Last evening while speaking with a group of friends, a woman in the group became visibly upset when the discussion turned to relationships.  One of the women in the party was talking how her partner had done something foolish in public, and she chose to ignore it and go on, without owning the behavior of her partner.  The women who got upset, began telling the group she felt it was her responsibility to correct the behavior of someone she was with, if they did something she did not agree with.  She then went on to say when she saw someone do something she did not agree with, it was her responsibility to help change them.  This started quite a spirited discussion which they worked through, producing three valuable insights I'd like to share with you.

First, they recognized this was a volatile subject for some in the group.   Out of mutual respect and a desire to understand, they talked about and agreed on guidelines so they could all agree on how they were going to talk about this sensitive topic. They also determined that they were more interested in sharing ideas than in being right.  This eased tension immensely.  They began practice "dialoguing," which is a communication style requiring personal judgment to be suspended while listening.  They agreed on how long anyone could talk and that they would work to suspend responding until the person was finished speaking.  This took a great deal of courage since listening is often far harder than talking.  Usually when someone is talking we are busy thinking of what we want to say or how we can respond to their ideas.   We often don't really hear what others have to say.  However, by listening fully they were able to model and feel respected.  Being listened to honored the person talking and when they finished, the people listening sat silently for a few seconds before responding.  Several of the participants said they felt  as if they were heard and that the responses felt less like "attacks."  This feeling of being attacked often happens when someone immediately provides feedback.  It feels as if the other person hasn't been really listening.  Do you really listen?

The second insight I observed in the discussion was, if you want to change those around you, you first need to change yourself.  Often those things we see in others are the very things we don't like in ourselves.   It is often why they bother us so much.  I don't want to admit it but I am the toughest person I have ever had to work with.  I can deny, rationalize, and avoid dealing with all types of things.  Yet, let me see it in another person and I can be as critical as they come.   Do you like it when you see others being critical? 

The third observation was,  if you want to give someone advice, first ask their permission to give it.  If they agree then you can provide your advice.  However if they don't want it, that is their right.  We can like or dislike what they do and make decisions based on what we want to do in response.  So I am in total agreement with the group decision,  that as of today I really don't think my higher power put me here to fix those around me.  I may decide to take that back tomorrow, but for today I realize I am not in control.  I do, however, believe we were put here to be the best we can be and to make a significant difference in the world around us.

Be well,

John