No way around it, we all have people who make our lives difficult. It can be a co-worker, boss, parent, sibling, friend, spouse or even our kids. Oops, I forgot the neighbors.  The question is what can we do about them?  Recently, I read an article by Brett Blumenthal, on 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid.  She give us clues as to what theses toxic people look like, but she ends her article with, "Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity, If you can, avoid spending much time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier." 
 
Really - will I be happier playing the "Artful Dodger?" 
 
I don't know how she lives her life, but I can't spend my days "avoiding" people I don't like.  What if these un-likables are my family members - husband, siblings, or my kids?  Let's be honest, we are not "stary-eyed" in love with them all the time.  Fact is it's the people closest to us who can get under our skin the easiest.  Other than quitting our jobs, getting a divorce - vowing never to marry again, and putting our children up for adoption, what can we do?  What if we love these toxic people and don't want to get rid of them, what then? 
 
People don't usually wear hazard stickers warning us of their toxicity, but they do give off visible clues, if we know what to look for.  Let's meet a few of the more "common" toxic personalities.  (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)
 
Lucy Love-me - Love them we do! We almost can't help but love them.  They can pour on the charm, make us laugh and suck every drop of grace out of us until we are bone dry.  The amount of drama that revolves around these people is a sight to behold, like a tornado creating enough power to pull you in, getting you to stop focusing on your life and start rescuing them from theirs.  At some point in the relationship, you realize the love they radiate is all for them and none for you.  The moment you require love in return - they fly away, like a butterfly off to a new flower filled with a fresh source of sweet nectar love.  You on the other hand are left with a bundle of mixed feelings; exhaustion, lose of personal goals, feeling used and lonely.
 
Suzy Sweet-talker - They know just the right words to say and what buttons to push in order to get you doing whatever it is they want you to do. They are almost as narcissistic as Lucy Love-me, only with a bit less drama. They are the stuff the proverbial "Used Car Salesman" is made of.  If you are not careful, you could find yourself holding the bag for another one of their schemes.  Every cloud has a silver lining, every rainbow its pot of gold and every fool has money just waiting to be parted, and if you happen to be that fool, don't be surprised by their lack of remorse or fair play, because in the end it will be your fault their scheme didn't work out.  They have a knack for walking away clean and leaving you to mop up the mess.
 
Tony Tactless - Here we have an opinionated, bony-finger in your face kind of person!  Rules and boundaries are but mere suggestions to them. In fact they feel rules are for stupid people - not them!  No matter what you do or plan to do, they will find a better way to do it, and strong arm you into doing their way, even if they don't plan to help in the venture.  As young children they are the bullies on the block and as they grow older they apply these same tactics to almost all of their relationships. After a while you realize you are exhausted from defending yourself every moment you are with them. If you work for this type of person, life can be miserable. Sue Thompson's new book, Sheer Living Hell: Surviving a Tormenting Work Environment, will be a helpful handbook for those who work with these toxic people.  
 
Carla Critic - Nothing is ever good enough.  Try as you may, you will never win their approval.  Their unrealistic expectations keep growing with each and every success you achieve, and with each success comes the "tear down," verbal or subliminal.  It's a scene straight out of Cinderella, "Who you - go to the ball?  Don't be absurd." Then comes the look, "I think I smell dog pooh.  Would you please check YOUR shoes?"  The energy and focus it takes to stay above the waterline becomes so consuming that whatever self worth we've salvaged after our Junior High School days, is now washed away.  Happiness - yours or theirs is not going to happen no matter how hard we try.
 
Dorthea Dismay - They can't see the up-side to any situation, even when good things do happen.  They love to dwell on tomorrow's troubles.  If you share an accomplishment with them like passing your drivers test, they are quick to tell you the statistics about highway fatalities.  If you share a joke that cracked you up, they respond with a stoic look and a concerned comment, "How many people have to told that to?" as if there is something wrong with you for thinking it's funny. Soon you find yourself keeping your dreams to yourself, and before you know it, your dreams start to wither for lack of open air.  It is not uncommon for people to become depressed around these people. Oh, what a surprise!
 
