good antidotes for stress and fatigue took a back seat to chores
and errands. To top it off, after burning the candle at both ends, I often became
sick with a cold or the flu. Honestly speaking, my Thanksgivings were often packed with stress, and provoked a bit of anxiety and caused
the same in my husband and children.
This
year I accomplished being the hostess with the mostest and still maintained my mental
and physically well being. Because
I am a glutton for punishment, there is no way that I would have relinquished
having my 24 person Thanksgiving party. However, this year I proved that I can
learn from my mistakes. I will now pass on this advice for those of you panning
a holiday gathering:
I put rest periods into my schedule and
built in an extra half hour of sleep night. I also set aside a half-hour for
rest during the day. I
hired two women to do the dishes and clean my kitchen so that I could eat and
enjoy my guests. If you do not think that you can afford this, you can save
$4.00 a week during the year in anticipation of this gathering. Or, you can
save by following my next tip which also proved to be an energy saver. I
allowed my family and friends to bring the side dishes. I made the turkey and
stuffing, potatoes and that was it!
In
the past, I spent too much time and money on appetizers, desert, and other fun
sides and in the process deprived others of their joy of cooking and kitchen
dabbling. By refraining from being a holiday hog, I actually allowed others to feel
joy. We all felt more connected to the holiday and therefore to each other. When asked "Can I bring something?" my
response was a resounding yes. Next year I will ask that they bring the turkey!
You don't have to
spend a lot of money on gifts
Here's
a no brainer. Over eating and overspending. DON'T DO IT.
O.k.,
here's some more advice:
Has
anyone heard of the Salvation Army or a consignment shop? It goes without
saying that we live in an "I need to have new stuff" culture. But think about
it. How many times have you given away items that your children wore once or
something that still has a price tag on it? You can wash the hebigeebies away
with laundry detergent but how will you cast off the shame and guilt that you
will feel if you buy things that you cannot afford?
I
will now repeat an oft uttered cliché you can't buy love. Look at teaching this
lesson to your children as a gift. Have you ever given them the choice of a new
toy or an opportunity to spend the afternoon baking cookies with you? I have,
and my kids choose to be with me. Period. Take a picture of that and buy a
frame as a gift. If you can't bake up a storm like your grandmother did
you're not a bad person. Buy pre-made dough and wing it.
Because
my children are still young, they find wondrous joy in balls of all sizes. In
fact, they just love opening something up. There are a lot of stores that sell
things for under $10.00. I won't give them a plug but one starts with a B and
ends with Lots. Go There!
If
your kids are older, explain to them that you could put a bunch of stuff on
your credit card, but when the bill comes in you will feel sick because you
cannot pay it back. Give them an
opportunity to show that they have a brain and compassion. Teach them that a
credit card is not money. In the alternative, buy something on your credit card
with the understanding that when the bill comes in they will have to tap into
their piggy bank or do chores to pay you back. Teaching this lesson to your
college kids who are getting inundated with credit cards is also a gift.
Expect the holidays
to be like any other day and be pleasantly surprised if they exceed that
expectation
I think the bigger cause of holiday
depression is unmet expectations. Decide for yourself what the holiday means
for you and how you're going to make it a good holiday. The first part of that
means adjusting your expectations to match your current reality. Snow falling
from the sky is not magic dust that will transform caustic relationships into
peace love and understanding. There is nothing magical about the holidays. That
is not hum bugish of me, it is the truth.
If you don't get along with a family
member during the year, you're not going to get along with that person during
the holidays. Trying to change another human being's perspective of you takes a
lot of energy and the disappointment associated with failing could be
crippling. Surely, there are people who think that you are the cat's meow. Here's
a simple concept...hang out with them. Understanding that before you arrive at
the big family gathering can make a big difference in how you feel when you're
putting your coat on to go home.
Be honest with yourself. If you moved
away from your family for whatever reason, you have to ask if you really want
to surround yourself with them or whether you are experiencing a fleeting
feeling driven by nostalgia of a fantasized childhood memory. Being in the
business of helping families I have seen a lot of dysfunction-if you need it, I
give you permission to be ambivalent.
Adult children of divorced parents and parents who share custody should plan up
front how they're going to divide their time this season. I invite my husband's
ex-wife to Thanksgiving and that way my step-sons don't feel torn and I get to
have them with me every year. This
goes into the category of get over yourself for the sake of your children.
Am I starting to sound like Dr. Phil?
Loneliness
For those of you who are alone there is no doubt
that this time of the year is hard. There is no way to sugar coat that. I can
only tell you how handled that for years when I was single. I volunteered. There are so many
charities that are in need of assistance because of budget cuts, this would be
a gift to humanity and who knows you might just meet your next BFF there.
I learned to be proactive by understanding in
advance that the holidays are just days with the letters Hol in front of them. I
used it as a time to put pen to paper and write goals that would realistically
move me towards not being alone next year.
If the
holidays truly have deep spiritual meaning for you than honor that spirituality
and take a spiritual approach to them. That means transcending the over
commercialism of Christmas.
If you always
thought you might like getting a pet, get a pet. My sheepdog was my best friend
for many years and he and I had many nights on the couch with a box of popcorn
and a movie. If a big furry creature is a little much, get a cat or bird, or
anything that you can nurture.
Nutrition
Some experts blame holiday depression on nutrition and believe that
depression is caused by the excessive sugar and fatty foods coursing through
our bodies. How about the depression associated with the weight gain. Overeating
and overdrinking serve no purpose except to temporarily numb you to the pain
that will rear its ugly head when you regain your wits.
So, when you are about to stuff another piece of pie into your mouth seriously think about whether that is
going to make you feel good. Before you take another sip, seriously think about whether that will truly fix what ails you or
whether it just will postpone the inevitable feeling of emptiness or even
exacerbate it. In this regard, good mental health is a choice.
Seniors are more susceptible to
holiday depression
Seniors can have an especially hard
time with the holidays. There are many things that contribute to this such as the
loss of an important person in the last year, or the anniversary of a loss or
traumatic event can make memories come back that can dampen spirits. For you seniors who are reading this I suggest that you acknowledge your
feelings.
If
someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize
that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or
express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's
the holiday season. If you are in the generation of individuals who are not
accustomed to sharing your feelings so openly, please try it. Reach out because
there are people who love you and will listen.
Not being able to do what you used to
do in years past can be difficult to handle as you may be "stuck" on
looking you used to do during the holiday season. It can be hard to cope with
the reality that having 24 people over for Thanksgiving isn't feasible anymore.
Traditional reunions
and rituals that were observed in the past may not be possible and in their
absence, the holidays may seem devoid of meaning.
Because many seniors are on fixed incomes, they must set a budget for gift
giving and stick to it. Don't feel guilty if you can't afford to by those
grandchildren an expensive gift, it's you they will remember not the gifts. I
do not remember anything that any relative gave me. Overspending will cause
worry over bills after the holidays are over.
If
you know a senior who has failing eyesight and lessening of the ability to
write or read holiday correspondence, help them. If you know a senior who has
lost their license and is unable to get to religious services, offer them a
ride.
Arranging
and engaging in regular phone contact when family members are distant is
important to make the elderly individual feel cared for, thought about and
loved.
Seek professional help if you need it
Although
I have tried to take a light hearted approach to this topic, if you are
depressed, and despite your best efforts, find yourself feeling persistently
sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and
hopeless, and unable to face routine chores by all means speak to your doctor
or a mental health professional. There are anti-depressants that can help.
Best wishes for a mentally
balanced holiday season. I look forward to seeing you all again next year at my
presentations.
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