This past weekend I lead a courageous group of men and women through my Living Beyond Anger, Living with Love workshop.  For all involved, it was nothing short of life-changing.  I watched one brave woman go deep into the abyss of past experience.   She sat with her uncomfortable memories, dealt with them head-on, and reemerged lighter, more settled, and happier.  The change manifested itself physically across her face and in her body. 

Most of the time our minds resemble a snow globe that has been shaken with flakes of thought moving in every direction.  From time to time we need to sit still, allow the mind to quiet and the flakes to settle, so that we may discover what unaddressed feelings lie beneath.  I've outlined a series of questions that I often pose to clients as we work through the process of unearthing and confronting those deep seeded feelings.

• How do we find stillness?  Practice mindfulness; simply said focus on your breath.  Watch one full breath in and one full breath out. 

• Once you are still, notice what feelings come up.  Instead of pushing them away, invite them in and sit with them for awhile. 

• What thoughts, images, or memories appear when you sit with those feelings?

• Depending on what comes up (ie. Mom or Dad not listening to you, while you want to be heard), dig deeper into that memory.  Explain the memory in detail, including what Mom or Dad's face looked like, what room of the house you were in. 

• How does that make you feel?  Scared, Angry, Sad, Hurt?

• What decisions did you make about yourself according to how your parents treated you?

• What did you want to say to Mom or Dad in that moment that you couldn't say then?  Can you say it now?

• What would you want Mom or Dad to say in return, if things could play out how you would like them to?  What words or responses would heal you?  It's your turn to construct the conversation. 

• How do you feel now, having heard that response?

• Coming back to the present, ask yourself if you need to speak to Mom or Dad or whoever else you were envisioning. 

*It's important to remember when going through these questions on your own or in my office that memories can be vivid and the feelings brought up can be powerful.  Remind yourself that you are here in the present and the memory is in the past.  Nobody can hurt you now.