CHICAGO EMBRACES NEW LeMONS BRIBE TECHNOLOGIES
By adopting advanced LeMons graft systems, Cook County aldermen hope to increase yields and simplify management of venerable Chicago corruption industry.
Chicago--A blue-ribbon committee of local politicos, factotums, and guys who know guys who owe other guys maybe a favor hopes to revamp Chicago's antiquated graft industry with state-of-the-art LeMons bribe technology. The group's next meeting is scheduled for LeMons Chicago, held at Autobahn Country Club on 13-14 October (signups due August 4th).
The region's existing graft infrastructure has become badly outdated since its 1930s heyday. Key components such as ruddy-nosed Irish beat cops who call everyone "boyo" are no longer available, and most citizens are still required to physically deliver payola to City Hall. "Just removing these bribes from the hollowed-out chickens and fruit baskets into which they're traditionally stuffed costs the city some $38 million a year," notes Cook County graft manager Laurence D. Baggemann. More than 45% of his staff is employed in the bribe-and-graft processing division.
"By contrast," Baggemann continues, "the LeMons Supreme Court's laser-like focus on transparency, advanced data management, and the needs of the palm-greasing public have made LeMons BS Judges the leaders in Quid Pro Quo 2.0 technology. By applying these advanced graft modalities to our own systems, we hope to reignite Cook County's passion for world-class larceny excellence." Since 2009, the real cost of a 10% reduction in BMW E24 penalty laps has been reduced tenfold in LeMons, falling from five bottles of Glenfiddich to a six-pack of Natty and half a porn mag. "That's real progress that benefits the corruption consumer," Baggemann asserts.
Apps for LeMons Chicago (13-14 Oct @ Autobahn Country Club) are due Saturday, 4 August--unless maybe you drop a few chickens back there on that desk when nobody's looking. Otherwise, just apply online here or see more details here.
Contact: John "Jay" Lamm, Chief Perp
5675-C Horton St, Emeryville CA 94608
510.655.5980 x23 (Jay direct)