So many couples experience infidelity - more than half.  So if you are reading this and wondering if you are alone in your pain, and in your anger, you're not.  If you or your spouse has been unfaithful, its not unusual.  That doesnt mean its not a huge shock, and you are probably reevaluating and taking stock of your relationship right about now.

But does it mean you have to end the relationship?

Maybe not.

First, there are many different kinds of infidelity. 

You and your partner probably had two kinds of monogamy agreement when you made a commitment to each other.  The first is the explicit monogamy agreement - the one you made in front of others, maybe a marriage vow.  You promised to love each other and be faithful.  But there is another monogamy agreement that happens in relationships - I call it the implicit monogamy agreement.  This is the unspoken and many times misunderstood agreement that both of you make to each other, but probably understand differently. 

The implicit understanding that you have about monogamy might be much different than your partners.  You might think that sleeping with just your spouse means fidelity. But they might think that sleeping with just you and also looking at pornography still means that they are monogamous.  You might disagree.  But did you ever have this conversation?  Have you ever talked about pornography, internet relationships, prostitutes, or did you just expect that OF COURSE your partner wouldnt do that to you?  And of course they should just KNOW that this meant that they were cheating on you.

But if your monogamy agreements are not discussed and renegotiated on a regular basis, then misunderstandings, hurt feelings and betrayals can happen throughout your relationship.

Can you survive infidelity?  Sure.  Sometimes talking about what happened opens up a new understanding of what the expectations are.  Sometimes talking about what was going on in your relationship before a secret is revealed creates a new level of intimacy.  Sometimes infidelity brings to light new issues that need to be discussed.  Learning new ways to communicate, particularly with the help of a good therapist, can help couples begin a whole new relationship.  This might not happen if it wasnt for the affair blowing up the relationship you have now.

Dont give up right away if you find out your partner has been having an affair.  Sometimes it can and should mean the end, but sometimes you can survive it.  And sometimes it can make you stronger than ever. 

Call me or write me if you or your partner want more information on surviving infidelity.

Dr. Tammy Nelson