Be careful not to say or do things that are likely to make matters worse.
Tip: Keep your anger in check.
Understandably, Kathy's initial reaction to learning about Jim's affair was anger. A part of her wanted to scream insults at him to make him hurt as much as she did.
I encouraged Kathy to talk with Jim about her anger in a controlled way. I also encouraged her to talk with Jim even more about her pain. Kathy noticed that when she disclosed her deep hurt to Jim, he responded with support.
3. Insight: Following the discovery of an affair, one should be careful about making major decisions.
If you make major decisions impulsively while in a state of heightened emotionality, you might later regret them.
Tip: Avoid making major decisions hastily.
Despite Kathy's desire to save her marriage, during the first several weeks there also were times when she felt like giving up and filing for divorce.
I urged her to rule out that option for at least three months and in the meantime to pour all her energies into trying to save her marriage.
4. Insight: A person whose spouse is having an affair needs support.
No doubt, your spouse's infidelity has traumatized you. To regain your equilibrium, you'll need the support of another person. This could be a therapist or a close friend.
Tip: Choose your support person carefully.
Kathy wanted to enlist a friend, so I recommended that she choose one who was outside their social circle, who she could trust to maintain confidentiality, and who would support her in trying to save her marriage.
Kathy contacted her best girlfriend from college who lived in a different state. In the days and weeks to come, this friend provided invaluable support over the phone.
5. Insight: When an affair has occurred, a couple should seek professional help immediately.
If you and your spouse are to get past the affair, then the two of you must move through three stages of recovery: healing from the trauma, making sense of the affair, and restoring your marital bond. Getting through the entire process can take months.
The chances of successfully working your way through all three stages are much greater with professional help than without it. A good way to jump-start the recovery process is to begin by doing intensive marital therapy over several days.
Tip: Ask your spouse to join you on a private marital therapy weekend intensive.
Kathy felt strongly that it was in their best interest to make a strong start in the recovery process. She invited Jim to fly with her to Colorado to do a weekend intensive with me. Jim accepted her invitation and they arrived at their hotel on Friday evening.
On Saturday I did five hours of intensive marital therapy with Jim and Kathy and on Sunday I did five more.
By Sunday evening, Jim and Kathy had made good initial progress. I was willing to also work with them on Monday, but it was clear that they had gone as far as they could go in one weekend.
Before flying back to Atlanta, they spent several days vacationing together in our magnificent Colorado Rockies.
After returning home, Jim and Kathy did a few more sessions with me over the phone. They continued to move forward in the recovery process.
At one-year follow-up, they were doing well. Jim and Kathy both said that their weekend intensive with me probably saved their marriage.
So what should you do if an extramarital affair has rocked your marriage? Keep hope alive, keep your anger in check, choose a support person wisely, and consider asking your spouse to join you on a private marital therapy weekend intensive.
