This month I want to focus on the psychology behind asking and how you can increase your odds that someone will respond with something you want.

Most people say either "If you know someone who needs my services, please hand over my card" or "A good referral for me today is..."

Neither of these are particularly effective. (Don't believe me? Try them sometime and see what happens.) The first one does have a call to action (hand over my card), but asking for "someone who needs my services" is vague and not specific.

Remember that our natural inclination is to do nothing. It's not fair, but it's how most people act. Taking risks is...well...risky, and we don't like to fail. As children, we're taught to do the safe things, and the safest thing is often to do nothing. So if you are vague in what you ask for, we'll default to doing nothing. Oh, we might say, "Sure, we'll keep you in mind," but more than likely 5 minutes later, you're forgotten.

So you need to force us to think. Right here. Right now. Which is why "A good referral for me today" has part of it right. The "today" part. That gives a sense of urgency to thinking about it now. But you leave us with the question of "Is is still a good referral tomorrow?" Which gives us permission to ignore the request tomorrow and the day after. Still not what you want, right?

Frustrated yet? Don't be. If you've followed my suggested elevator speech structure, you're half way to getting what you want.

Remember how I talked about the importance of stories? Stories stick with us if they evoke an emotional reaction. You will remember an emotional reaction for a long time. It might be associated with what you were eating, smelling or feeling when the emotion is triggered. Emotions get fixed in us and can be re-triggered easily later. So the story will be valid tomorrow and the next day in the way that "A good referral today" won't be.

Follow the story up with something to make us think, and you've probably got us. It makes the emotional trigger sink in deeper.

You make us think by asking for something specific. Remember the buy cycle? We make a decision with our emotions and then justify it logically. Well, the story helped us make an emotional decision. We either believe the story and want to help or we don't. But we want to help. We really do, deep down. So that specific request, if it also triggers an emotional reaction, might shift our decision.

If our emotional decision was to help, then the specific request hits our logic and seals the deal.

How can you be specific?

You can do this one of two ways.

1. You can ask for an introduction to a specific person

I mean that exactly the way it sounds. Ask for a specific person, by name, company and title. "I'd really like an introduction to John Smith, CEO of Virginia Colony Corp." This will get your everyone's brains in gear while they try to think if they know John.

You'd be surprised how often this works. I've seen people raise their hands in meetings and say "I know him."

And what if they don't know him? That's okay. Our brains will make connections. Maybe I don't know John Smith or anyone else at Virginia Colony Corp. But I might know Cecil Calvert at Maryland Colony Corp. If I do, then I have to ask you if Cecil would be a good referral for you.

Either way, you've been successful at getting me to say "tell me more," which is your ultimate goal in an elevator speech.

What if you don't know of a particular person to ask for? Not a problem. You can...

2. Ask "Who do you know who?"

This method works if you are looking for a class of people. Examples:

*"Who do you know who is paying too much for car insurance?"

*"Who do you know who is unhappy with their web traffic from search engines?"

*"Who do you know needs to network and doesn't know how?"

*"Who do you know who is a Keller Williams real estate agent?"

"Who do you know who" is powerful because it can't be answered with "yes" or "no," so we can't default to no action.

I watched this in action with one of my clients at a networking event. After every conversation, he would ask for a referral. Sometimes he said, "Do you know someone who?" and sometimes he would ask "Who do you know who?" He'd been working the event the right way, so people were motivated to try to help him. Everyone he asked thought about it. But when he asked "who do you know who?" they thought longer. Noticeably longer.

Either method will work. If you've engaged our emotions with a solid story and then follow it up with a good referral request, you are working comfortably in our buy cycle, and with our inclinations and psychology. You won't get a referral every time. But you'll get one often enough to keep you in business. And a lot more often than your competitors, who probably don't use these strategies.