TV STAR FAILS TO STEP ON OWN WIENER Flouting honored tradition of Priestley, Muniz, and Llamas, TV figure Carini ends on podium rather than gurney.
Stafford Springs CT--Horrified onlookers gasped and turned away as TV personality Wayne Carini failed to drive into the wall during last weekend's race in Connecticut. "It really shakes you up when a celebrity gets in a racecar and nothing bad happens," said a visibly trembling Clem Danwigger, a Chasing Classic Cars fan from Brattleboro VT. "One minute the guy's on the track, and the next minute he's still on the track. He ain't no Bruce Jenner, that's sure." According to a joint F.I.A./Kaiser Permanente study, the average celebrity driver completes only 3.2 laps per event before flipping his car, T-boning a rival, or setting his hair plugs on fire. Despite these assuring statistics, Carini's team finished the two-day New England race and secured the top Index of Effluency prize. As stunned realization set over the crowd, small children burst into tears and mothers hurriedly turned from the horror. "The entire LeMons organization is shocked and saddened by Mr. Carini's tragic inability to injure himself," said series boss Jay Lamm. "We have inspected the facility and found numerous unsafe conditions, any one of which could have totaled Wayne's car and sent him away in a chopper. Unfortunately, in motorsport, safety and comfort can strike at any moment: Wayne was aware bad things might not happen, and he chose to race anyway." When asked if this terrible lack of incident marked the end of TV stars in LeMons, Lamm said no. "While our thoughts and prayers go out to all uninjured celebrity drivers at this sobering time, we will continue to offer cable hacks, washed-up teen hearthrobs, and out-of-work porn stars a place to embarrass and injure themselves. That's what Wayne would have wanted." Indicted politicians, athletes in rehab, and former reality characters are also expected to crash in the series' upcoming Chicago, San Francisco, and Los Angeles races, respectively. |
