"Loving an image" is one of my favorite topics. It amazes me how many older singles get caught up in it.

The definition of "loving an image" is pretty simple: Convincing yourself that you are in love with a person you've never met.  You don't love a real person; you love what you imagine (and hope) that person to be.

Internet dating is the culprit. You meet someone online, but for any number of reasons, you can't or don't get together face-to-face. A relationship by email is started.

Let's take a real "loving an image" scenario. It comes from Bobbie, 73, one of our members, who has willingly shared her story and welcomes your feedback on it.

 

Bobbie says, "I was widowed twice, the first time in 1979, then again in 2002. I was a caregiver for both husbands for many years. I have aged well and continue to work full time--money is not a problem. I know what issues I'm dealing with in the online romance I'm about to describe.

 

"I have been in an online relationship with a super guy I met on SeniorPeopleMeet.com, well over a year ago. We have not met, although we live just a half hour from each other, due to my wanting to wait until his divorce is final, which is being held up because his wife will not accept any settlement he offers."

Red flag 1: Although the man lives only a half hour away, she hasn't met him, and there's still a wife lurking in the weeds.

 

But, to Bobbie's credit, it's her choice they haven't met. "I'd rather wait until my guy is free to meet," she said.  

Bobbie continued, "His daughter told me there is a lot at stake and her step-mother is trying to take everything her dad has. He's willing to give her a nice settlement but she wants it all."

Red flag 2: The guy's wife won't relent until she "has it all." That might take a long, long time--if it ever happens. 

 
Bobbie wrote, "She (the step-mom) raised his children after his first wife died from breast cancer and they have been married over 30 years. He says she is the one responsible for his son's suicide two years ago, thus the divorce."

Red flag 3: Wow, that's a pretty heavy accusation. If I were Bobbie, I'd stay out of that aspect of the divorce. Maybe staying away is the wisest thing? 

Bobbie said, "We have a wonderful relationship so far."

Red flag 4: They have a wonderful online relationship. Of course it seems so, they haven't endured the day-to-day issues couples face. They don't even know if they have chemistry, which can't be determined until people meet face-to-face.

Bobbie continued, "He says she deserves half of their assets since she raised his 9 kids, and he has no problem giving that to her, but he doesn't want to end up with nothing."

Red flag 5: Nine kids? Can you imagine, having to contend with your mate's nine kids? I tried to contend with one kid in the two relationships I was in and it was more than I could handle.

Bobbie said, "We connected early in our emails, I am also a 14-year, breast-cancer survivor. He lived not too far from me when he lived in my state and we went to the same Catholic high school-he to the boys and I to the girls-and we graduated one-year apart.

"We have feelings for each other that will only grow stronger once we meet. They say 'anything worthwhile is worth waiting for.'"

Red flag 6: Feelings will grow stronger once they meet? How can Bobbie be certain? What if when they finally meet she doesn't like what she sees?

 

I know of a similar online romance. A man from Philadelphia was going to marry and merge his two children with a woman from California and her two children. They thought they should meet in person once before tying the knot. He flew out for the weekend.

 

It was pre 9/11, when you could still meet people at the airport gate. He was so disgusting in appearance and hygiene, she ended the relationship before they got to baggage claim.  

I think Bobbie needs to see this guy in person now before investing too much more time. Yikes, he only lives a half hour from her. She needs to find out if her image of him matches the reality of him.

 

Bobbie sees it differently. "I'm very sensibile and I've told my guy that it will take us almost as long to get to know one another in person as it has taken us to meet. We are not going to rush into anything until we both feel the time is right. I have a very good feeling about our situation."

 

Bobbie has proven that she is a patient person, having been a caregiver to two husbands. She's very confident about this man. We'll see if I'm right--about not wasting more time--or if she's right to wait it out. Bobbie added, "I've always gone with my gut feeling--with my marriages that both lasted 19 years."

 

She promises to keep us posted.