NEW TRACK LESS LIKE HELL THAN FIRST THOUGHT
Lack of prospectors' donkeys, vulture-covered cow skulls also deemed encouraging for first-time Palm Springs venue.
Palm Desert CA--Scientists from the hooptie-race series 24 Hours of LeMons, which hits the brand-new Chuckwalla Valley Raceway near Palm Springs this December, have labeled the course "not nearly as much like the Fifth Circle of Hell as we'd thought."
Earlier reports of winged demons and sulphurus odors at the facility have been traced to Alex Vendler's RC camera plane and Jay Lamm's affection for taco trucks, respectively.
According to LeMons spokesperson C. Leadfoot Kiesling, Chuckwalla's "...high daytime temperatures actually keep down the venomous lizards and post-apocalyptic biker gangs common to most desert racecourses," while such "...ubiquitous high-desert scourges as naked hippies on ketamine, car-company commercial shoots, and guys in New Yorker cartoons turn out to be rare here."
Still, the US Bureau of Land Management urges racers to exercise caution. "Forget all that 'teeming with life and rare beauty' crap," says BLM geologist Dr. Andrew P. Tucker. "Take out the PBS camera truck, and a desert's just scorpions, meth labs, and 105-degree Tab." However, Tucker concedes, "...the fact you can take a leak at Chuckwalla without rattlesnakes biting your junk" is a positive.
"Yes, one expects desert tracks to be Hell on Earth," stated LeMons Chief Perp Jay Lamm in an unaired TED lecture last Thursday. (TED notes the lecture remains unaired because Lamm was wearing no pants and addressing a group of four dogs.) "However, the number of guys getting pranged in the ass with a glowing-hot pitchfork shouldn't be higher at this track than anywhere else on our circuit--ie, about five."
To secure your own ass-pranging, apply online here. For more race details, click here.
Contact: John "Jay" Lamm, Chief Perp
5675-C Horton St, Emeryville CA 94608
510.655.5980 x23 (Jay direct)