Tip: When you and your partner become ensnared in repetitive fights, take a break from expressing your anger about the issue and instead express your feelings about your loss of closeness.
I helped Bill and Barb do this.
Bill told Barb how lonely he had been feeling in their marriage. It seemed to him that she was not fully there for him to support him. Barb told Bill that she too had been feeling alone and unsupported.
They also expressed to each other their anxiety that they might not be emotionally available to each other in times of critical need.
Expressing their feelings about their loss of closeness helped Bill and Barb get past their anger and begin to soften toward each other.
Tip: Then give strong reassurances that you can count on each other.
I helped Bill and Barb state emphatically that they really were there for each other, that each would always be accessible and responsive to the other.
Now, feeling sure that they could count on each other, Bill and Barb were able to return to the issue they thought they were fighting about. This time they had a calm and productive conversation about the unfinished home improvement projects.
Barb backed off on her demands and Bill found time to work on the projects. They started to get their closeness back and their repetitive fighting stopped.
In conclusion, when frequent marital fights occur, the issue is rarely the issue. Most fights, especially repetitive ones, are really about emotional disconnection. What partners really want to know is: can I count on you to be there for me when I really need you?
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Note: In my next article, I'll discuss something additional that I do to help couples stop frequent fighting. I identify for them the behavioral cycle that is maintaining their repetitive fights and show them how to exit it.