GOD WAS A WIFFLER
by Trevor Collie
Hard to believe, but new discoveries at the Sistine Chapel may change the way we view the origins of that backyard pastime played by almost everybody in their youth. GOD was a wiffler and early studies show he threw only a couple of different pitches.
It had always been rumored deep in the past of human origins that wiffleball may have been as common to humans as birthdays and language. We've heard the rumors in the archeology field more than any other. Now, archeology rumors are being bolstered by art historians. Archeologists have claimed for decades that evidence for wiffleball origins may go back as far as the early Mesopotamian cultures of the middle-east at the beginnings of human culture.
Vague references are abound in the catalogue of human history. Did the Amish of the Americas break from the Mennonite church over a disputed "designated hitter" rule? Did Martin Luther separate his followers from the Catholic church when he posted his petition of wiffle rules changes on the main door of the Catholic church? Do the Freemasons hold the secret of wiffle pitching, past down through the ages? Was the great Mayan ballcourt, flanked by the temple of the sun and the temple of the moon, used for early wiffleball championships? Did the Aztecs build their grand culture on the site where an eagle perched upon a cactus with a round perforated sphere in its mouth?
The past is even murkier when we look at the cultures of the middle-east. The Egyptians seemed to have strange and mysterious temples built not to house wealth, kings or worship, but to store the sacred wiffleball items reportedly handed down through time from antediluvian cultures. There is evidence that the great pyramid at Giza was once topped with a golden wiffleball. Where is it now? Is it lost to time? Is it hidden to man? Is it at the Hall of Fame?
Wiffleball rumors did not end at the start of the industrial age in the Americas. We all remember the race to be the first in space and then the race to the moon, right? Recent documents released from the government, make several cloaked references to the true mission of the race to the moon. The Soviets didn't send any ole' monkey into space. With the fall of the Soviet empire in recent times we have come to find that the soviet monkey, who was first in space, was being trained as a switch hitting chimp! We've all seen the face on Mars, but what we haven't seen are the reported wiffleball fields on Mars. Early photos clearly show wedge shaped designs just below the surface of the planet.
The most recent discoveries come from the art community at the restoration of the Sistine Chapel. While painstakingly restoring the great works of Michelangelo, researchers have uncovered images in the painting that haven't been seen by the human eye in generations. As researchers peeled away the layers of dirt and soot compiled over the generations an interesting detail began to take shape. Little did they know what they found or the impact of the their recent find. In the image of creation, where God touches the hand of Adam, we clearly see what can only be described as a WIFFLEBALL!
Not only is the wiffleball there but it appears that GOD was a southpaw. What does this new image mean to the history of man? Well... maybe the ancient apple tree was a wiffleball tree?! Maybe the staff of Moses was a wifflebat?! Maybe the "wedding feast" at Cana wasn't a wedding at all, but the 1st annual Cana Wiffleball Invitational?! Maybe the four horseman of the apocalypse are coming to play the final wiffleball game to determine the fate of all Mankind?!
Whatever the new discoveries unfold, I will be there to update the wiffleworld. From the new underwater discoveries off the coast of India, to the ancient burial sites of the Jade kings of Central America. From the pyramids of the middle-east to the pyramids of the Americas. From the hunt for the elusive Yeti (rumored to be able to hit a wiffleball farther than any man, even farther then Alan Garcia) to the fire breathing dragons of the middle ages (rumored not to be dragons at all but a traveling band of flame throwers descended from the ancient and mysterious cult of the Magi Kings).
Where the story leads, I will follow. If I do discover the ancient mysteries of WIFFLEBALL, I will show up in your backyard and blow the gas right by ya'! The stories are the worlds, the secrete are mine.