Kevin Killjoy - is a first cousin to Dorthea Dismay.  Share an idea with this type of person and watch what happens - FEAR! "Well...are you sure that's what you really want to do?  I'm not sure I would do it that way...but, I'm sure you have done your research, so do what you want."  The initial response to this is either self doubt or rebellion.  The "pleaser" type personalities will default to self doubt, wondering if there really is a huge flaw in the plan, while the "doers" become angry and take personal offense at the idea of their capabilities being questioned.  With time the Pleasers are shamed into doing nothing and the Doers don't give the Killjoys the time of day.
 
Larry Lackluster - Not all toxic personalities are actively causing trouble, some toxic behaviors are passive in nature. Stay neutral about everything and see how people react.  Not having an opinion on anything, and agreeing with everyone means somewhere down the line this person is telling a lie to someone, and most people do NOT like to be lied to.  The insincerity of this behavior doesn't foster solid relationships. At some point in time we all want to hear the truth and feel supported.  Emotion is the power which propels us, so when there's no wind in the sail, we have to use the ores - back breaking work.   Too many times when a relationship becomes "back breaking work," we quit working at it.
 
Wendy Wishy-washy - Being everything to everyone has a similar affect on relationships as Larry Lackluster's passive toxicity of neutrality - it causes a serious level of dishonesty.  If you are for everything, there are no boundaries.  When there are no boundaries, there is a level of recklessness that can cause out of control behaviors - up one day and down the next - I love you -I hate you - I love you - I hate you.  There's no safety net for this type of toxicity.  Eventually we become emotionally motion sick and beg to get off the ride, no matter how fun it was in the beginning.
 
As a Personality Trainer and Relationship Coach, I have chosen these toxic behaviors, because they fall in line with personality types.  Each personality type has strengths, struggles, desires and emotional needs especially tailored for them -- hard wired right into our DNA.  When our personalities have not had their emotional needs meet, you can count on dysfunctional or toxic behaviors taking place.
 
Let me introduce you to the personalities behind these toxic behaviors.  This will only be an introduction.  I will go into more depth about each personality's strengths, struggles, desires and emotional needs in part two.  Obviously, if we are examining toxic behaviors we are looking at the struggles or weakness side of the personalities.
 
Each personality listed below has an Adjective, Greek name, and Color to identify their basic nature.  There are four basic personality types, based on Hippocrates Greek terms and four blended personalities, for a total of eight categories.
 
Lucy Love-me - Playful (Sanguine.) The color Yellow
Struggles:  narcissistic, unfaithful, gossip, self indulgent
Strengths:  Sunny, happy, cheerleader, care-free.
 
Suzy Sweet-talker - Promoter (Sanguine/Choleric) The color Orange
Struggles:  Over sells their ability, crafty, stretches the truth, con-artist
Strengths:  Courageous, creative, optimistic, outgoing
 
Tony Tactless - Powerful (Choleric) The color Red
Struggles:  Overly opinionated, hot head, bully, likes to argue
Strengths:  Powerful, accretive, full of action, in charge.
 
Carla Critic - Producer (Choleric/Melancholic) The color Purple
Struggles:  Critical, perfectionistic, condescending, cruel
Strengths:  Exacting, commanding, detailed, full of purpose
 
Dorthea Dismay - Proper (Melancholic) The color Blue
Struggles:  Judgmental, selfish, moody, cunning
Strengths:  Analytical, proper, sensitive, artistic
 
Kevin Killjoy - Peacekeeper (Melancholic/Phlegmatic) The color Aqua
Struggles:  Negative attitude, fearful, full of self doubt, passive-aggressive
Strengths:  Diplomatic, deep thinker, thoughtful, principled
 
Larry Lackluster - Peaceful (Phlegmatic) The color Green
Struggles:  Unenthusiastic, lazy, tells lies to keep peace, procrastinates
Strengths:  Laid back, kind, friendly, gracious
 
Wendy Wishy-washy - Partner (Phlegmatic/Sanguine) The color Peridot
Struggles:  Undisciplined, easily tempted, emotionally wavering, shallow
Strengths:  Companionable, good sense of humor, easy going, fun loving
 
The good news is this - we can learn to love toxic people, even if it turns out that we are one of them.  I agree with Brett Blumenthal, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity, but that doesn't mean we need to "avoid" the people who drive us crazy, we need to learn strategies to live a healthy life style with them still in it.

 
Blessings,